This topic contains 2 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  honeyuj 4 years, 2 months ago.

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  • #13277

    honeyuj
    Participant

    Hello, my story is rather very strange, don’t know whom to blame, but it has really left me to live in depression and guilt from where there seems no way out.
    I am in my early forties, happily married with two teen-aged sons.. not until two years ago, when I met my first boyfriend after 25 years through a social networking site. And as fate wanted, we came very close,, have not seen him though, but only talked on the phone and through chats.. he became my everything a person could ever be, cared about me, loved me, understood me and even wanted me to marry him. I told him i will never be able to leave my family else they will all die of shame and hurt.. I did not know, am going to lose him this way.. he started drifting from me, stopped all contact finally and now says he does not love me anymore..
    I have not thought about anyone or my husband either ever since he came into my lie.. i have given 100% to this relationship and only live on the hope that he will be back in my life.. i don’t love my husband anymore and want to leave him since i do not want to cheat on his trust any longer. My husband knows all and is still very supportive.. but my feelings for my husband have taken a back-stage, so much so that i don’t even share bed with him. I really want to go to the one I love but for everybody’s sake i am not taking any such step. I live in depression all the time and wait for him to return in my life.. i really wish I had left my family for the person i love like anything. I don’t know what will I get by sacrificing my love but the fact is I’ve lost the most precious gift god could ever give me. I feel like ending my life every now and then than live with the person i don’t love. I cant get away from the memories of what I shared with my friend. many a times i feel like asking my husband for divorce, but don’t understand how to proceed. I feel am going to be the ultimate loser..
    I know perfectly well, I should live with my family and move on. but life seems to have got stuck in those few months i spent in my friend’s care and love.. i have requested him several times to maintain that much contact that can help me to live at least, but he refuses.. i don’t understand how can anyone just walk out simply by texting that he wont be in touch anymore.. I live in depression all the time and feel guilty why i did not go when i was given a chance. I have lost the one I love and i cant reciprocate the love of the person who loves me. for me its all so disturbing, I cant even concentrate on work or my children’s studies. Really fate cant be more cruel, its been two years, but i’ve lived each day in the hope of having him back in my life.. today i realize. we must think of our own happiness sometimes, than care about everyone else, but i never wanted to be selfish, and am paying the price for it.. life will not give me a second chance its really difficult to live feeling guilty..
    I anyone can help, plz tell what should i do, should I talk to my husband for divorce.. I must tell that I belong to a conservative family and live in a small town. taking any step would mean a life of hell and shame for my husband, children and parents.. i dont understand whose happiness should matter to me more, my own or theirs..I am not ready to give up on the one I love and dont want to use my husband when i don’t love him.. I do care about him but every feeling of love is missing.
    Please suggest as i need to take to decide very soon..
    please help..

    #15230

    warun
    Participant

    cruel fate
    Hello, my story is rather very strange, don’t know whom to blame, but it has really left me to live in depression and guilt from where there seems no way out.

    guilt is till you realize you mistake but don’t take corrective action
    madam i have gone through your problem. i am not a professional counsellor or a psychologist but have sure can put my views so that u just read without being yourself. see as if ur life is not yours but your friends and then what you suggest. as when we are depressed our thinking is constricted.
    next thing is i am really not sure if you have been able to recognize true love. i mean u met your boyfriend he was aware of your peaceful life then also he intruded to make it miserable. and he showed love care everything which sure you were deprived of from your point of view but actually not, and one day just ended every thing when he did not get what he wanted from you i.e. marriage. are you sure he loves you of he is just a women snatcher. many males are when they are unable to get their love they become like this. they try to disrupt any girls life they start liking as they see their girlfriend in her and want to give back the pain they got from the relationship. i am sure u alone are not the victim of his mastermind psychopathic brain and all these he does unconsciously. you got close to his out of sympathy not love. then it turned into luv when u started comparing it with your husband’s behavior, but truth is it was all unconsciously planned. just to give you the same pain same feeling he thinks he got and thinks you to be responsible for even if it was his decision of leaving you years back. also he has no guilt feeling or else he would have apologized with you after leaving you. so he blames you for everything secretly and wanted to inflict same pain he got and see finally he is successful.
    i think real love is when you sacrifice your wants, don’t feel any grudges against and do nothing which can disrupt your loved ones life. i have experience of this. and real love is when you forgive and accept the reality. love is not what he showed through talking to you but love would have been in not getting in contact with you again. and love would have been when 25 years back he would have laid his life to get you achieve you. i am sure he doesn’t love you at all and i don’t think you will be happy to discover this after a divorce.
    now coming to your husband. the real love is what your husband has done for you. understanding you supporting you in this very difficult situation of his. knowing that his his children’s and his family’s life will be ruined even though he is supportive . this is divine love very rare of us humans get. i am sure he is not a glib talker or a showy husband but he is inexpressive of his love in psychology its called alexithymia when someone cant express his love through words. and 80 % males suffer from this to various degrees, but the sign of real love is that you have been living your life peacefully for last few decades, this peace is in very few people’s lives. i am sure your peace is at the cost of his own.

