This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  mehrunnisa.azad.k 3 years, 8 months ago.

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  • #13641

    user_saggy
    Participant

    hi,
    I am a girl from Maharashtra and I am 24yrs old.
    done engineering and was doing job in IT company in pune.
    but while doing dat my parents started to watch out boys for my marriage (kind of arrenge marriage).
    one of the kind of program I met a boy , he was good loking n family was known to my parents..
    but the boy despirately wanted me to leave the job and stay at home after marriage so,
    all my family said, dat why u want to do job, stay at home, family is good, he is good earning, financial condition is good..
    u will stay happy n all….
    I agreed…again n left my job…
    then after saying yes to that proposal……his mom called my family and said lets do ring ceremony in next 4days in short manner..
    we agreed….
    I came to know after saying yes dat.. they are asking dowry from my parents n I got very surprised dat they also agreed for this….again relatives and people said me dat u don’t worry its for your good future.. I made my mind then..
    after our engagement we had a fight 1st time,
    on very silly thing dat I said him casualy like… hey..don’t be so ruler kind of husband I am not having ur sirname yet so…
    but he got so angry on dis..n said me look here there is no jabardasti and I didn’t came to you saying marry me plz n all..so if u think like dis we can stop our relation here itself..

    I got very much shocked ..I mean how can he talk to me like dis??
    stoping relation means????
    then he started to call me.
    we started talking on phone for long time..
    as I left my job..so was at home and was free..
    he used to call me atleast 10 times a day..
    at the first I was getting irritated for this.
    as day passed I got used to it …….
    one more thing he always insists me to do is..
    if I am going somewhere outside then he used to say me click a photo now and send me on whatsapp now itself..
    he used to check my cloths n all dat is it good or not..
    he used say me don’t use short tops on jeans and sleevless dresses.
    I avoided that also as he said he don’t like.
    As days passed , I also started feeling something for him. I started calling him, I had fallen in love with him….I used to keep thinking of him hours and hours….
    but problems were there like he was so dominating and started to rule on my life before marriage..like…
    he said me..
    u should not go out of ur house without telling me.
    u should not miss my single call also.
    u should be available wen I want to talk or wen I call.
    u should learn all kitchen activities n prepare good food.
    u should not lie to me.
    n all…….etc
    I started following all this..
    but somewhere I couldn’t be so accurate to follow all his rules bcoz in my childhood my parents made me grow like a boy. they never made difference in a girl and a boy..i was quite a tom boy type..
    but now changed a lot for him..
    but in early times means in jan2014 we had many fights as our marriage date coming closure in feb2014.
    my parents n all relatives getting all our misunderstandings and fights.
    they again said dat,” beta he is not good for u at all, we are sorry for u but plz we don’t want u to marry dat guy. as in his family girls n women are treated differently. u will suffer like hell there..
    take a step back now only..we are saving u. we know u very well u will not fit for this kind of guy..”

    what the FUCK is going on here…
    I was feeling like a puppet now………all said to marry I agreed n left my job, my career, n now I madly in love with him, now all saying leave him don’t marry such guy….

    arrey??? means what should I do ???
    I tried to run away from home but my parents caught me very early,
    I tried to call him but no one allowed me to do, my laptop, my phone, my ATMs, and my bike key all they taken from me….
    I couldn’t run away, I couldn’t call him, I couldn’t try to suicide also..
    I cried a lot lot means lot like hell..
    now my parents broke my marriage and saying me to do job as u want and stay happy n then get married as u wish..

    what should I do????????????
    arey m I toy or what???
    how should I stay happy…??
    I miss him plz tel me plz help me plz plz plz plz plz..
    I am in dipression n going from very bad phase.
    this emptiness in my life is killing me every moment.

    #15394

    mehrunnisa.azad.k
    Participant

    Hey, I’m really sorry to hear about the difficult time you’re facing.

    I understand that you must be going through a lot, as you’re dealing with quite a disturbing situation. Unfortunately in our culture (I’m talking about India and Pakistan, both – as I am a Pakistani), the concept of dowry and pressurizing girls’ parents for money is an issue that isn’t shown much resistance to. Even educated and literate parents buckle under such pressures, as somehow or the other it is deeply ingrained in our psyches that girls are inevitably a “burden” and the parents must show their daughter’s husband and in-laws that they are extremely grateful and indebted to them about the fact that they have managed to somehow “accept” the girl in their family.

    First of all, you must realize one thing. You cannot depend on anyone for your happiness. No one. Not your parents. Not your husband. Not your friends. You’re an educated, career-oriented girl who must realize this that every individual is responsible for his/her own happiness and whenever a situation/crisis arises, you have two options:

    1. Find happiness and positivity in the present circumstances
    Or
    2. Have the willpower and the mental capacity to alter the situation in a manner that allows you to be happy.

