What pain you’re going through! I could feel it dripping from your words. So much angst. I’m sorry for all tht has happened to you and all the cruelty people have shown towards you. I’m truly sorry. And I really do feel you need to see someone who can help you resolve all this pain and pent up anger. Are you willing to see a counselor or psychologist? Maybe I can help you find someone in your city? Please consider this. I know you might feel that no-one can help you, but believe me, though it will take time, you WILL see the change. If you’re willing to fight, then I’m willing to help you fight. I promise.
Let me know where you live, here or in a private message, and I’ll help you find someone who can really help you.
Take care of yourself.