This topic contains 5 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of lindsey_sooze lindsey_sooze 2 years, 9 months ago.

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  • #13856
    Profile photo of Anu.bhat
    Anu.bhat
    Participant

    Hi Admin,
    I badly need advice.

    In 2012 I got arrange marriage …my marriage was forceful against my wish…!!however my parents convinced me , but I had never agreed and kept on crying…but I had marry that guy..reason for my denial :though guy looks innocent , kind ,has good job..but his body is bent at several places and he looks odd…he his not smart..he sometimes gets scared while speaking …not much interaction with outside world due to his profession ..all these things I observed and felt how can I get attracted with such a guy and live my life ?!!…I explained these things to parents , they were never ready to listen me …according to them good job and good character is sufficient !! But I am not at satisfied and had to marry him due to so many pressure !!!!!!

    After marriage since both used to work at diff location …he used to meet me once in a week and I was not liking him much …but ok we shared a fair relationship !!!! I have several friends ….but I never introduced them to him since I am afraid of what ll they react by seeing his weird behaviors !!!

    Days passed and I got offer from my company to travel on site after few months after my marriage ….I had discussed with my husband before and he had agreed …I had planned to stay there for an year to build by career !!!

    I traveled to on site , there I met my old crush X…I knew that X had also crush on me at that time !!!days passed I and X used to spend more time together ..he used to help me a lot …I was enjoying his company to the core!!!latter one day my X told me that he was luving me so much and used to observe me everytime before when we were working together before my marriage but he was afraid to propose me ….after hearing these things …my heart started melting and I started to think …I had liked my X so Much before …why didn’t I or he express our feeling at that time and now it s all over , as I am already marriage ….day by day I started thinking these things so much that I started crying and regretting abouy everything that happened!!!!!!…

    After my X told these things my feeling and closeness towards him started increasing !!!!…he once told that he feel like kissing me and I avoided!!! And I scolded him but still my heart was beating for him ….it was first ever wondeful experience I had in my life …but I restricted myself …since I am already married ..I don’t have this right ….I used to enjoy my X company , though I could stop meeting him after this incident …I did not stop meeting him…latter we became very close and started having physical relationship … As we couldn’t stop ourself …we thought of ending it …but day my day we were becoming more and more closer and we used to plan trips and spend most of the time in the hotel…..at the end of each trip I used to cry and ask him what s our future and said everything about me and asked him to never leave me !!!!X said we ll decide and see what happens!!!By then I was emotionally attached to him !!!

    Days passed one side I was getting close to him and other side my family life is fully spoiled , a bit of love I had for my husband now disappeared …I almost stopped contacting him and told him that I had never liked him and he was shattered…I knew that I hurt my husband …but I did not wanted to keep him in shadow ..as I never liked him !!!! Days were coming closer where it was time that I have to leave on site and I started crying everyday thinking about my future !!!and how ll I survive with a person whom I never got attracted or liked !!!i wanted to stay with my X. But I did not see how it s possible and kept on regretting !!!!

    My X is a very good person , whom when I first met him thought hope he marry’s me…he his very simple ,does not communicate with gals much ,does not flirt ,no bad habits , very talented which am attracted to and body built is simple and perfect .

    I came back to India …it was difficult for me to leave my X and asked him to come back to India soon …my husband was now pursuing his higher education in other location and again I was worknh in other location …distance continued …he once came to visit me after I came back from on site after two years !!!!now the things had changed !!! As soon as he came he tried to touch me and I felt weird and then when he did not stop …I started shouting at him…my husband felt bad !!!! But now I am in a worst situation wherein I had completely given my heart and soul to my X that if my husband touches I get anger !!!i am unable to come out of this

    I shard all these things with my X and I frequently speak with my X than anyone else and unable to imagine my life without him !!!but neither my husband nor my parents know about him. !!!!

    Now I am in big trouble first I am unable to lead a happy life with my husband and he his so tensed and I am helpless !!!I am regretting each and every day for whatever happened in past…thinking y did I marry !!!…my patents have come to know and they are getting tensed !!!!they are advising me and I am not saying anything and I keep on crying everyday!!!

    When I spoke to my X what decision he took we are unable to take any decision since our happiness will hurt both families and they ll never forgive us for this and if we separate both of them ll never be happy!!!!!now I feel like leaving everything and staying alone !!!but looking at my parents or husband I can’t take this decision as we’ll …I am helpless , disturbed ….my heart needs my X and I can imagine my future only with him and tht s nt possible ….please help!!!!!!

    #15592
    Profile photo of lindsey_sooze
    lindsey_sooze
    Participant

    Hello,

    First of all tell us the fault of your husband. What wrong he did with you? He has faith on you and you are cheating him. When your parents was forcing you for marriage then why you surrendered him? You have courage to cheat your husband but this courage disappeared when your parents were forcing you for marriage.

    Excuses which you have given to hate your husband are not convincing one. I am not sure whether your new boy friend really loves you or he loves your body. In this point of time you have to decide whether you want to spend your life with your husband or not. If no then first confirm with your boy friend whether he is ready to marry you or not. If yes then give divorce.

    Now time has come where you have to take decision about your life. See whatever you do in your life; life will also return you the same thing.

