Reply To: Split: I dont know whats wrong!!!but something is amiss in our marriage…



Hi Deepa,
For some reason i could relate to your post.
My wife complains of same thing and it’s getting worse with every day. So much so that I do not like talking to her, and we strongly feel that our kid is getting very bad exposure due to our regular verbal fights and shouts!

My profile: Married for last 3 years, having a year old son. In IT job for last 11 years. Believes in God.
My Wife’s Profile: Working before marriage, left job due to change of city, could not clear competitive exam in last 2-3 attempts (our relationship definitely was not giving her positive environment, though I personally never wanted to be a hindrance to her study OR her career). Carriers regular 2 times Pooja.

My Past: Lived in different towns, finally parents settled in Delhi when I reached highschool. Before marriage, worked in different cities across India, covered full length and breadth of India, and also stayed overseas for few years. Hard working and in IT.

My wife’s past: She was lecturer in a good college, born and brought-up in small city (near a metropolis), with all her relatives nearby. So full 28 years spent in same town. On marriage, she left her job (not that we asked, it was her decision to take care of our new family), left her city, moved to this new city. Hard working and in ARTS.

We married late in our age groups ( she was 28 and i was 32),it was arranged marriage.
We live in different city then our parents OR inlaws.

Anyways coming to the point:
I feel I am reacting to my wife, similar to, how your husband is reacting to you. Now you both are anyways senior to us , may not be much in age but definitely as a family/unit.

(may not be fully applicable because each individual is a different personality, also my responses below are summarily written after reading the details mentioned above)
a. (being very straight) I found my wife attractive however I wanted things to move slow, while she as part of devotion wanted to give her completely to myself, my thoughts were not so pious on those close occasions, so I mostly reciprocated and not initiated.

b. I wanted her to get herself busy in the new city, join some music class etc… , join me in morning walks, join me in evening TV watching , but due to POINT a, her sleeps were going bad, she use to rise late and so could not join me in my morning walks rather I had to wait for my breakfast and lunch preparation before I leave. Not that i wanted her to prepare everything but she wanted to do everything as an important household duty of newly married wife.
Point here is: in professional world i need to reach on time in office, it raises my anxiety level if i reach late and after my subordinates and managers. I can only do so on occasions but not regularly.

c. She wanted to clear some competitive exam, and was not interested in joining a similar job, what she was doing before marriage. Reason was same, better job will have better working hours, more salary , so it will be good for our unit (so her motto was good)
Point is: for how long you will prepare to clear competitive exam! 1 year, 1.5 years?
Point a and Point b, anyways were in action, which was effecting our lives. Also due to lack of social circle for her, point a and point b, were effecting her more.

d. While good point was, we were staying in different city then our parents / or / in laws … we were in rented accommodation.
While I had lived in rented accommodation most of my 10 years life before marriage, she always had full big house at her disposal. So, I was of the belief to have limited things at home, so that when i have to move, it’s easy for me! She wanted to beautify the house… somehow I was always lacking that interest to put in more stuff in the rented accommodation.
We changed 3 rented places in 3 years.

e. Point d , keeping less comforts at home, i wanted to compensate by going out for dinners frequently , OR for long drives frequently! But difference came in … why only walks and drives, what’s wrong with being cosy inside doors … after all we are married
Many times, my wife came close to me, holding my hand she caressed my hairs, made love with me … but then I could not reciprocate in same manner, for me going out for long drive singing soft sings, OR going for a morning walk together was easy.

f. She talks a lot! and wanted to get into details of everything, more so on pyschology part! , this area I do not want to go into much details, but prefers to like the person as he or she is…
I may not be a getting so personal with her, but then I am not demanding… this is what I was after living with roommates before marriage for 14-15 long years. However as she had lived always with family all through-out, there you mix up always, discusses more on your emotional side.

g. She knows I am caring, and concern. But I do not love her the ways she feels love for me.
She is an intense person. I am a regular guy who avoids extremes.
She feels for a husband earning 11 Lac, an iphone of 30 K is ok to buy once, I look more from the point of usage of phone, features of phone, my upper limit is 15K.
She feels a houseworking women ‘should not’ feel alone if she is married. I feel a job ‘will help’ her build a social circle.

There are many other times when we had differences, OR somehow we had not the same frequency, she looked for more personal touch and felt rough when I did not reciprocated in that personal way (like by discussing that stuff before going to sleep, holding her hand, trying to explain her things … or walking hand in hand in a park), when she highlighted those things, I preferred not to get into arguments but I tried to keep it low thinking it should not be blown out of proportion, I was anyways dedicated.
– This happened when we were planning for our first kid
– This happened when she was pregnant and she asked me, how I will be feeling when our son will be in my arms.
She could not find that excitement on my face, rather I was more more thoughtful, thinking how we both will manage things, my work-life balance in last 2 years was anyways not suiting US

She always had some stuff for me , asking my response on some emotional question like how much you love me, how much you will love our son, how did you find me when i wore that red saree.
I was always lacking in that emotional part, because it was tough to measure, tough to reason. I was more of planning things, either buying or not buying things. Checking the usage of things.