    My honest and sincere advice to you is to take control of the present situation. You should be strong enough to realize that even in a marriage, “love” and “emotional dependence” aren’t the only reasons that keep it going. You’ve pointed out numerous bad qualities in the boy that you were scheduled to get married to. I’ll repeat a few of them:

    1. His family wanted your family to provide them with dowry,
    2. He and his family weren’t open minded enough to accept you as you are, instead were regressive enough to prohibit you from working,
    3. He was dominating and controlling to the extent that he wouldn’t allow you to wear the kind of clothes you wanted to, he would want you to inform him whenever you’d want to leave your house, he would ask you to whatsapp him pictures of yourself whenever you’d be out of the house, etc.
    4. He would often say offensive things to you and would treat you badly.

    I’ve noted down my sincerest advice to you, please do not take offence to anything I’m about to state.

    Firstly, the dowry issue is something that should have made you put your foot down. It’s an extremely demeaning custom that educated people should actively fight against and shouldn’t even give it a second thought. Aamir Khan has done an absolutely wonderful job in one episode of his show “Satyamev Jayate” that addresses the issue of dowry. I’m pasting the link here. Kindly watch this video.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqlzA8MwZBg

    Secondly, if you were raised by your parents to follow your mind (which I totally agree with), I don’t understand why you would mould yourself to fit into this boy’s regressive criteria of how he wants his wife to behave, what he want his wife to wear, whether she should work or not, etc. He shouldn’t be deciding these things for you, instead he should accept you and love you for who you are and how you want to lead your life. If he isn’t okay with how you want you to lead with your life, clearly he doesn’t love you and instead wants to change you into someone he might be able to love. If educated girls like us refuse to take a stand against this patriarchal mentality of men “controlling” their women, then there’s no difference between us and uneducated, downtrodden girls who are clearly considered by society as a burden. Don’t be blinded by your love for someone who wishes to force you to lead your life in such a regressive way. There is nothing more disrespectful than being okay with a marriage in which your husband doesn’t trust your decisions and makes them for you. And you are being disrespectful to yourself for giving in and allowing them to boss you around.

    Third, all of these incidents happened before you got married. They wanted to control you and your lifestyle even though you weren’t living in their house. These are clear warning signs about how this torture would have only increased had you eventually gotten married and settled into their house. Such a marriage would have never made you happy. You wouldn’t have been able to survive in their house happily if you had to make a compromise at every step along the way.

    Fourth, I would advise you to just let this situation go. Focus on your career and your growth as a person. I’m sure that later on in life, you’ll find someone who will respect you enough to love you and accept you for who you really are. Moreover, I hope next time you’re strong enough to take a stand against the issue of dowry.

    Always remember one thing – you must read this carefully, as this is the most important part of my advice to you – never change for the worse for anyone. If you want, change for the better. My mother dealt with numerous psychological issues and there was a time when she was so engrossed in her clinical depression that she wouldn’t get out of bed for days. My father, who is an extremely strong willed and powerful figure, not only helped her deal with her psychological issues, but he taught her a lot about strength and dealing with challenges in life. Today, my mother is a much stronger individual, all thanks to my father’s support and his strong sense of willingness to fight his own battles, which served an inspiration and motivation for all of us to fight our battles in life instead of resorting to depression. A marriage is supposed to teach you to grow together as individuals, not change for the worse or being forced into making constant adjustments that kill your ability to respect yourself.

    I hope that my advice to you hasn’t offended you in any way. I only wanted to communicate my thoughts and feelings to you honestly. I hope that you find my words helpful in some form, no matter how small the impact they have on your life and this difficult time.

    I’ll pray for you and your happiness. Feel free to reply to this post and I’ll get back to you.

    Thank you,

    Mehr-un-Nisa Azad Kamaluddin
    Lahore, Pakistan

    #15397

    user_saggy
    Participant

    Re: ReplY

    Hi,
    I don’t know whats right n whts wrong going on…
    I am just blank…
    now not having that confidence to decide right n wrong things.
    n realy a BIG THANKS to you to help me to build up my self respect n confidence in me back again..
    act so much questions are ther in ma mind..
    why dis happened to me??
    I never wished any bad thing for anyone then why me??
    M I not deserving to have a simple and happy life stable life?
    M I not deserving to have a loving partner??
    I am not able to study now for my interviews n m not able to concentrate in dat..
    Is this kind of situations every girl should go in ARRENGE marriage??
    all people says dat the days in between your engagement n marriage are the most amazing days most awesome days in whole life…
    but this all not happened with me…
    In this nation…..people will not accept my situation easily…
    who will think to marry a girl whose previous case is like this????
    people will of Corse say “MAY BE THE GIRL WAS NOT GOOD, MAY BE SHE WAS HAVING A BOYFRIEND OR else” “MAYBE there is something wrong in her CHARACTER”
    these questions n many more questions hit in ma mind n I get dipressed again…n again…
    now my behaviour is changed a lot…
    I used to get angry on everyone immediately ..
    I don’t like to listen to ma parents now
    I was very talkative girl before …but now m not even talking to my younger sister n my mother also…
    I used to be quite n sit at one place for hours n hours..
    I didn’t slept at night from 1 month..
    I loved to sing songs n listen to songs..
    now I don’t like to listen n see the music channels also..
    I know this is not good signs …I realy don’t want to be like this… I like to talk to diff people …I like social life… I like to be so bubbly girl…always smiling ….happy girl… I miss myself now…
    I lost myself …..
    I don’t want to be like dis what I am now…
    I also want to move on…….
    but I am not able to….

    waiting for your reply..

