Am I crazy?

This topic contains 1 reply, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  Swarup 3 months, 4 weeks ago.

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  • #21584

    Ghost
    Participant

    Hi, I’m 21 years old over a year ago I was hospitalized and diagnosed with BPD. I don’t fully fit that diagnoses anymore which is probably a good thing. I still have anxiety and depression though. I’m taking 200mg of Zoloft (when I remember…). I don’t know if I’m longing for the childhood I lost or I’m mentally stuck but I don’t feel like I’m 21 at all. I’m just hoping one day I’m going to wake up and this will all just be just another nightmare. I didn’t have the best childhood and It’s hard for me to remember enough of it to even process what about it was specifically I can’t even remember the last family vacation I had and that was only five years ago. When I was in elementary school I would have panic attacks almost every night. I grew up never feeling safe and always wanting to run away or contact some form of illness. All I do is want to be a child again or I’d settle and be a teenager again. I just want to watch movies, colour and play with toys. I wish I could go back and tell someone I wasn’t okay I always pretending I was. I wish I could go back when I was 8 and run away like I wanted but I can’t. I want to grow up and live my life but I feel like I’m just stuck. I can’t move forward I can’t talk to my therapist. I can see myself just loosing control of myself and walking into traffic and that’s terrifying. I can’t stsy out of my head some days. I’ll repeat events real or not real over and over and just obsess over them. I think I’m messed up if a good dream to me is having the world consumed by a pandemic. I just don’t know what to do some days. And almost everyday I’m reminded to just act my age by I for some reason can’t. I just want be a kid again so bad. I still sleep wth stuffed animals and if I can’t sleep I’ll play with them. Or ‘pretend’ I’m a kid and curl up in bed or a baby falling asleep. Sometimes my nights are just bad and I have to sleep on the floor and I have panic attacks and feel like I’m in my old room and it’s just awful. I’m paranoid about everything. I hide journals my school notes, money and other valuables, even though I have a mini safe. I can’t give away or throw out stuff like worn out clothes/shoes, toys stuffed animals blankets. I’m obsessed with the world ending and just want to be prepared. If I live only my own my place would be full of survival gear. Because I know a sword isn’t going to cut it. I also believe I was born in the wrong time period I like vinyl, macremae (I think that’s how you spell it?) cross stitch, typewriters, doilies and tapestries. I know I’m crazy and I don’t really know what answer to expect which is why I’m posting and it asking my therapist. I like to know what’s going to happen before it does… thank you for taking time to read this.

    #21597

    Swarup
    Participant

    Hi, For first you haven’t done any wrong thing for which you need to worry and it’s defnitely not a bad time that you born. Nobody can decide the time to born. As you mentioned that your childhood was not so good that only effecting you till now. The mind is always thinking about the negative things which not letting you to be positive. For mental problems the threatment and the therapist are just a form but the main thing is only you can overcome from the things which made you to feel like this from the past several years.
    Depression is what comes from the past things and anxiety is about the fear of future. You’re feeling like this because your sorrounded by the things which are not helping you to overcome from your problems. So you need to be the person having belive in yourself that you can do anything to get what you want.
    So is our parents are supporting you in everrything?

    Thank you

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