Hope Network.inHi Prachi. I’m from Vadodara and live in a multistory apartment building. I have a wonderful neighbor on the same floor as me and I like her very much. But she has a painful secret. Her husband beats her up and is very abusive. She has two kids too. I know what her husband does because I have heard them fighting all the time and one day as I was coming home from the market I heard her shrieks because their door wasn’t properly closed. In front of everyone she is always smiling and pretending nothing is happening. I have tried to hint at it but I’m scared that she will think I’m interfering in her personal life. What can I do to help her? Especially when she won’t admit that something is wrong. How can I discuss this with her? I don’t want to lose a good friend by offending her. Please help me, its driving me crazy!
Rachna A., Vadodara
Dear Rachna, it must indeed be very frustrating to witness such an act of domestic violence and not being able to do anything about it. See, any victim of domestic abuse does not speak up for a number of reasons:
- She lacks confidence
- She doesn’t have the support or means necessary to take a step against her abuser
- She believes it is her fault and that its okay to be punished for it
- She is scared for herself and her kids and doesn’t know where she will go if she leaves him
Do you think your friend could have any of these reasons for not admitting to what’s happening in her home? You could try broaching the subject with her indirectly. Make up a story of someone you know who was being abused by her husband and how ‘she’ took steps to get out of it and is free today. Again and again remind her that she has your support. What is her family situation? Do you think her parents would stand by her side? Unfortunately in India, most parents of girls teach their daughters “to live the way your husband will keep you. That’s your home now, now this.” Without familial support abused women are lost. You could get in touch with NGOs that help such women like www.bellbajao.org and get their contact numbers or business cards. You could pass on the card to her saying that lots of them arrived in your mail and you’re handing them out to everyone in the neighborhood. She may tuck it in somewhere for the future.
Do get back to us after you’ve tried a few times and let us know the progress. We hope we could help. Witnessing domestic violence can be very painful and traumatic for the observer but we are glad that you have the courage to speak for your friend.
Dear Rachna,
I am glad you are concerned about your neighbour. Like Prachi mentioned the various reasons why your neighbour may not be standing up against the violence, one of the main reasons in such cases is lack of support and confidence.
May be you could help your friend build up her confidence indirectly. You could also spend a little more time with her than you usually do and make her feel secure in any way possible at your end. We also have to keep in mind the Insecurity she may be having at this point. Take her in to your confidence that she can share anything with you and once that happens, let her know that you are there for her support. All the best.
Dear Rachna,
I believe the best way to help your friend would be to narrate a story to her about how one of your known was subjected to domestic violence and how she responded bravely after sometime by standing up for herself and defending herself from all the torture that was bestowed upon her.
In no way is it easy for a woman to stand-up suddenly against domestic violence if she has been taking it silently.. what works the best with such women is the awareness that many more women in the past have gone through this and quite a lot of them have been survivors and winners in the end…this gives them that inner strength and courage to recognize that they are being the victims of one of the worst sins of the society and that they have full right to a better life….lets also at this point understand that women who are victims of domestic violence take up the abuse with a single vision that now suffering through all this is their destiny and that any voice raised to stop it or any action taken to defend thy-self is not required or is wrong or won’t help….when you narrate such a story to your friend please do emphasize a lot on the ‘life after the woman sought help’ that it was full of peace, new hopes and no pain…
Further, I would now want to inform you about the ways your friend can be helped once she is willing to seek help-
1. She should discuss the matter with her in-laws first and see if they are of any help. If they are helpful, then they may intervene and may rescue her.
2. She should also let her parents know that she is undergoing all this and that she may now take the next step of seeking help to better her condition. Her parents may intervene with her consent and ensure that her husband changes his ways.
3. If the above two steps do not help, then I seriously recommend that she takes the next step which is bound to help her in one way or the other-
Visit a local police station and seek counsellig and help from ‘The Women Cell’- I don’t want you you to get startled to read the word ‘police’ here as, I am talking about their specialized women cell wherein women are counselled by police officials (who are also women), counsellors, social workers and lawyers about how they can defend themselves from such a painful experience. They inform the woman about the fact that she is being subjected to a crime which has legal complications for her husband and that she has full right to take the legal course if she wants to. However, the primary objective of woman cell is not to break a marriage but to save it by removing the problem in the marital relationship. Under no circumstance would the police take an action against your friend’s husband unless and until she lodges a complaint against him saying that she wants to take him to task for inflicting injury and pain by subjecting her to domestic violence. Thus, there is no reason to fear if she visits the women cell. Women in India need this awareness that Women cell is the most sensitive of all wings which has genuine experts who can help in the best possible way in tackling such issues. There is no harassment of a woman if she visits the woman cell. Her visits are kept confidential. In such a process, the woman in question would be taught as to how to defend herself from being physically hurt, how to communicate with her husband that she is in pain and that he needs to change his ways etc…if required and if the woman permits, then they would ask her husband to visit the police station and meet the police counsellor so that she can explain to him what is he doing, how wrong is it and that what could be the eventual outcomes of such an unruly behaviour. Lets understand here that a smart man gets the point here and recedes from such abusive behaviour. The fear of law makes him ‘lesser an animal and more a human’.
In case she decides to bring him to the police station, then she may feel insecure about living with him for sometime thus, she may need help and support of her parents and/or siblings. They may have to extend their shelter to her to make her feel safe and secure in her mind.
The eventual outcome of such a case is normally ‘Divorce’ if the man does not change his ways and the life and mental health of a woman is considered to be ‘at-risk’ if she co-inhabits with him.
