September 1, 2013 at 5:27 am #13449
I am experiancing fear very frequently these days.
I was working but had to leave my job and the city i used to work.now i am in diff city and no job.
I left my job as my family and my boyfriend lives in the state where i live now.
My boyfriend stays in the same city where i am staying now.
We are in a 7 years relationship and lived together for 5 years and had to leave as he wants to come back to his family.
We were very happy together untill he told me one day that he started having a fling with girl.he told it was nothing he always loved me and that was just a fun for him and he promised me that he wont do it ever again because he realised how much it hurted us both and he cannot lose at any cost.
he also told that he realised that how much he loves me after what happened b/w us.
He wants to marry me and asked to come back to his city so i did,beacuse i love him so much and wanted to give a try as even i dont want to lose him and we are very good together.
however lately after coming here i feel i am lonely even he is with me.
He has very little time howevr i have plenty as i am still searching for a job.I feel everything has been changed, he hs changed however he tells nothing has been changed only the way i am taking things is wrong.
i have a problem that i cannot stay alone i need to with people.
I was staying in a room alone for a year after he left i used to feel; very depressed when someone used to visit me i used to be very happy and then i moved to a hostel as i was unable to cope.
during shifting to PG i got to know about his infidelity thing i was in deep shock for almost a month and i used to carry a pain and fear inside for which i did not want to move my body and just wnated to sleep.
We used to talk a lot when i get that,after talking with him i used to feel relieved slowly that pain has been diminished.
That incident happened in march 2013 and it stayed till June and July i left the city.
I was recovered and i was not having any issues until before 15 days.
these 15 days was hardest than ever.because before to that i was staying with my parents for some time.
Now i am staying in the same city where he lives and he stays with his parents howevr i stay with my mom.After coming here 1st 3 days were fine and i wanted to be with him however made myself understnd that it is not possible.But when i meet him for sometime i wont be able to be easy with him like before.i wait untill he says something and it has to be something about our relationship even though i knew i am wrong but i used to keep behaving like this.i was never like this i used to be the person who talk nonsense and use make him laugh.
We used to smile always wen we were together.
i am getting that fear back again from last 2-3 days.with all this issues going i am also attending interviews and i am getting rejected everytime.
Yesterday i had a very imp interview and i was not scared exactly but was having a unknown fear inside me which i was pushing away so hard but it was not going.
My boyfrnd came to drop me to the interview i was sitting very silent inside the car and we had a fight last night which he thought i was in the same thing.
with that fear i was just feeling i should just lie down and cannot go anywhere.
i told him that i dont want to go to the interview he was very angry and shouted at me and i was not able to stop my crying as if when i was crying my fear was going little by little and i kept crying and had to tell somebody i was unable to tell what was going inside so i called my frnd and spoke to her and my bfnd listened to the same.
He was upset when he is with me why need another frnd to express myself.
but i was unable to tell him.after i spoke to my frnd and i cried i was ok but i was feeling weak.He cuddled me a bit a told me not to be afraid and then i got down and i was normal washed my face and went for the interview.
I did well and there are chances of getting selected too as the intervierwer told me the same.
i came back home i was fine hopwever had little sadness and in the evening he came and i gave him dinner and then we went out..i was happy and he was happy too as if nothing happened.
and while coming back to home i tried explaining things what is happening with me it turned into an fight.
We got both very upset.when i got up in the morning i felt sorry and even he spoke to me fine and sent me a msg with little cuddle.
But you know i am having that fear andf that unhappiness.
What do i do?
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