Hi Divya!I can relate a little to what you have said. I was bullied at school by both classmates and teachers. Had friends for only about two years throughout my school life. The guy I fell in love with was wooed by my ‘best friend’ despite knowing my feelings. I took up a course of study against parent wishes and had a better college life where I found acceptance by some people. After graduation I did not find a job while the friends I had made in college and even juniors did! I stayed back at home for a year as I thought I felt exhausted. I did not try too hard to secure a job and my parents made me give random exams which irritated me more and I started to withdraw further. Felt I am losing it and was suicidal. Became so fat that only nighties and huge XXXL clothes fit me. I did not dare to step outside the house. I was miserable and I was lost.
Today, I am employed, earning okay, happier, definitely NOT suicidal, have friends and fit into XL clothes. Still no boyfriend but that’s okay, I dont mind. It will happen when it has to.
How did this change happen? I got lucky. And so did you.
You are lucky that you came here. The very fact that you shouted for help shows you do have faith in yourself at some level and great survival instincts. Good work. Now try this –
Play some soothing instrumental music, close your eyes and lay down in a relaxed position, STOP thinking about ANYTHING and breathe deeply. Feel your body relaxing. Concentrate on keeping your mind from away from any thoughts and keep breathing. Do this for 5 mins. Please first do this and then read the next line. Have faith. worse case scenario, 5 mins of yours are wasted. so please first follow the above step then only read the next line.
Now see yourself standing at some distance. Keep breathing and unthinking. Just try picturing yourself at a distance. Do this for 2 minutes. See next line after that.
Say three things that make you feel really good about yourself. Relax, keep breathing and picture yourself with these. Do this for 2 minutes.
Now, see yourself as very happy. Describe yourself. What are you doing in your imagination, smiling, waving, clapping? Look carefully.
Now what is the job you are doing as this happy person? DONT ANALYSE, just see in the picture. What do you think is your job as this happy person?
Now relax. Enjoy the music and empty your mind of all pictures, imaginations and thoughts. Breathe, relax and enjoy the music. Do this for 5 mins. Wake up.
Hope you found some answers as to what you really want. If you did remember, the only way to go from rock bottom is up. Forget about what anyone else in this planet thinks about anything. Just take a break for today and tommorrow sit down with a pen and paper and write down the things, plan how you can become the happy you, you saw. All the best.
P.S. I BELIEVE IN YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE SO BRAVE AND HAVE ACHIEVED SO MUCH ON YOUR OWN.