confused frustated

This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  @himani 4 years, 5 months ago.

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    Long story
    Hard to sum up
    since I was a kid I have seen my mom suffering from dad: domestic violence. Knowingly or unknowingly I registered all this in my little kid brain. I even witnessed a near split of my parents. I used to live in delhi with dad and mom lived with her parents with my younger sister. Now mum tells me that when she returned to delhi I refused to even talk to her. dad had filled my ears against her!
    I grew up to be very quiet outside but inside always a storm rages within me. In the recent years i became very rebellious. I tried to convince mom to file complaint regarding all this. She being a “pativrata” refused and even scolded me for thinking in such a way.
    Dad always considered me useless because of my rebellious nature. I was a brilliant student untill 7th. Then my performance started deteriorating. Really don’t know why.
    This added up to the verbal comments I got from my dad. I also got beaten up with sticks many times(even when I was small…on petty issues).
    all this made me more rebellious but I wouldn’t say anything to anyone. I developed suicidal tendencies and started considering myself good for nothing (my dad always said to me “tum bhaar ho humare upar” ). I used to cut my wrists every time anyone scolded me. I even consumed pesticide twice but vomited.
    Then one day an ex student of my school texted me on facebook regarding photoshoots for their brand and asked if I was interested. I didn’t show any interest initially but later decided to give it a try. after all money was what my dad was concerned about.
    I told her that i’d tell her after asking my parents about it. She convinced me not to inform them untill things were settled. I was in class X at that time. The company was a clothes brand and it had started in 2008. owner of the company was a close friend of the the girl who i had talked to. I could not go out of the house except for school since we don’t live in a well connected area and my parents really have an extremely backward mentality. I used to go to school in a van. I somehow arranged for the man to pick me up in the morning instead of the van but at the last moment the van arrived at our doorstep and i had to go to school. I coaxed the van driver to let me go with a friend after dropping other students to school. All went well. But a woman spotted me in the van in school uniform shifting from van to car. She informed about this in the school and the driver was arrested. My parents were informed about it dad was called in the school. I was unaware of all this going on. Meanwhile the owner of the company picked me up from the van. He told me that he couldn’t take me to his office since e had already told his partners that i was not coming. I went to his house instead. It turned out to be a terrible mistake. He forced me physically. One of my friends knew about my plans to meet this person. He called me up to tell what was going on in school. This man somehow calmed me down and then left me near my house when it was time for me to return home from school. I could not tell my parents about what had actually happened. I cooked up a story to tell to them.
    i was suspended from school due to all this. I gave my final exams and then had to change school.
    I got science stream in another schools with subjects PCB. My parents had always wanted me to become a doctor. I could never decide anything for myself. So this is what I had to do.
    I never went out with my friends throughout 11th class. Always studied at home. But could not despite all attempts. However i managed to get marks enough to be promoted to the next class. I never demanded anything from my parents. Always tried to get their trust back. To live up to their expectations. But i could never do it.
    I know I made many mistakes but who does not?
    All of my friends come to me with their problems and I always solve them be it regarding studies relationships etc.
    But I don’t get a solution to my problems ever.
    My boards exams didn’t go well and I am not expecting a good percentage.
    I have filled forms for AIPMT and UPMT but i am not interested in studies at all. And I know medical is out of my scope.
    I had a terrible fight with my dad. I locked myself up in rage cut my wrists very badly and was just about to consume an extremely strong pesticide when my mom gave me her swear. I have not talked to my so called dad since that day. He didn’t wish me on my 18th birthday. I didn’t ask for his blessings.
    Mom seems to be uncaring. She thinks i am characterless because i talk to boys. Even while I was typing this out she scolded me for clearing everything out when she came. She thinks “mai gulchharre uda rahi hu”. I don’t want to share any problem with her because she thinks everything is my mistake.
    I have given up the idea of committing suicide because I don’t want to trouble my parents.
    But I don’t want t live with my parents anymore. I don’t want to trouble them anymore financially.
    I am still in contact with the girl who wanted me to do photoshoots. We don’t talk about that day anymore. But I can never forget what happened with me. But i have accepted it since it was my mistake.
    She is ready to help me in any way I want because she thinks it happened because of her.
    I have actually decided to leave my parents and their house forever on 22nd may.
    I have a dream of travelling around the world. Each and every corner. I am ready to do social service and especially help girls like me who can not speak about their endless problems to anyone.
    I know Delhi is not safe for single girls. I know I will get accommodation with much difficulties. I know I will fall many times. I also know that I am ready to face the world. I don’t want to be answerable to anyone especially my parents.
    I don’t know how to proceed with my life further.
    Please help.



    Its good himani that u have more confident on urself. Don’t loose it at any time in any situation. It is not difficult for u by leaving ur parents but it may effect u in future. U has to go one day leaving ur parents but u should take permission frm them. Even its k that u don’t wanted to talk with ur dad but just make talk with ur mother.



    Hi himani for quick reply contact my id
    [email protected]
    if u have any question or doubt then u can ask me, i’m happy to help u..



    Thanks a lot
    Plz check your mail

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