I will call myself B(22) and my girlfriend A(24).
We started seeing each other in the final year of our BE degree. My mom found out about the relationship by sneaking into my Gmail box and reading through my emails. She reacted very badly, got hysteric and used to be depressed a lot. She would continuously shout at me trying to get me to breakup. She even threatened suicide to this end. The reason she gave me was that she believed that A was “not trustworthy”. I cannot begin to describe how bad the situation was. She would not talk to me for days at end, and even if she did she would fight. She would try to make me feel guilty for failing my duties as a son (for not honoring her wishes). I eventually convinced her that we needed to go to a psychologist. I was diagnosed with depression. The counselor counseled both of us and things seemed to improve. In my last session the counselor told me that I needed to come only after the exams once as he felt I was OK. He did ask me to try and send my mom. But she refused to go. And since things had improved I did not see a problem. I gave my exams and despite all the problems I stood first in the university. [This was happening from Feb-June 12] (Counselor told me my mom has problems too (brooding, depression))
One incident I must mention here is that once I had left my phone at home and stepped out. A had called on it. My mom picked it up and abused her a lot. She called her a liar, abused her dead parents (they passed away in a car accident), and called her a loose person.
[Last few weeks]
I passed out and started a dream fellowship at IIT-B (as a junior research fellow). (I still am). I work hard here. From Monday to Saturday, from morning to noon. I am hoping to use this to get into a higher education scholarship (I hope to go to CRISP, NUS Singapore). On Sundays I would go to meet A. (And a couple of weekdays when She and I finished work early). I would call her on my way to and from work. I had stopped texting so as not to incite my mom again. Again my mom found out about me meeting her (from the stub of a train ticket). (I have been working here for 6 weeks now)
She was suspicious and asked me not to lie. (One of her complaints from last time was that I had lied to her to hide my relationship.) I did not lie this time and told her truthfully. And the whole thing started again.
She has been continuously yelling at me, and trying to make me guilty. She keeps saying that we brought you up for 21 years, and you will leave me for “this girl”. She keeps demeaning A and calling her names. She insists that she is a good judge of character and from her eyes she can make out that she is a liar. She has developed a sever aversion to A.
She now is making up stories to try and 1> get me to start hating A 2> turn my dad against A. (He is neutral ATM)
She keeps repeating the above incident over and over, but with added details like how A had been “audacious”. She says A had been commanding and dominant over her on the phone. My mom said A, at the end of the conversation said “I get what I want”. I know all this not to be true because A had recorded the call. I understand my mom is lying because she simply wants to break me up.
But my dad believes her, and I did not contradict her because she only gets hysterical if I try. She starts screaming and crying.
Since her strategy to get me to develop an aversion to A has failed, she now threatens to commit suicide if I ever marry A. Then she says things like “you have to choose her or me” and “you can’t live w/o her, so be with her, don’t come back to me”.
Today she called to say that I should look to move out of the house to a hostel because she wants me out of the house, unless I breakup. (A direct assault) She keeps trying to make me feel guilty, and trying to make me believe I have failed her.
She brings up 2 incidents – how her mom had warned her not to marry my dad, and how she regrets it today. And some neighbor who had defied his parents and developed schizophania after his wife cheated on him.
I am willing to breakup for my mom’s mental peace, but unless my heart knows a solid reason to give up a happy relationship, I know neither I nor A will truly be able to separate. Also it will hurt me a lot to do so. I tried asking friends who recommended hiding it from my mom. (I am very discrete about it anyway)
My mom refuses to go back to the counselor. She says if anyone is mad, it’s me. No one develops such a solid relationship at such an early age and it’s unnatural. And I should break up etc….
She says it wrong to have such feelings at such an early age.
About the relationship: My mom is jumping the gun a lot! We just want to take it a step at a time and let things progress naturally.
I could not express everything, and the mail has already become fairly long. Also, I’m typing this from the lab, and I have prying eyes around. I hope I could convey enough of a gist to allow you to advise me.
I am feeling very pessimistic and depressed and it’s affecting my work. Please help me.
I tried going to my institute’s counselor, but she is overbooked.