Instability in Career and Life…

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    I am Madhu. working in a IT company. I would like to share my issues and my mistakes. Kindly suggest me something..

    We are middle class family. Father, Mother, one elder sister and younger brother. from my childhood on-wards i am emotionally forced to be a top in the class and school. but I used to be good initially and somehow i used to be down in the class. but at my home my parents and other relatives are still maintaining their feeling that i am always top. due to this i felt too much stress and unable to reveal or share my feelings also to anyone by maintaining a buildup that i am always top. this way i came to 12th class without much interest in studies. for that i joined in a christian missionary college and hostel which is very much disciplined where i am unable to adjust. i wanted to go out of that school at any cost. one day my principal scolded us because we were late (because we went to home for the weekend and returned in that morning with my father) to the prayer and made us to stand out side. So i cried and saying to my father that i will not stay here at all and take me to home. Since i was crying like anything my dad took me to home. after one week my dad took me to collage again and saying apologies and joined me back to that hostel. but everybody was pointing out me that i cried and left on that day. so i decided to leave that hostel so i went to home without informing anybody in the school. i told my parents that principal scolded me again that’s why i came home. my dad took me to that principal and asked about it. she denied it and said that she didn’t even see me anywhere. but i strongly said to her you scolded me. she got angry and she suspended me from school. like that i came out of school and discontinued my +2 in the first year. one year waste. next year i joined in a private junior collage at our home town and maintaining that i was a brilliant student which was wrong. so unfortunately i failed in one subject in 12th class so i wrote instant exam for that subject. meanwhile i have managed to change my mark list with all good marks in other subjects which i passed and gave blank in the failed subject by scratching it. I was not sure my dad believed it or not but he didn’t question me about that and asked me to write the instant exam. then i passed it. but my grade became compartmental since i didn’t pass all in march. after i passed it also i changed all my marks as per the earlier one since i need to maintain that lie. So i changed my total marks from 769 to 950 out of 1000. every body appreciated that i got very good marks even though i passed compartmental.

    This was the biggest mistake i made in my life.
    Then i joined in degree B.Sc in a private collage with that mark list itself. they didn’t verify it much while admission. Everybody was taking more interest on me in teaching subjects knowing my marks but surprised as i was not performing as similar. But during my first year my principal got a doubt and her PA asked about my mark list. i got scared and i didn’t answer any and telling they are my real marks. but they wanted to verify it. So i did a very big mistake again that i ran out of my home and planned to commit suicide. at that time i was having only 50/- in my hand.i wrote a letter to my father saying that i did a big mistake and committing suicide. then i went to a town where there is a seashore near that. but i didn’t have enough money to go by bus to that exact seashore village. so i went to railway track and decided to put my head under train. but i was so scared and couldn’t do it.i kept on walking through railway track and then reached a bus stand. the i got an idea to put my head under any road vehicle like lorry or bus..etc.. so i went on the road but i didn’t get the courage to make myself accident i kept on walking on the high way for so many kilometers hours and hours. i didn’t have money to go back to my home also.

    while walking on the road, one guy saw me and asked why are you walking for a long time where do you want to go.. then i played a drama that some body kidnapped me and i escaped from them and i cried and cried..he trusted and took me to their home. his father told me to call our parents. finally my parents came and took me by believing this biggest lie. so i discontinued my degree saying i felt shame. my parents were already in depression and they didn’t force me in anything. one more year waste. but i always wanted to tell them that i am not interested in studies but unable to tell them.

    then my father wanted me to continue studies and asked me to write engineering entrance. i a very big rank. for that rank i got the seat in a very small private engineering collage. i took the admission there from counselling center and planning to join in few months. Here is a biggest turning point in our family. My dad met with an accident and expired. we left with no hope. i couldn’t join in the collage that year. one more year waste (3 years in total). then i joined in the same college in the next year. they retained admission since it is a private college and they just ignored about my mark list.

    My mother was having a big hope that i can study well and she struggled a lot for my studies. so i studied my very hardly without interest but managed to pass all the subjects and completed hardly with 69%. Then i started job search. fortunately i got a job in a very good software company. but i was not technically very good. i was very poor in communication and i couldn’t even talk in English much at during my joining. so my manager had a very bad impression and he released me from his project. since i was not technically good i was sent to a testing project. there also i was not able to perform well couldn’t mingle with team since i cant communicate that manager also not feeling good about my performance but some how i was in that project around 2 years but i always wanted to move out of that project since i am not interested to work. so i took a sudden leave saying that i met with an accident and release me from the project. after a lot of drama i moved out of that project. then i was placed into other project. there i performed well initially but got an impression that i am not mingling with our and other teams. so there also i was not able to steady since i was facing many issues in project and i was responsible to answer for it. again i wanted to move out of it but i was not finding a reason. like this 4 and half years completed.

    fortunately i got an opportunity in other company with better package. so i resigned there and joined here. but i didn’t get the project in my current location they sent me to Chennai. there i couldn’t understand the people and subject, project any thing. so there also i suddenly informed them i was getting blood vomiting and i got lungs infection, i need a bed rest, so roll off me from the project. some how i managed with a duplicate medical certificate and moved out of the project and came to my current location. Then i got a good project. i did well for a six months. my manager impressed and gave a very good rating and promoted me to team lead. then i got more responsibilities which i was unable to do. to escape from it i took many unplanned leaves saying that i was a diabetic, my health is not well. after so many days i did like this and they fed up, so i told to roll me off from the project. and gradually my performance went down and so may complaints on me. finally they rolled off me by giving worst rating which i didn’t expect. (in our organization if somebody get the worst rating consecutively twice they will be terminated from organization.) then i got a short term project there i performed very well and my manager was very much impressed and also surprised about that rating since i was very good performer but got worst rating. unfortunately that project was over and moved out of it. now i am in to an internal project which has a tough client. again pressure started on me, i am unable to manage the work and again too many complaints on me. So again i wanted to take a roll off from this project. So I took 2 months leave and telling lies that my father was died with an accident and my mom is not well. i asked for roll off or transfer as i need to take care of my mom. but they are yet to decide.
    Also now i am waiting for rating in this year.. not sure who will give the rating this year and what could be.

    Also I always waiting for a time to stop working and stay at home. for this purpose, when i started my job searching i started online chatting with unknowns and making them friends. i wanted to find a guy who is in a good position, so that i can make him love me and marry and stop working OR they can help me to get into good job OR can help financially..what ever..i wanted to stop working. but i got the guys who were expecting only physical relations not more than that as i am not at all good looking (am short, fat and dark). still i myself dragged down due to my sexual desires and had many physical relations also and finally i left myself loosing my virginity and having more than 20 affairs. after so many relations i realized that it will not workout and stopped having affairs.

    a year back i got married, my husband is very poor and having many responsibilities. and he married me by seeing my job and salary only. I told him that i didn’t like this work/project i wanted to take loss of pay for one month, so they will roll off me. but he is not listening and telling me to work at any cost and give him the salary. if i say that i am not at all interested in this job and i want to be a house wife, he was scolding me like anything and saying he married me for my salary only and i have to work for a life time.

    What is my life???? please tell me something. am depressed with my mistakes and sins..

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