March 24, 2019 at 7:34 pm #21624
Two years ago, the love of my life, my boyfriend of 7 years killed himself. Out of nowhere I receive a call from his brother telling me that he killed himself. I was so chocked. He was the happiest person I knew.. I was going through a rough patch and he took care of me, instead of telling me that he was not feeling well. I felt and still feel so guilty.
Two weeks later, I was in class (I am a student in college) and I fainted. The school took me to the emergency and they did a blood test. They told me that I was pregnant. You need to understand that my family is very old school. I didn’t even tell them that I had a boyfriend all this time. How could I tell them that I was pregnant now ? I felt so bad. I didn’t know what to do. I felt like this was my only chance to have my boyfriends baby, but at the same time I was only 22 years old. I was not ready for all this responsibilities. So 1 week later I decided to go with the abortion. I went to the clinic, everything went ok. I was crying the whole time. A few days later I had a weird feeling. I felt as if I was still pregnant. So I went back to the clinic and told them that I was not feeling very well. They told me that it’s normal because i juste got an abortion. But I insisted and told them that I want them to check if everything is ok. So they do an ultrasound and the doctor discovers that there is another baby. I had twins, but during the procedure they just took out one foetus. It was traumatizing having to go over this all again. All this was happening at the same time as my final exams, so I was pretty stressed.
We had a party at the end of the school year and my friends forced me to go. I was really depressed and just wanted to sleep. But my friends said that it will change my mood to go out. So i go to the party and I start drinking. I never really was a big drinker. Honestly I was a pretty good kid. Straight As, good relationship with my family, never out too late… But after drinking this night, I felt good. I forgot for a few seconds that my boyfriend broke up with me by killing himself and that i had to go through 2 abortions. So i keep on drinking. Summer goes by, everything is ok. I go on vacation with my family.
When I get back to school in September, there is this whole inside me. Everywhere I look all I see is bad memories. So I start to drink again. At first it was juste a few times to calm my anxiety and depression, but then it was becoming a habit. I am studying in dentistry, so I know all of the effect of alcohol on your body and brain. I tell my patients that they should not drink too much, while all I was thinking about was my next drink. My life was becoming a joke. I tried to stop, with success. I was proud of me at this time.
But then, 2 months later, we had this event at school. I decided to stay at my friends place because she lives just in front of the university. She has a little after party in her place, I decide to go to sleep because im really tired. So i go sleep in her bed. Then some guy I barely knew (i know his face because we are in the same program. But i am in third year and he is in his 5th year), comes in my room. He gets close to me. I wake up and ask him what he is doing here. He ignores me and starts kissing me. I tell him no and i push him. He becomes more violent and he puts his hand on my mouth while his other hand is taking off my clothes. I fight back and I try to scream, but no one can hear me. He touches me everywhere. I am naked, he is naked. I can feel him over me. I continue to fight back and he continues to hurt me. My friend came at the right moment and opened the door. She yells at him to get out. He laughs and gets out. He didn’t rape me, because he didn’t get inside of me. But he attacked me. He touched me. He licked me. So I felt as I was raped.
Its not a surprise that after that i couldn’t eat, i started to drink again. I was so depressed.
At the same time, so many things where happening. I got in a car accident, i saw my dad cheat on my mom, one really close friend to me tried to kill himself, i had some health problem..
These past two years have been awful. I don’t know if I am over exaggerating, because I haven’t told someone about all of this. I keep on pretending that everything is fine, and that I am happy. But I feel like dying. I am so tired, I don’t want to do anything else then sleep.March 30, 2019 at 4:41 pm #21626
I dont think you are exaggerating. This really is too much. Like seriously. But that is how life is, I guess. Up and down like the waves of an ECG. You have gone through so much, but has not it made you stronger? Don’t you realize how unpredictable life can be? The world can be a really cruel place, people can be monstrous, and I think you have learnt that now. You have learnt that there is a stronger, mightier force that controls your life, the hand of God. So dont let all this shit life is giving you put you down. Dont feel sad. This is a tough time but it will pass too…. Learn from it…. Gather wisdom and humility… Love yourself… May be you should try some yoga… I hope this answer helps you…. Do respondApril 30, 2019 at 9:40 pm #21634
Hi Elly, there is lot of things happened in your life at short period of time. So it will be difficult for you to come out from all this at once but you can make it better than now if you try your best. So at some point you’ve made some mistakes which are made you to feel depressed and the feeling of guilty is the reason behind your anxiety. You should take all the past negative things as a lesson which were clear that you should not repeat those things again in your life.
Let’s come at second bad situation where you’ve been physically harassed by some mentally ill person which made you to feel insecure from others. Just be clear that everyone is not like the person with whom you had bad experience but there are many people who still have humanity in them. So don’t try to get comfort by taking alcohol or any kind of drugs because the real happiness should come without any alternatives.
So try to forget about the past by thinking about the things which you have to do from now. You can’t changed which happened but you can change which are supposed to be happen. Try to be with the people who still cares for you and try to talk more with different people so you can able to know the things you still have to get in your life. All the best, Thank you.
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