July 4, 2013 at 9:08 pm #13406
Everyone has a breaking point and I think I’m nearing mine. I’m 20 years old, going on 21, come November. I have a very low self-esteem, no confidence whatsoever and extremely prone to suicidal thoughts. It has been that way since I was 10 years old and thus, I consider myself a dysthymic. School was bad for me. Although I was an above average student, I started failing in some subjects and the utter humiliation that followed was the very beginning of my mental decline. I tried suicide for the very first time but I couldn’t go through it. I was weak and skinny and although I had a few friends in school, I became extremely shy and moved into a shell. I even got bullied where I lived.
Another disorder hit me simultaneously, I started speaking extremely fast with no one fully grasping what i tried to say (cluttering). I didn’t even realise such a thing had developed until people started making fun of the same. This speech disorder completely destroyed any potential of a normal life I would’ve led. So, coupled with two separate disorders, you could very well imagine what I’m still going through. Even in college, this has become the foremost bully-fodder and that too from my close friends. They target it as harmless humour but i can never manage to take it lightly. I consider killing myself everyday now as the situation progressively worsened.
My family is middle class but our financial situation is in tatters, literally. We barely get enough money to get by. My mother’s health dropped rapidly in recent years and so a major part of the expenditure goes to her med bills. No one knows about my condition and I never received therapy or medication. I don’t think I could even afford psychiatric help. I cannot approach my parents as they have enough problems to deal with and I don’t want to burden any friend or relative (trust me, they’ll be of no help). I tried self-counselling but you can imagine how it went. I don’t know for how long I’ll slug through because I’m definitely getting tired.
I need help.November 14, 2013 at 9:22 am #15346
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