I always compare myself to every other women

All my negativity revolves around my appearance. I always compare myself to every other women, even though everyone else like family and my fiance tells me that I'm beautiful, something in my head just puts it through on ear and out the other. 

I think they're being nice. It is ruining my life, I am 24 year old mother. I can't even be a mom at times. I don't like going outside because I don't want people to judge my appearance. Everything in my life right now revolves around my appearance, I don't feel good enough. 

I try to let it go, but it's been this way my whole life to the point of major depression these days. I have an autistic son who is 5 and I get really high anxiety when I'm near other people. It's to the point where I just want to hide in my room and not come out. 3 years ago I tried to numb everything by taking my dad's pill, I just passed out for a really long time, I don't think I was trying to commit suicide, I just wanted a break from it. 

I don't like talking to people face to face or in a crowd because I don't want them to look at my face, or the side of my face. I can't even explain how messed up my thoughts are about this. In the now, I'm just really depressed, I say horrible things about myself in front of my fiance. I feel like I can't avoid the negative thoughts, I'm on sertraline for an antidepressant, but who knows if it really works. I feel like!E if I was dead that I wouldn't have to worry about the way I look all the time...Until my fiancee told me that it would just make it worse. 

I would stick on the other side feeling the same way. I just feel like it's stopping me from everything being happy, and being a mother. I have absolutely no confidence. I feel like my appearance is getting bad because I am always worrying about it. I can never live a day without a little bit of makeup, I don't want people to see how low on energy I am. My hair is what I would define as being cried because because I always need to straighten in so it's not out of place. I feel like I'm getting older in my face, but I'm only 24. 

I am dreading the summer because that means we're around family and friends more and I think I don't look as good as them. I don't know how to stop it, I cry every day because I'm stuck with a mental illness that won't leave me alone, and I'm torn away from my fiance and my son because I want to hide. I can't live life because I feel shy and scared and I don't want to be around anyone. I need help. 


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