i am 22yrs old and in CA final. I am less talkative and reserved in nature, have very few friends. My dreams were every thing for me; I wanted to establish my own business empire from my childhood and wanted to serve poor, orphans and old people. There was no place for boyfriend and marriage…
I feel you have created too many boundaries for yourself and are too hard on yourself unnecessarily. There is nothing wrong with developing friendships and loving relationships around you and allowing people to care for you. I respect your dreams of becoming someone big one day but successful people also love, they also have people who love and care for them. Relationships don’t bind you. They give you support when you need it most.
That said, it was easy for your boyfriend to break your vow because he was the first one you allowed to be so close to you and you ahd so many feelings and emotions pent up inside of you, that it would have been easy for anyone who managed to get so close to you. But that does not mean that it was necessarily your fault. Yes, religiously it may feel sinful to you and that is to be respected of course. But now that it is done, it cannot be changed. What you CAN do is view your life with a fresh perspective and find a way out.
Has your boyfriend stopped contact with you ever since you became intimate or is he the same as always? If there has been no change in his behavior, we cannot assume that he claimed to love you only for sex. He may genuinely care about you. Are you still interested in continuing your relationship with him and think about marriage one day?
Even if you don’t get married to him, there is no reason why you should destroy your future life due to one single experience. Don’t attach so much dirtiness to the act. Just think, when you did it, didn’t it seem like a beautiful thing? Wasn’t that a lovely intimate moment? Then I want you to remember it like that. Like a positive thing. It happened and it was beautiful and now you can move on. It was just one of the million experiences one encounters in their life. Get the guilt out of your mind and MOVE ON. Study, make a career, get married if you want and just lead a happy successful life. Unless it left you with scars that will torment you all your life, there is no reason to obsess over that one single experience. And it is certainly no reason to think about ending your life! Suicide is for cowards…it is the biggest sin you can ever commit…to not respect the gift of life God gave you.
So promise yourself that tomorrow would be a new day for you and a new life.
All the best!