Am I crazy?

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    Ghost
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    Hi, I’m 21 years old over a year ago I was hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD. I don’t fully fit that diagnoses anymore which is probably a good thing. I still have anxiety and depression though. I’m taking 200mg of Zoloft (when I remember…). I don’t know if I’m longing for the childhood I lost or I’m mentally stuck but I don’t feel like I’m 21 at all. I’m just hoping one day I’m going to wake up and this will all just be just another nightmare. I didn’t have the best childhood and It’s hard for me to remember enough of it to even process what about it was specifically I can’t even remember the last family vacation I had and that was only five years ago. When I was in elementary school I would have panic attacks almost every night. I grew up never feeling safe and always wanting to run away or contact some form of illness. All I do is want to be a child again or I’d settle and be a teenager again. I just want to watch movies, colour and play with toys. I wish I could go back and tell someone I wasn’t okay I always pretending I was. I wish I could go back when I was 8 and run away like I wanted but I can’t. I want to grow up and live my life but I feel like I’m just stuck. I can’t move forward I can’t talk to my therapist. I can see myself just loosing control of myself and walking into traffic and that’s terrifying. I can’t stsy out of my head some days. I’ll repeat events real or not real over and over and just obsess over them. I think I’m messed up if a good dream to me is having the world consumed by a pandemic. I just don’t know what to do some days. And almost everyday I’m reminded to just act my age by I for some reason can’t. I just want be a kid again so bad. I still sleep wth stuffed animals and if I can’t sleep I’ll play with them. Or ‘pretend’ I’m a kid and curl up in bed or a baby falling asleep. Sometimes my nights are just bad and I have to sleep on the floor and I have panic attacks and feel like I’m in my old room and it’s just awful. I’m paranoid about everything. I hide journals my school notes, money and other valuables, even though I have a mini safe. I can’t give away or throw out stuff like worn out clothes/shoes, toys stuffed animals blankets. I’m obsessed with the world ending and just want to be prepared. If I live only my own my place would be full of survival gear. Because I know a sword isn’t going to cut it. I also believe I was born in the wrong time period I like vinyl, macremae (I think that’s how you spell it?) cross stitch, typewriters, doilies and tapestries. I know I’m crazy and I don’t really know what answer to expect which is why I’m posting and it asking my therapist. I like to know what’s going to happen before it does… thank you for taking time to read this.

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