I want to be happy again…

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    Hello. I am going to start my story with setting things in context first. So,I am a 24 year old female, i live in a conservative society and country where it’s wrong to have intimate physical relationships with someone, involving kissing. A lot of people don’t care about that and do it in secret either way. I was raised by a very conservative and religious family and an overprotective and scary father. Basically as a girl i was brought up by fear more than respect for him. I am not an only child, i am the third girl among four daughters. My mother was good to us but was scared of my dad getting mad all the time, which only helped increase my fear of him. He is not a bad person,we still love him but he’s just hard to live with.
    My story begins with me hitting the age of 18. I had low self-esteem and needed desperately to feel good about myself and to be free at last. I was acquainted with a guy on social media and we kinda got along, he claimed he fell in love with me in a matter of a couple of days,even though we haven’t seen each other yet(only photos). I didn’t know what to think of that,but i didn’t think he was lying. We agreed to get to know each other and meet, so we did that and it was good, i had my doubts about him because he didn’t exactly fit my expectations,but he still was really nice to me and looked like he was really into me,which made me feel good. After a couple of months i ended up falling for him and we started going out. It felt great feeling loved and i felt so happy and my self-esteem got better. After a while, things got a bit out of hand, i found myself doing things i never thought i allowed myself to do, we got physically intimate but we didn’t have sex. It was like “second base” or a little bit more than that.I don’t know if it was my way of breaking free, but it felt right at the time cause it felt like he was the one and we were planning our married future life together. After a while i began experiencing some feelings of guilt towards what we did, and i decided to stop doing those things after talking to him about it. But every time an occasion arises for stuff to happen he kept suggesting to do things,which made me just uncomfortable and irritated. Sometimes we got back to doing those things and I’d only end up regretting them. During my second year with him, i started feeling bored and i started noticing and being attracted to other people(especially a close friend of mine). It made me feel so bad and guilty cause he was a nice a guy and it felt so unfair to him. I thought about breaking up with him but he convinced me not to and i stayed with him for one and half year until i decided I didn’t love him anymore and i couldn’t stay in that relationship with him. I might have stayed that long because i did those things with him and i couldn’t leave cause i could never tell my future husband what i did.it was a very long and painful breakup for me and after it i just burried myself in my bed and shut off my brain and kept watching tv shows and series so that i don’t think about the break up,and then i just spent a year alone and happy with that. A year after the break up , my friend (the one i was attracted to when i was with my ex), asked me out, i said no even though I was attracted to him, the problem was that he was a few months younger than me and he was a bit childish,he was more of a boy than a man to me, and i just didn’t want to risk our friendship even though I always felt happy around him. He asked me twice after that and i finally gave him a shot. I wasn’t sure at first and i took every bad thing that happened as a sign that we don’t get along, he was very patient with me and we fell in love after a while and it was great even though the relationship had its ups and downs, but we worked on it together. After 10 months or so, i started feeling guilty for lying to him about my past, it tortured me and i spent a long period of time stressed out and panicking which only made my guilt worse, i was worried that if i told him he would leave me but i couldn’t not tell him. So i finally told him about everything and to my surprise,he was so comprehensive and tolerant and he just kept trying to convince me that i have nothing to feel guilty about, i did what i did cause i thought it was right at the time and now it’s over and i know better. I knew that. But the guilt never left me. I always have this bad feeling inside me, torturing me,like something bad is going to happen to me cause i deserve to punished for my actions. And as if that wasn’t enough, i started having intrusive thoughts about my ex: it’s like every thought in my mind makes a detour to remind me of him or of a memory of us,which just made me uncomfortable and irritated. I kept waiting for those thoughts to stop and go away, it got better after a while but there was always that bad feeling in the background of my mind and a fear of those thoughts getting worse.. And they finally did, a month ago. I tried to chase them away with watching tv series but that didn’t work.I have to precise that i think they get worse with stress,cause i was passing exams for the last month, and even though now they’re over, i still didn’t get better. And this is why i am here, cause now these thoughts are making me a different person, i used to be this happy smiley girl that finds beauty in the smallest blessings of life, and now I’m always worried and doubtful about the future,about my feelings and my relationship with my current boyfriend, I’m always feeling guilty and ashamed, i feel like i don’t deserve to be happy and i don’t deserve my boyfriend. I don’t have dreams anymore to look forward to. I feel like I’m going to be like this for the rest of my life. I even had ideas about killing myself but I don’t think it’s too serious, i think I’m just trying to escape this state of mind that i am in… I don’t know what to do, I am scared that i might screw up my current relationship with my boyfriend and end up alone, lately I’ve been feeling a bit uncomfortable around him but i don’t know if it’s because of him or because I’m just not myself right now. I am so scared of the idea of losing him, but I’m getting more and more convinced by my doubts about our relationship and how much we are not right for each other.. I don’t know if that’s coming from the voice of reason in my mind or just the self-loathing and self-sabotaging part of me that doesn’t seem to want to go away. He’s been so amazingly supportive through all of this. I don’t wanna lose him, i don’t think i can be with anyone else but him. But these doubts are taking over my mind, i even started thinking that maybe those intrusive thoughts about my ex are a sign that i should get back to him,even though i know i don’t love him anymore. I am going crazy and i really need help and i don’t know what to do.. I want to be happy again. I want to save my current relationship. I want to believe that i can get past this and be okay again. PLEASE HELP ME.



    Hi its good that u felt guilty and sorry for urself for what u hav done in the past. It may happened intentionally or unintentionally just forget it as u r awaken from a bad dream. And a bad step u hav taken in ur life which will helped u to learn a lesson and to move forward in life. U hav told everything to ur bf right so u are not cheating anyone. You know that u r really changed so try to live a new life..

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