I am married and have a 2 year old daughter. Beautiful one. I will be celebrating 5th marriage anniversary in couple of days. I love my husband very much and he loves me too.. but i dont know what is going on with me.
I feel so low so low that it is just not possible to put in words. Irritated, short tempered, dont want to interact with people, dont want any guests at my home, dont want to go out much.
Cant crib about what is in my mind to my husband cz he also has his tensions and worries. His job is great but like every individual, he also has his office tensions sometimes. Which i have started to think that he avoids sharing cz one, he doesnt like to bring office at home and two, it worries me also.
I am not working full time but i have a small venture related to academics. I love my small family but somewhere i am clueless as to where things are going.
Why I took this step today? cz today i was supposed to do tatkal ticket for my father in law so that he can come and join our anniversary celebration. subconsciously i was not really happy to book this ticket and my husband knew it (he commented lightly “man se book karogi to hi ticket book hoga’. Due to technical problems ticket did not get book. and i feel that my husband must be thinking that i did not book it purposely. Though i know he will not think in this manner, but my low esteem is making me feel guilty that i must have made mistake somewhere.
Somewhere i am not much excited to go to my husband’s sister place where his mother is also there, visiting for few days. my father in law is a very nice person, but doesnt think much great about me. so going among them is a real downer for me cz in everything i do, in his eyes i am always lacking. and the only reason for his attitude is i left my job to pursue my passion for teaching small kids.
he is a person who carries a very high opinion of those ladies who are working, even if they are not good wives or not good daughter in laws. but if a lady is good wife a good mother and a good daughter in law, but is not working; for him she is not worthy of much respect.
I am so scared of this that i have started avoiding him and subconsciously my mind gets filled with dread when we have to go to my in laws place or they have to come to my place.
and these thoughts make me all the more guilty cz my in laws they love their children very much. They are really great parents who have always done whatever they could for their kids and they still do. But i feel i am not a part of their family. I mean i am cz i am married to their son, but if they are together (father, mother, sister, her husband, and my husband) then i am the only one who stands silently in the corner, away from them. it makes me feel so bad that i havent been able to carve a place in their family for myself. the only place that i have is only cz i am their daughter in law by law.
cant really explain why is it that i am so low inspite of the fact tat my in laws are so much better than others, my husband is so accommodating than usual husbands, and my life is also so much better. I am not a happy person. earlier my husband used to comfort me, but now i have stopped talking these things to him, cz 1. i feel he also has limits to understand. 2. i dont want him to think bad about me, 3. he always says to me to see around me at people who have much more problems than me. 4. my parents also are not without faults so i dont feel i have a right to crib about his parents when mine are also with their set of faults.
And today it seems that my husband’s opinion about me dipped cz he knew i was not too happy about my father in law joining us at his sister’s place.
I dont know, i just am unhappy without any reason, just want to make a place of my own in my husband’s family, need to make them understand that what work i am doing is quite good even if it doesnt give as much money as i used to get in a JOB, need them to understand that i am an introvert and just need their appreciation and acceptance of what i am.
Please stop expecting from people and trying to please others. This behavior often makes us being portrayed as a different person than we actually are. Try to be yourself and make sure you are confident about yourself being “YOU”. You have a kid, an understanding husband. Be glad about it. See the positives things in your life. You are under the “assumption” that you are not a part of their family. And this thought of yours is making you away from them. Accept the situation and people. You cannot change people but you can change your expectations from them.
Hope this helps!