    giving divorce to such a great husband would be called foolish. one fault from your husband’s side is he never tried to find out what you see relationship as and have a rosy view of the relationship but i think it is possible that you never tried to explain him and wanted him to understand on his own this is your perception of love which is a mistake. most men are not designed like that, it is what god has made them like that. you need to tell and explain them their wants.
    one thing your husband should do after this trauma is he should make your life more interesting and take you out of your routine. add a little bit of spice to life, and if he is not this kinda person you should take initiative to go out o new places have fun and i am sure he will catch on and you’ll be more happy than ever. and please don’t be fooled by anyone again and one more thing if you understand Hindi ” jo jikhta hai wo dikhawa hota hai” all that is easily apparent is showoff which can mislead easily. you did not doubt that person is not your fault. it was the trust of 25 years back, so you trusted him easily and if he would have been a true lover he would have been your husband on any cost, even his life.
    this was not fate but just his masterplan, you have not cheated your husband since you discussed everything and married women getting attracted to any other male is common and not something to feel guilty about, but what steps you take after that may make you feel bad or good. your husband will be proud of you that you care of his family and him and did not take any step which would blot his position in society. one blunder you are doing is punishing your husband even though he is not at fault by creating distance from him physically and emotionally, this is major reason your focus shifted to your boyfriend. end this before its too late. your husband is a real god trust me.
    i know you don’t have the courage to end your life as if you had i would have not written this post for you so don’t bully yourself by this thought and get depressed, also you may threaten your husband by this and he may not get into resolving the matter and tell his true feeling but have no option other than to support you. one more thing to take notice of is your boyfriend acted lovingly to you and you are crazy about him why cant you make your husband crazy about you by learning tricks from you lover.
    dear we need to give first to receive, don’t be foolish and go for a divorce, make your relationship strong by giving and i am sure you will receive much more than what you give because you have a rare of the rarest husband

    #15308

    honeyuj
    Participant

    hello Warun,
    logged in after months and read your reply today. thanks for replying and for understanding my situation. i agree with u my husband is a gem of a person and if I divorce him, i will not only be punishing my family but regret why i foolishly let go of him for something which is not even mine..
    Warun, its been months since i posted this thread but my situation has not improved rather i must say it has gone from worse to worst. my boy friend is not the type u thinking him to be.. i agree he is not expressive types but he does not want me to ruin my family and thats why he prefers to stay away.. he says i should live with the people i chose and not contact him ever.. it really hurts me to let go of him and losing him so awfully..
    my husband tries to be good to me but as if something stops me from getting close to him, i cant even tolerate a slight touch and even hate going out anywhere with him.. all the time am depressed and only think of leaving him for everybody’s good.. its better to stay away than cheating on him. i dont want to use his goodness and want to be out of this marriage at the earliest.. i understand, i’ll be all alone, but its acceptable than making my husband’s life worse.. living under the same roof as strangers is more torturous than living separately..
    i hope u will understand me now and reply accordingly..

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