    #15400

    mehrunnisa.azad.k
    Participant

    Hey,

    Yaar, there’s no need to thank me :)
    I’m just glad that you read whatever I wrote and managed to reply.

    I know that what you’re going through is a very difficult situation and in such circumstances, one loses the ability to focus on things and it becomes very hard to control one’s emotions.

    Firstly, all of the questions that are arising in your mind about your life are normal and it’s natural to constantly try to find reasons for things like – why things happened the way they did, how could you have prevented them from happening in this manner, don’t you deserve to have a stable, healthy relationship, other peoples’ reactions to this mishap, etc. You must realize that that your reactions are perfectly normal. Any girl in the situation that you are in right now would have reacted in the same manner.

    Let me be honest with you. Thinking about all of these things is completely pointless. Right now, your thoughts are controlling you and they are clouding your judgement. On the other hand, it is also very difficult to NOT think about this situation because you’re in constant pain and it becomes impossible to distract oneself. Why? Because you still haven’t accepted the fact that this has happened. The first step in solving a problem is identifying it. You must work on this first – acceptance. Accept the fact that it’s over and you must move on.

    And, while you’re trying to accept it, how should you try to move on? I’ve enlisted 11 points. Read them very carefully and try to apply them in your life (if they seem appropriate to you).

    1. Things don’t always go according to one’s plan in life. This is the biggest and harshest reality of life. But, one’s truest test of character is making the best with whatever you have on your plate. If you let go of yourself and continue to be depressed about it, you’re only doing further damage and harm to yourself and no one else. Get a grip. Motivate yourself to fight.

    2. Realize and know the fact that you don’t need anyone’s presence in your life to be a happy individual. Never rely or depend on anyone except for your family (that too, minimally), but you must know that eventually, all the issues must be solved by you alone. You can deal with this pain alone and you’ll come out of this gracefully. Keep telling yourself this.

    3. Work hard on your career/degree/anything that you’re good at. It will not only take your mind off this issue, but it will also give you a renewed sense of self confidence and satisfaction from being successful and good in your profession/studies. At first, you won’t be able to concentrate or focus properly. Take a break whenever it becomes difficult, but keep at it. Don’t give up. Keep trying.

    4. What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. Be positive. You’ll see that as you rise out of this grief gradually, you’ll notice how much stronger this will make you and you will have an increased capacity for dealing with various issues and challenges in life.

    5. Go out with friends. Buy new clothes. Dress up. Slap on some make up. Party. Go to a club with friends and dance. Smile. Laugh. Retail therapy helps sometimes. The sooner you resume falling back into your normal lifestyle, the happier and more content you’ll feel. It will take your mind off things. All girls love dressing up, wearing make up, and looking good. I’m sure you do too.

    6. Don’t discuss your issues at lengths with people, especially your friends. You’ll realize in this difficult time who your true friends are, as they would try to be there for you. Some would pretend to be there for you but would only want to derive information out of you just to be able to gossip about you with others. Share minimally with family and friends, but don’t discuss your issues at lengths. It prevents one from moving on.

    7. There will be times when you’ll fall back into brief periods of depression, but you must not indulge in them. Cry a little. Talk to someone who cares. But, after a few minutes or hours, just snap out of it. Force yourself out of it.

    8. Exercise. Exercise causes the release of endorphins that are “feel good” hormones. I’m saying this from personal experience. Join a gym and start exercising regularly. Become a fitness freak. Not only will you start looking healthier and prettier (it makes one’s skin glow), but it will also give you a sort of a “natural high” which will make you feel better.

    9. It’s next to impossible to be grateful for the things you have during this difficult time, but try to. People face much bigger issues in life. Try to appreciate the things you have that you might be taking for granted. Just to give you an example, I’ve been through 5 miscarriages (FYI – I’m only 27 years old) and the last one resulted in profuse, uncontrollable bleeding because of which they had to surgically remove my uterus. I cannot become a mother again. People have much bigger issues in life. You should thank god that he tested you in a way that you can and will manage, just like I did.

    10. Have hope for a better future and pray (if you believe in God, that is). It will give you peace. One day, when you’re successful in your career or happily married to a man who cares about you and respects you for who you really are, you’ll look back at this time and actually thank God and the people who were responsible for putting you through this difficult time, because this incident will the reason for your future success in life.

    11. Do something good for a poor, downtrodden person. Whenever I go through a trial or tribulation, I do something good for humanity. It gives me tremendous peace. It can be something as small as donating a small amount of money or clothes to an orphanage to something as big as trying to help fund a kid’s education at a public school.

    Please don’t let yourself get bogged down in this period. Rise to the occasion. Fight. Let this difficult time push you and drive you to do well.

    Take care babe,
    I’ve prayed for you and I hope you’ll find this helpful.

    Love,

    Mehr-un-Nisa Azad Kamaluddin
    Lahore, Pakistan
    *big huge from me*


    sorry, i meant – *hug*

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