RE: Issues with Partner

aky wrote:
sonali_psychologist wrote:
aky wrote:
aky wrote:
I need urgent help. I am very stressed with the in-ambitious laid back attitude of my partner. Its been 10 yrs of our association and we r married for past 4 yrs. we belong to completely difrnt family background and education. although i never expected him to rise upto the mark to match my parental family but I always wanted my partner to be efficient enough to run my house. I am a working lady and my husband has always been switching jobs and for now he is jobless fr past 3 months. i hav started feeling dat i am a fool to continue wid this relationship as i find myself just going dow and down day by day.

I hav also developed low self esteem, i loose my mental balance several times in a month and shout, throw thngs, hit him, and even think about suicide. he knows everythng. i hv had a miscarriage last year and m not able to conceive as well. I am nt able to go for proper treatments due to lack of finances. i earn so much dat i cn barely run through household expenses and have asked him to arrange fr a share frm his family now. i m tired of getting money frm my parents now.

I do not know wat to do. i am addicted to him, although nowadys i try too hard to stay happy in his comapny. i still love him and wissh he works out smthng to get his career on track but m failing again and again.

He has asked fr time till dis year end and if he fails dis tym thn he says dat he wud let me go out of this relationship considering it to be his failure to sustain marriage.

But this marriage means a lot to me. my life revolves around him only. i do not feel good if i dont see him fr too long. i sometimes even suspect if i am schizophrenic.

I cry at least once in a day and dat falls to be mostly in the night before i go to sleep or else if i am away frm my husband alone at home… i generally dnt hav ne othr reason of tears except a feeling of failure in life.

I dont no wat to do. I do not hav money to attend psychologists. I do not want to get into anti-depressants.

I cannot explain more details here as it wud just go on … I need help. just found this website online.. PLEASE HELP!!

I also want to add to this – I love my husband very much and this relationship means a lot to me… in fact i am scared to see it broken. My husband also loves me and the only big trouble we are currently unable to tackle is – his financial drawback.

Please suggest Prachi. I am waiting for your suggestion and support.


Well i went through your problem… seems you are going through a lrough patch in your life. Would suggest that you should talk to your husband regarding what you are feeling and as well right now he needs your support as he is jobless. The best way to resolve problems between partners is one to one communication and let out all your feelings. Try this out and talk to each other. And most importantly be positive and don’t loose hope as you both need each others supoortbat this time.

Hopefully you would talk your feelings to each other and come to result together. Look forward for your reply.

God bless u
Stay positive


Sonali.. you may not know wat u hv done by just replying to my messages.. m really really thankful to u fr ur time n ur suggestions. I think i cn open up wid u now…
its nt dat d troubles are only thru my husband. its mutual. he has been unexpectedly ignorant while getting into a relationship as crucial as marriage.. as he says so… he nvr thot that a man needs to be efficient enough to take financial responsibilities of family. he never took stand for his wife when it came to raise a flag in family esp. with his mom and her orthodox and dominant expectations and blunt rude behaviors.
on d other hand, my upbringing did not prepare me for handling such things and matters became worse. Now, m not on talking temrs with his mother as she has been repeatedly doing some objectionable deeds. we got a love marriage and then too he nvr supported me when in front of his family… he used to take me home and go out fr whole day with his friends.. dat was his culture n lifestyle as he mentioned. ladies stay home there. i inspite of being well educated, belonging to upper middle class family background, earning 3 times dat of my husband, … dis is nt due to any pride i carried .. it is just to help u understand my situation better.

I never complained on ANY thing. i took his mom’s sarcasm with smile. although i used to inform my husband about it later when he would come home and when we were alone.. but he just believed his mom was a pure goddess and i had misunderstood her words. things kept going until his mom came to visit us for first time where we stayed. she changed the whole house and made my things all unsorted.. to satisfy her own dominant ego. and she looked into everybit of my belongings… in my absense when we both were out for work. i kept quiet on everythng thinking dat she had cm for 1st tym nd also she wnt stay wid us forever.
but one day she blasted on me unnecessarily using bad words for my father and cursing my caste and mentioning dat i was nowhere in front of their status, education, his son’s looks and all rubbish topics. i kept quiet and called my husband nd informed him abt all. he came home nd she put all blame on me with false thngs and my husband just got one sided to his mom leaving me all alone. he was also ready to discard me and leave home when i begged him to realize that its our home which will b broken… after lot of drama, nxt day he dropped his mom to railway station and came back home. he ws scared that i may commit suicide as i had fought with the whole society to get married to him. he informed my parents dat he is gonna leave me nd my mom requested him to stay wid me till she ws here. she came nxt morning nd it ws shocking to know for me.
she sorted our fight and asked both of us to give a new start. he agreed.
after some time he started realising his mom was wrong in several matters nd tried to even make her understand. but she was vry rigid. she promised to accpet me whole heartedly, but at our back,.. she continued the hate.
nd i finally stopped all connections wid her. i hv even reduced the no. of visits to his mom’s place. my brother in law gt married early this year and he is totally wife loving hubby kind of. his wife is of same caste as them and his mom was too happy to welcome her. however, the very nxt day, all realised and many women even mentioned that I ws far more cultured nd well behaved than d new bride. they go out fr dinners, have their separate room, they romance as a normal couple and my mom in law does nt hav courage to speak up in front of them as my brother in law supports even wrong behaviors of his wife. my hubby is now realizing that i wud hv been a gud daughter in law if he wud hv shown a little concern towards me as well. now he is trying to show d same… though its quiet late and m already hurt deeply now.. relations once broken cnt b repaired… i used to tell him dis…wich he is actually realizing now when it is too late fr me to become dat same soft spoken cultured girl which my parents had brought up…
now my mom in law tries to become close to us.. but still.. she nvr calls me.. her ego is still thr nd it will nvr go.. i’v seen dis.. she is d same with all relations except my brother in law nd his wife coz they give her money….i no wat her motive is. she is still selfish. its nt dat she has suddenly strtd lovng me or my husband. coz wat she loves most if money. and my husband does nt hv it.

