I am going through some weird kind of situation. The first thing I would like to tell you is I feel I have lost the “ME” thing in me. I feel that I have lost trust in everybody around me including my parents, my best friends, myself and even God too. I feel terrible about this. I try to just take off every kind of negativity I have in my mind but there is some kind of fear in my mind. I would like to tell you how I was and how I have become now. You will understand it better.
First of all, before, I was a competitive and an ambitious girl. I have completed my graduation. Until graduation, I used to think about myself this way. That I have to be among the toppers anyway. I would work hard to do that and could make a note about everybody around me especially the toppers. I would help people who were below average and would seek help from who were more intelligent than me. I used to pretend that I had not studied enough for my examination(I did not lie! even I felt so). But I would always get outstanding marks and I would then thank everybody around me who helped me. I used to be very proud of myself. I would work more harder. But at that time, I did not have anything called “best friends”. I used to consider everybody as a competitor during my exams be it friends or anybody. Later when the exams were over I used to enjoy with my friends. Out of those, I had one friend who used to taunt me saying that I always scored more than everyone even when I lied that I did not study. I used to consider her as one of my close friends. I did not quite like what she said, but I forgave her.
Later in my last year, I met 2 beautiful people. Beautiful by heart, by mind, by soul. I was so happy that I had got 2 best friends. We did everything together. I really used to speak my dreams out to them. They used to be happy about it. I started revealing my secrets and my emotional side to them(until then I was full tomboy type!). I started revealing the strategy of how I study, how I understand things, how much I enjoy studying. They seemed to like it. Whenever I developed something new, I used to show them, and they used to admire. Little did I know that these people might be feeling slightly jealous. I never thought that way because I had received God on earth. These people were just awesome.
Gradually, my contact increased, I started revealing more and more about myself to them. And one day I was an open book to them. They knew me from head to toe and inside out. They could make out when I would laugh, when I felt sad..everything(They are intelligent – outstanding students!!!) I then started feeling like I was being controlled. I helped one of them out so much that that person managed to top the college and I was left back. Even during the exams I would leave my studies and help that person. We celebrated a lot. Then that person left for higher studies. I started feeling lonely. My other friend too got a job and I was left behind completely alone.
I then started being in contact with them. But both of them seemed to be in mixed emotions and they were pretty busy too. I felt like I was interfering with their business. Still they tried to contact me. I am in touch. But few major setbacks happened.
1) I started feeling guilty that I had revealed everything to them – reason, when I started behaving the same way as before like showing something new I made, they seemed a bit jealous.
2) I had plans for higher studies too. But an year later. I had seen my friend through difficult times. And after all the efforts my friend did, i was readily gifted the whole work to use for myself. Now I feel bad to use it as it was being done after a lot of effort.
3) I have a competitive mind. I don’t care about friends during the exam. But suddenly I have lost that competitive nature and I feel that my friend will feel bad if I put efforts and get more marks than my friend (It reminds me of the incident I’ve presented above.) I feel I might lose my friend because of this.
4) I feel competition is the soul of the exam and I seem to have lost it.
5) I cannot live by myself. I want to be independent and make some distance from these friends atleast emotionally as I am emotionally too weak.
Please help me get back my self esteem, trust and how do I concentrate on my goals.
Thanks a lot!
I very much wish to love myself back again! caring more about me and less about people around me. Because in the end, it is MY LIFE.
I have read regarding your problems. Well lets focus one at a time as your exams are approaching you want regain back your self confidence. With that i would like to ask do u write diary or keep journals..if not then you can start keeping one and start mixing with more people which would help u regain back ur lost confidence. Try on these techiniques then can start working on your other problems.
Hopefully you will work on it and i look forward to hearing from you about your progress.