In the arranged marriage process and frustrated

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    I am a 26 years old woman. I’ve been on a partner search for more than 1.5 yrs now and becoming increasingly frustrated with the whole process. There’s a long background behind this, so do try to bear with me :)

    1. I’m an introvert. Not that I dont talk at all, I do have friends that I’m very comfortable and open with, it just took a while to get there. My main problem is that I’m terrible at small talk with a new person. At a personal level, I take time to open up to people (you know, the getting to know each other part). How do you open up to someone you barely know? Especially when he’s a prospective life partner. I cannot become someone’s best friend instantly.

    I get misunderstood so much because of my introvertedness. I’ve been called dumb, arrogant, snob, anti-social. I’ve been told on appraisals that workwise I’m very good, but I should be more extroverted! Even my parents don’t understand me. That’s the most hurtful part.

    In the arranged marriage situation, I am extremely uncomfortable about not just meeting a stranger as a prospective life partner but also his family.

    2. One of my main criteria for a partner is that I’m looking for a guy who stays independently. The moment I stated this criteria to my own parents, they immediately took it in the wrong way. I’m not saying I want the guy to leave his family. I am simply talking about a living condition. It doesn’t mean deserting them.

    I want this because I’ve never been close to my own family members. My eldest brother had suffered from a major sickness when I was 7 and it took almost 10 yrs of therapy and treatments and my parents’ constant attention there to get to some semblance of normalcy. By then, emotionally, I had become very distant from my parents. I was never much of a sharer. They suddenly realised this when I reached college and became very controlling. Dont go there, don’t do that.

    Then about 3 yrs back they found out about a boyfriend (my sister found out and ratted me out inspite of me begging her not to do so). We had dated for 2 months & had recently broke up mutually. I was still somewhat upset about it. My parents’ reaction? They called me things, called my ex home and called him things. All the while, my feelings were never considered. There’s so much more that happened that time. I felt suicidal for a while. Not because of my break up but because of how my own family members treated me. I am no longer interested in dating/love marriage.

    After all this, I just dread the idea of living with a new family.I do love my own family. But I don’t think I can handle more close quarter drama and misunderstandings.I dont think I have the capability of cultivating a devoted daughter-in-law relationship. Wouldn’t this create problems, if I were to live with in-laws? I think I can keep some normalcy if there was
    some physical distance between me and this new family.

    I am constantly confused about this criteria. My parents as usual don’t understand my doubts and always fight with me whenever I reject a guy who is living with his parents.

    The most frequently seen desired quality for a bride? “Family oriented”.

    Also, how do I explain all this to a prospective partner? I do want a husband, love and kids, I want to be a mother so much. But how the hell do I get past initial awkwardness, parents desire for a family oriented bride for their son and sons who find suggestions/hint for independence an insult?

    I hope Prachi or someone can help me make sense of all this. Please.

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