But throughout the process of counselling at the women cell, the man is strictly directed against
violent acts committed against his wife if she chooses to live with him during the course of counselling. At times, a woman police officer is asked to keep a check on him by constantly being in touch with the woman and taking updates on his behaviour from the wife. If the woman would report even a single act of abuse, the man is then liable for legal action.
I see it as the ultimate solution to the problem because, here the man is made aware of; first, the emotional and physical harm that he is causing to his wife, second, he is informed about the legal complications he may enter into if he does not change (this initially works as a threat to him and finally helps the man realize that off-loading his anger and frustration onto the wife is of no help. Rather, he should find constructive ways to release his pent-up feelings and eventually adopt a style of life which gives him rare occasions to get angry and frustrated)and finally, it takes a commitment from the couple that they would lead a happy, healthy and non-abusive married life which would not be based on fear but on love and compassion. Such services from the Women Cell are cost free…so there are no financials involved which is a motivation for many women to go and seek help.
2. Visit an NGO- This works well if the lady is ruminating over the idea of understanding what’s happening with her and how unethical it is. The final help is still best delivered by the woman cell. NGOs may extend counselling services to the woman and her husband and finally may intimate them about the legal consequences. Eventually, the things may fall into the hands of the women cell only.
3. Visit a family counsellor/relationship psychologist- this works wonders if both, the man and the wife are willing to seek help and change the status of their relationship. This would mostly require understanding from the husband’s side that he is in the wrong (which is why such efforts fail in most of the cases as the man does not find any fault in his behaviour). The man has to be an equal partner and, at many times the only one who undergoes counselling. My practice in this domain for so many years now suggests that men who are the perpetrators of domestic violence mostly never take the ‘pains’ of even thinking about the fact that they are causing hurt and that they are the ones who need to change. Thus, sooner or later they drop out from the counselling process. The counsellor can only intimate about the legal consequences but cannot go beyond that. Thus, men don’t feel threatened or pressurized to undergo change.
It is also important for us to know if she has kids. Kindly let us know about that angel as well so that we can integrate that in our advice.
Dear Rachna, it is very important now that your friend stands up for herself and saves herself from this crime. Its heart-warming to know that you are so willing to help her. Try coaxing her into a conversation to open up with you and then inform her about all this.
Best Wishes
Shivani
Dear Amreen, thank you for the input. I’m sure it’ll help Rachna. And Shivani, WOW!!! what a truckload of information!We are sure Rachna will garner heaps of useful tips from this and be able to help her friend. Thank you both for taking the time to respond here. Let’s wait for more suggestions!
No man has the right to hit his wife. No wife deserves to receive this kind of treatment at the hands of a man who has promised to love and cherish her “till death do us part”.I urge you to speak up on behalf of women when you believe they’re at risk of serious harm
Silence is not an option anymore – psychological abuse, power and control, family violence are no longer private matters. Keeping abuse private is actually yet another tactic of control and isolation. If you know any woman experiencing anything discussed in this blog, I urge you to support her. She may be isolated and unsure and not be able to help herself in some circumstances. She might not realise the gravity of what a threat of suicide can lead to, and she may not be reading this website or able to find other resources to help herself. The very nature of power and control isolates many women, creates confusion, is crazymaking and can be debilitating financially and psychologically.
suggest that you could assess the woman’s immediate safety by asking:
Do you feel safe to go home today?
Are you afraid that your partner may seriously harm you?
Are there weapons in your home? What type?
Has your partner ever threatened you with homicide or suicide?
Is confidential shelter an option you are interested in seeking?
What is your plan if future violence occurs?
What is one thing, in your opinion, that could be done to support you?
You never want to hear yourself saying “If only . . . .”
So please . . . . speak up, speak out loud on behalf of women. Keep the family safe.
Let her know that she can call you anytime day or night.
This will be especially important to her. She needs to know that you will be there for her no matter what time it is. Tell her that it is okay to call for any reason whatsoever. Perhaps she will want to call you to talk if she becomes lonely
Don’t give up on her. She needs you during a difficult situation. Make sure that she knows that you are a true friend. She needs to know that you love her and care about her. She needs to know she has you as her friend.
Hi – One of my friends, with two kids, also going through exactly the same problems in Noida – Her husband very rude and abusive, does not care about her at all (for eg. she had to go all alone for checkups, even she admitted herself to hospital alone taking public transport during her pregnancy 3 years back) – He physically abuses her regularly and her mother (she is widowed) is not ready to support her and her in laws seems not to care about it at all. She is very confused what to do next and how to get out of this relationship because she has tried to talked to her husband, in laws and mother but nothing has changed.
She just want to get away from all this with her kids but don’t know how, any suggestions?
Dear Monica,thank you for writing to us.It’s great that you found something helpful here.From what you’ve mentioned, I assume that your friend has approached you with her problems and has asked you to help. Am I right? If yes, them half our battle is won because she is admitting that she is being abused and wants to get away. There is an organization called Bell Bajao that helps domestic violence victims and helps them to get out of their abusive environment. Can you tell your friend to email me at [email protected] because there are some details I would need and then I can direct her to someone who will help her. If she can’t do it, can you email me so that I can tell you the options in private?For more helpful tips you read Shivani’s response above. She has given some very useful tips regarding the women’s crime cell too. Please contact us in private and we’ll help you for sure. We look forward to hearing from you or your friend. All the best!