I am a married girl, (since 4 years), love marriage. I have known my husband since 9 years now (5 yrs before marriage). I had been in an affair (sexual relation) with my colleague from the time of my marriage (for 1.5 years). He was also married. His wife got to know there was something between us, and she complained to my husband. Both , his wife and my husband only knew there was possibly something, but we convinced them there was nothing (atleast I convinced my husband, though he dint still like the fact that I was close to that guy). I have moved on since then. Now, recently my husband has grown close to his colleague and spends a lot of time alone with her. I have started spying on him and checking his mails, messages etc., which he deletes as soon as he sends! When I asked him about her, he says he gets along with her and she is just a friend. But I have seen him texting her at 5 in the morning, 1 in the night!
I feel very helpless, and he gets very irritated when I tell him anything about this. He tells me to trust him (as he is sure he can never do anything that is wrong morally), and not say much as I have also done something wrong sometime, and he says he is not doing anything like that, but I feel mentally frustrated. I have started relating things, and I feel what goes around comes around, infact I even apopligised to that girl (text her)! I dont think I can tell my husband the entire truth about my relationship (because I will surely loose him), but I am suffering evry minute and repent a lot for my doings. I cant undo what I have done, but I am not being able to cope with the fact that my husbands goes for work at 12.00 in the night and meets her!! He meets her the whole day, then comes back home and texts her. I dont know how to take all this. I cannot tell him that I know he texts her, because he deletes the messages (I have seen his reports and send items list is deleted). I even went to the extent of spying on him by secretly seeing what he is upto in the bathroom , and he caught me. He said I need psychological help. I do believe him that there is possibly no affair between them, but I dont like the fact that he is not open to me about her. When I told him to tell me everything he does with her, or talks to her about, he says I should give him space, and trust him, that he wont do anything wrong. I am going mad. Please help