October 3, 2014 at 8:31 am #13855
I’m a 32 year old man having a wife & son. I resigned from work 6 months back and planning to build my career based on my beliefs. I’m confident about my abilities with job and can perform fairly well. I’m also confident I can get a job when I wish. However my problem arises with my concentration, strong emotions and inability to adjust with others.
During these 6 months I contemplated on my past and clarified many aspects of my life which I was unable to do earlier busy running a rat race. My son is a great relief to me looking into his innocent eyes heals me a little and I tell myself my duty to my son as a father is more important than anything else. This allows me to focus and banish negativity a little but only a little. And even after 6 months I feel that there are some wounds which will never heal and I have to carry with me for my life. And I’m worried I may fail.
I had a difficult childhood my father had drinking problem and my mother was psychotic. I mean no disrespect to them they had a tough life themselves. My father’s father was indifferent to him and committed some sins like having a mistress. My father had no moral compass and emotionally indifferent. He cared about his own emotional well being and did things that pleased him.
My mother had difficult parents herself, she was very emotional and had anger fits. Even little things like passing a joke may throw her into anger fits. Worse the day I was born my father went to my mother and told her he don’t like her and did’t want to live with her. My mother developed a kind of anger and chauvinism towards men in general. And she expressed this towards me very early from my childhood. I recall her relatives telling me that she’ll beat me even when she was nursing me. She continued beating me till I reached 12 years after which she stopped mostly because she was afraid after I stared her once while receiving. And my relatives warned her continuing to beat a growing a son will only bring lifetime wrath.
However she replaced beating with much more potent and painful thing. She’ll go verbal and start saying very demeaning, degrading and disrespectful things. This emotional abuse continued as long as she lived till I reached 23 years. I tried to talk to my father but my father only used this as an excuse to screw her which resulted in bitter fights and more abuse from my mother.
I tried to talk to my relatives & friends but none of them were ready to listen even a single word because in our culture disrespecting your parents is a cardinal sin because they put food on your plate. It only made my pain worse because in addition to the emotional pains I’m carrying I’ve to add one more that is guilt.
I quickly realized that I’m alone and no one is there to understand. So instead of wasting my time trying to make friends and please relatives, I focused on things that gave me pleasure and happiness. I focused on science and technology, and constantly upped my skills. I kind of became a rebel. Though I was an average student and had difficult academic life due to my parents, people who know me of my abilities respected me. I managed to complete MCA in one of the prestigious institutes in India that is NIT Trichy. Though I was an average student each one my classmates recognized my talent and without doubt will tell that if I ever tried to be the first in the class I would be the first.
My sister received relatively less abuse than me at the hands of my mother and my father of was more attentive to her. In our culture parents generally are more sympathetic to female children because they will go to another family. But despite this my sister ran away from my family and which triggered a chain of events that lead my mother’s suicide. My father’s behavior only worsened. After my mother’s suicide I was overwhelmed with guilt. I felt like an worthless son and a worthless person. I was not there when my mother needed me most. I grew more anger towards my father and sister which only made matters worse.
And my relatives, the GREAT INDIAN RELATIVES BIGGEST ASSET OF OUR CULTURE. They only used the situation to mock us, without understanding what is going on. They are happy to throw comments about my father before me but never had the guts to do it before him themselves. They only made me feel more guilty and angry. My father drank himself to death. And after his death I felt even more worthless son and pathetic person.
THE GREAT INDIAN PEOPLE WITH GREAT INDIAN VALUES. People only made me feel worse. I told myself I’ll come out of this, I told myself GOD is testing my resolve and a steel has to go through fire before it can grow strong. I hated GOD but I loved him. He made me strong but he also made me painful.
The problem is every day and at any moment something from my past pops up in my mind. It throws my concentration off balance. I was unable to function in a corporate setting. Though when I’m alone I work well. I also feel very strong emotions. I feel very strong anger and it only makes me feel worse later.
I tried morning walks, gyms, swimming anything that’ll help me to boost my mood. They never helped. They only improved my mood but my memories are more resilient. I once tried a psychiatrist in the past and she immediately jumped to conclusions and gave me prozaic. But my friend who had a difficult childhood himself warned me against it. I also read several articles in the internet drugs for psychological problems never helps and has serious side effects and may cause rebound effects. After this episode I was discouraged to go to a psychiatrist.
I want to live my life as a good man but when I think about the world it only makes me sad and angry. And I don’t know what to do. And I’m afraid I’ll fail. My memories are strong. I know there are people who suffered serious abuses and manage to live their life. But most of those people I believe might have received one or two traumatic episodes. What I received may not be grave but it was systematic and consistent.
Throughout my childhood I lived in constant fear that my mother will hurt me, my father will abandon me and my relatives will only hurt me more by insults. I carry many traumatic memories not one or two. And because I carry many it is difficult for me to develop coping mechanism. Every day some memory gets triggered and causes a chain reaction in my mind. For example, recently I attended a wedding and my wedding memories got triggered, which triggered memories of unpleasant events happened during my wedding with my relatives. Within minutes I started to feel very sad and out of place. I immediately wanted to leave.
Most of the days I feel out of place. Something triggers some thing and the cycle goes on.
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