    #15593
    Profile photo of Anu.bhat
    Anu.bhat
    Participant

    Thanks for the response Lindsey .. I will def take ur suggestions…I know anyone reading my post might get angry on me!!!!! .. But…I can’t explain my situation…I have experienced toughest times in my life!!..I was too innocent to stop my marriage that time…the only thing tht I regret till now is why my parents did not consider my opinion ..when I was telling no and crying everyday from the time my marriage was fixed…my parents are very very good …they care for me ..I am lucky to have them …but I was not given chance to take my Life s most important decision..!!I cannot ask this questions to them now, as they feel hurt!!!…I know that I shdnt or think about such things now , as it s too late…even though I stop thinking about this sometime …but these questions triggers me again and again sometimes when I experience some situations …

    And he his not my new boyfriend …he was my old friend, whom I had wished to marry before my marriage was fixed…but neither He or me … No one had guts to express our feelings , though he too liked me ….yes I am aware it s over now…and still these things regret me sometimes now, why I was so dumb that time , why I did not give a try !!!!!

    Now when I am married…I am always away from husband and till now had a long distance relationship …no proper communication!!!.After marriage, Since I am working woman, both had jobs at different cities…hence both stayed apart and used to meet once a week or month…after few months …I moved to foreign country and again far away for 2 years , this was my dream to travel and experience (I am responsible)…wherein he was busy preparing for his higher education …now when I am back …he got higher education seat in different location , where there s no IT company, where I can go and work and stay together …still we are far away ….

    Now in this situations ….first of all my marriage was forced marriage and then long distance relation , never stayed with my husband , we never understood each other properly and again on top of that my regret towards my parents decision and my regret , since I was not able to express my feelings to my old friends …thinking if I would have expressed , he too had liked me …my life would have been far better …on top of this …by seeing all my friends …how happily they are roaming with their husband , setting up house, planning for future …I have never got this Chance yet !!!I think of all these things almost everyday…and cry cry and cry !!!Need your advice on this…..

    #15594
    Profile photo of lindsey_sooze
    lindsey_sooze
    Participant

    What I feel that as you was not happy with your marriage you have not tried to see any positive in your husband. Now you have two options.

    1) Think about your husband. How he is behaving with you? Does he really love you? Because to understand a person you both should live together. I think you both have not spend too much time together. If you not live with a person then how you understand him. How emotional bonding will build among you both. If you really think that he is really caring and good person then you should stay with him. A woman is a power of a man. You can change him. You can impact his personality. So don’t just go on physical personality. A poor personality with good nature will make you more happy then a good personality with bad nature. So don’t think about only physical structure. Judge him by his nature. What I understood he looks like a good man whi gave you freedom to build your carrier.

    2)If you really feel that you can not spend your life with your husband then you have to ask with your boyfriend. Will he accept you and make you as his life partner? As per my experience I observed then when a man get physical pleasure with woman they show more love and affection with her. But when time came to take bold decision then they run away. So first cleverly convince that do he really loves you or just trying to fool you. Don’t be physical with him. Why I think this because you meet him after a long time and he know your mental status. In this case if he really love you then he should himself propose you for marriage and should promise you for better life. At last if you got convincing answer from him then you can go for divorce and marry your friend.

    You have already did a mistake by not taking bold decision previously. Now you have to do it now. If your relation leaked in public then you have to face more challenging issues.

    #15598
    Profile photo of Anu.bhat
    Anu.bhat
    Participant

    Thanks Lindsey…Your advice really mean a lot to me at this moment

    Whatever be the first option…Neither of us (me and my friend)can go with the second option…though we want to spend rest of our life together…we are not ready to face the consequences of it…first of all my parents will be fully shattered and will never forgive me …secondly , my husband ….he ll definitely regret for marrying me and wasting his time and about the society , friends and relatives , none of them ll like me then….thirdly answering to people..all these things really make me feel scared…thinking all these things, only thing I do is just regret within and cry !!!!which I cudnt stop doing it till now!!!

    Yes I have tested my friend several times, he really likes me a lot…not just physical attraction…he his not flirt sort of guy…he s very calm , talented and smart guy, that is why I had liked him in past and found him suitable person as life parter…as you know , I just felt , never tried that time…

    Coming to my husband, Yes I feel I should spend some time with him and understand…but tht s not happening …Since he s studying in a place, where I can’t go and work…And I can’t quite my job even and stay with him…Since he his studying he ll not have sufficient money to look after me there…his eduction is for 3 long yrs….my age is also increasing …still not settled..!!!Just thinking when will I get time to understand him :( …I dunno what to do…when all my friends are settled with their husband, enjoying life , roaming and posting pics in FB…I am still figuring out what to do and still staying with my parents…most of times , I ll have to answer so many questions asked by people..whcih really hurts me a lot….I am helpless again in taking any decision…I never thought I d end up in such a situation!!!!……I was the bright student in school and in college and having successful career life ….But I have become totally NILL in my personal life…

    #15599
    Profile photo of lindsey_sooze
    lindsey_sooze
    Participant

    Dear Anu,

    I understand your situation. You answered yourself for your problem. As you herself committed that you can not go with your friend then why you are wasting your time with him. See your interaction with your friend will give you temporary peace and pleasure. But this pleasure and happiness will cost you more. Later you will feel restless and unhappy.So if you immediately stop this interaction then initially you have to feel pain but later all things will go fine.

    You can not travel in two boats simultaneously. As you both (I am not sure about that boy why he is afraid of accepting you?) are not ready to face the consequences and afraid of taking bold steps. So don’t proceed further in this relation.

    As you have only one option left then why not to make this option comfortable. Try to increase the frequency of interaction with your husband. Sometime he and sometime you visit each other place and meet each other. If possible for you to shift to his place then it will be great. If it is not possible then no problem. 3 years in not too much of time that you can not spent.

    Stop watching other people life. Everybody has their own life. People who have smiley faces on Facebook does not mean that they are very much happy. So forget other people life. Try to focus on your life and your relationship. Try to comfortable with your husband physically. Initially it will not but as time passes you will realize that.

    Remember that if your relationship with your boy friend come in light that you will be in big trouble so immediately stop that.

    Regards
    Lindsey

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