dis is a hint of sm personal trauma inside my head.

i m very insecure abt my husband. i hv also lost trust in him as he had been hiding thngs with me.. repeatedly. however, post marriage, i hv nt yet found him guilty of gtng along with ne girl. but cnt trust him though. i find him vry prone to wrong habits. nd dis is wat bothers me a lot. he has been least considerate abt hw d money is earned. wat he has been cnserned of was only his food, alcohol, outing wid frns, movies, TV… dats it.
i hv car loan, home loan, credit card bill, house rent, internet/ electricity bill…. all on my head.
when he is left with no money to even go to wrk nxt day.. he vry innocently asks me fr money… never thinking of ahere will I get it frm.
he does nt hv dat sense of responsibiltiy.
now lately, he has just strtd showing me dat he has chnged nd now he knows his responsibilities… its been around 15 days of his realization… i am observing sm changes.. but m nt sure….
cnt trust him coz he hs been doing such talks fr past so many years…. nd wn he fails nd i blast.. he again cms up wid new promises…

i hv now become insensitive to his feelings… dis is wat hurts me. i dnt even cook food fr him. i dnt wash his laundry. i dnt actually do nethng fr him nw… i just dnt feel like caring fr him now.. i feel like i hv done fr 10 yrs nd m nt fool….
but i love him…. nd i dnt feel gud becoming so harsh on him…
i dnno… its tough fr me to live away frm him. i dnt enjoy neone’s company if he is nt wid me. i dnt even feel like going to meet my parents widout him. i feel addicted to him.
nd dis is bothering me now…
m i schezophrenic ?
i get scared in d night thinking some black haired lady near my bedside… i cnt stretch my legs while sleeping…. fearing smone wud pull my legs..
i dream of lizards very often.
i feel depressed. i smtyms get vry strong suicidal thots but even if i hv chance to do it…. i dnt do it.
wn at home, i do not cook food fr even myself..n stay empty stomach till he comes nd feeds me. although sm days i nrmaly go in kitchen n cook food which he complements..
i do nt feel happy… although i laugh at certain jokes at home nd wid my office colleagues…
i had a miscarriage last year and i am not able to conceive… m trying hard every month nd failing each tym. dis is the most deadly pain m suffering from nowadays… cnt go for treatments as finance is big trouble. this month, i was badly in tears and my husband realised dat now i may nt b able to bear this pain of nt having child… nd he has promised to tk me to a doc… inspite of other expenses n loans…
i no i need help… but dnno wat to do….
cnt pay psychologist councelling fee..
i desire to b happy and i wnt to live my life …i ws a girl who always gt complements on my smile… even at times i’v had strangers cmng up complementing my smile nd blessing me ….. i wnt to b dat same girl….
my presence was sufficient to bring giggles to a room.. nd now…. i crave fr happiness… i forcefully laugh at tyms to feel happy…
tears cm down as n when… too easily…. i ws a strong girl… i hd d strength to stop my tears inside my eyes even during a vry emotional scene in a movie… nd now…. :(

I do not know if i should keep or break this marriage. but i would be happy to keep it going.
sorry for a long long note….. CAN YOU HELP ME?

Will wait for your reply very very soon please… Happy New Year in advance :)

Sonali.. plz respond.. plz suggest wat shud i do… its not wrkng between both of us now.. but we r both not able to say it quits… plz help me Sonali…. i see no solution coming… i value this relationship.. it matters to me a lot… i really love him… but i no more trust him… i am unable to understand wat he genuinely is…. i find him as a stranger now… i mean m nt sure wat kind of person he is…. i no him fr 10yrs. .. we r married for 4yrs.
Sonali.. plz respond.. else it will b too late…. i dnno whr we r going… constant fights.. arguements.. tears.. humilations… plz help Sonali …