Feeling too lonely and high time that I need to pour it out

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    My marriage is an arranged one and it is old by 15 years. My marriage got postponed because my Husband was seriously ill and was lingering between life and death.By then we were already engaged but not married. Inspite of my parents initial opposition ( out of concern for their daughter )I thought on humanitarian grounds and waited for his recovery and finally with the approval of my parents later we got married after one year of postponement. At that time I was working in an MNC with a good remuneration and designation I left my job after my son was born since I could not burden my parents and in-laws who are aged. My husband is good at the materialistic front. He takes very good care of us , he helps me in the household chores too . He has kept us very comfortably but he is not expressive and he says that he is an introvert. He is very attached to his family members. He is the best son that any parents can have. His family consists of six sons including my husband who is the fourth one.He talks to his family members very freely and goes out of his way to help them or make them feel comfortable.when my son was 3 he got diagonised with PDD.It was the biggest shock of my life but I gathered myself and though I thought of taking up a job I cancelled it thinking that the purpose of my life has changed and now it is to take care of my son and love him unconditionally and give him the special attention that he requires because of his special needs as a mother and I am a person who puts heart & soul into any work that I do so I am taking care of my son lovingly and I am happy about it too because I am putting my level best to bring improvement in him. My age is 41.My husband is 43. My son is 10 years old.I am having slightly high B.P and borderline Diabetics. My husband has not accepted the medical fact that our son has PDD and he firmly believes that there is nothing wrong with him and as per my son’s horoscope he will become alright once he crosses 12 years of age. My inlaws are very good. My MIL is bedridden for the last 3 years and stays with one of my BIL.But we visit her frequently and also together take good care of her. It is 2 years since my FIL expired . He was gem of a person.He was my inspiration and appreciated me for accepting my son’s disorder and taking care of him and facing it courageously. He was a great emotional support and a very loving and caring person. I miss him very much.He heard me attentively whenever I spoke to him on any issues related to my personal life.In case of my husband whenever I try to speak anything relating to our family he is just not interested in listening to me and there is total lack of communication in my house . It is only need based one.The situation of my house right now is my son is busy watching his cartoons , My husband is busy watching his favourite news and sports channel on his tab and so I am busy reading books, surfing net etc.Inspite of we living together we have no personal talks , sharing , family fun time etc.I feel very lonely. I don’t go with my problems to my parents since I don’t want to burden them at their old age and since childhood I have always felt that my parents have failed to understand me !!. which my husband is fully aware of.Overall I have always missed the “LOVE” that each human craves for at an emotional level.Is true love so unrealistic and rare that it is not possible at all.

    when outsiders hurt you don’t feel much but when your own near and dear ones hurt what should we do ?

    ONly seeing my son’s innocent face which tells me that he wants his mother keeps me going !! Now I have reached a point where I need to pour my loneliness out. I tried to speak to my husband on this but he avoids it and changes the topic.

    My husband never stands for me and always points finger at me saying that u are wrong when the fact is I am a fair person and I want him to stand for me because I am right and not to take my side.

    In our case my husband always doesn’t give importance to me nor my son in front of outsiders and sidelines us and it hurts my son too who expresses by saying that Dad you don’t love me, you love others more then me.He never plays with him the way he plays with other kids nor he makes any conscious efforts to teach him different games etc.

    I have 2 siblings who are too busy with their own family life and hence don’t want to burden them with my problems too.

    Inspite of giving my heart and soul to all my relationships i.e with parents, siblings, husband, friends etc finally I only end up hurting myself for no fault of mine and other people don’t even care about it.

    I wonder whether being a good and kind person is a sin in today’s world or being emotional is sign of weakness though I feel it is a sign of strength.

    I am a person who has always cared about other people’s thinking and seen to it that I don’t hurt anyone but when I am hurt because of their actions and talks I respond in the same way to them because I feel if I don’t they take me for granted or they don’t even bother to realise that they have hurt me and it becomes necessary to show them that I am also a human being like them.



    Mrs. Gaytri

    I can suggest you only one thing that you need to decrease your EQ as much as you can(EQ refers to emotional quotient same as I.Q). That means you need to make yourself emotionally strong. You should be like, you don’t give a damn if someone loves you or not.

    I know this sounds you really ridiculous. But let me tell you that you are living in India. Unlike western countries, an Indian wife can’t give divorce to her husband easily if she is not happy with him and go on a search of another person who loves him truly. Neither you can give divorce nor you can find you new love. These things will only create more mess in your life.

    Just try for a last time, take your husband on a date I mean out of your home where you can talk to him in alone and tell him everything clearly that we are family and we need to think over it and sort out this mess together.

    If still he doesn’t listen you. The only option left with you is to make yourself more hard and less emotional, and think like you don’t care if someone love your or not, you just do your own duty. Just love and care only and only your son, spend more time with him. Try to keep yourself busy and do the things which makes you happy. For e.g. learn new things, dance, listen music, help people, do counselling like I am doing here :)

    After reading about your son, I need to do some modifications. You two can only help out each other. Spend much time with your son, I know you do, but I mean you should take part on his activities like play video game, indoor and outdoor games with him, for e.g. you can play hide & seek, truth and dare. Take him to the outing every weekend, tell him stories, sleep with him. Teach him new things like cooking, dancing etc. Don’t just be his mom rather you should become his close friend (as his friends don’t like him). Make him feel that his mom is his best friend and he can share everything with you whether its bad or wrong. It will also help you to come out of your loneliness.

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