HELP me plz…
i am going through very hard time sometime i think of ending my life.
i am 22yrs old and in CA final. I am less talkative and reserved in nature, have very few friends. My dreams were every thing for me; I wanted to establish my own business empire from my childhood and wanted to serve poor, orphans and old people. There was no place for boyfriend and marriage. And I was overconfident that I will never fall in love. (I am full of negativity regarding relationship and marriage and males). I never had any crush as I devoted my life in getting knowledge about business world and share market. And I used to tell my self I am not made for all this(i considered making boyfriend as wrong), for 22yrs I was untouched with this part of life (love romance etc.)
till now my life revolved around my parents and i have set high standards for my 2 younger sisters, like in religious matter, studies and staying away from boys(purity and all).
My upbringing and the background I belong, physical intimacy between male and female before marriage are considered wrong. Moreover from my childhood I dislike physical touch I never hugged my parents and not even to my female friends, ( due to my boyfriend I even realized that I am shy and even scared of physical touch, I don’t know why I am like this).
But my boyfriend entered in my life when I was going through emotional crises and unknowingly he was always there when I was upset and through his humor he used to make me laugh. And then I start considering him as my best friend we both were in different cities, even than we used to chat daily on facebook or through texting. In period of 2 yrs there was hardly a day when we didn’t talk.
After 2yrs for few months my parents send me to another city (city where my boyfriend lives) for taking special classes there. There he helped me out in every situation, we start spending more and more time together. And this how our relationship begins. We belong to different religions and that’s why I urged him to stay as friends because we don’t have future. but he refused to it. But slowly we started to realize that some how we will manage, though it would be tough to fight your parents and society.
Those months are just like heaven we never quarreled (apart of intimacy problem i am scared of it and moreover it was against my religious belief and losing your virginity is a sin before marriage) his way of expressing his love was too romantic just like we watch in movie or read in novels (which I never dreamed of). He cried for me, when I was going back to my city. We spend 12-14hrs and even then he never wanted me to go, just ask me to sit with him little more (even if we are not taking simply silently sitting in a café).
In beginning of relationship I tried to convince him and strongly resisted for physical intimacy but I failed . This physical intimacy and love for him gave me strong guilt feeling.
but i feel i have fallen from my standards, cheating my parents and committed a crime
and my trust on him has shaken, i feel like he is cheating me and his only motive was physical intimacy.
i am surrounded by insecurity , guilt, sinner feeling, loser and like i have lost every thing. i am a bad girl now with no values. all this are killing me eating me from inside.
what will i do when my parents ask me to marry someone else, if someone come to now about my relationship what they will think of me etc are just destroying me.
i am in a situation where i feel i am completely rotten out and have no right to live.