This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Harshitha_k 11 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #17560

    Harshitha_k
    Participant

    Hi,
    I’m Harshitha from India and its been 5 years that i got married. I’m from educated family. Father-lecturer and mother -teacher. My husband and me are B.Tech degree holders and both worked in IT company. Now we moved to USA and I have quit my job.

    Reason for my post: Me and my husband are having quarrels because of lack of understanding with each other and different family backgrounds. He is from village and his parents are uneducated. My husband is not happy with my parents as he is looking more love and attachment from them. In my family , we speak little though we have love to each other. we talk very little on phones when ever necessary. But in his family , they talk a lot and more on phones. My father gave enough money as dowry at the time of marriage. Problem started during my pregnancy after 1 year of our marriage where my parents didn’t have the tradition of celebrating baby showers but my in-laws have.
    They asked my father to bear the money for the celebration and after huge quarrels with unhappy faces celebration was done.(money is paid by my father).

    There are lot of such incidents mostly related to money( this is from my point of view). Now my brother is getting married and as sister i want to be in his marriage. My husband is unhappy with my father’s invitation as he didn’t disclose the dowry and money
    to be given to me( Andhra marriage) as a sister.He is reluctant and one more reason is we dont have enough money to travel to India. I was very disappointed the way he speaks to my parents (he strongly fixed in his heart that he doesn’t like them)

    He is not happy with me both in romantic and normal life. As i said earlier i speak very little either with my in-laws or to my parents. I’m a self respected girl and in my view both man and woman are equal( that is the way i was grown up).

    After having baby, I lost interest in romantic life. Most of the time I spend with my son(3 years old).

    When I was pregnant, My husband did many things(even my parents wont look after me like that). I’m not a good cook and he is a foodie. He helps me in cooking in the mornings(mostly curries done by him) when i was doing job as my baby used to cry for milk and he rarely goes to his father. I used to cook in the evenings.

    My Husband complaint on me: I don’t love him, doesn’t cook for him , doesn’t support him ( he asks me on some decisions which i answer to the best of my knowledge-but this answer is vague to him)

    Now i’m staying at home: I cook for him but still he feels i’m not doing anything.
    I’m eating too much as i’m staying at home. I’m not foodie and i dont like Non Veg.
    Because of his pressure , I started eating chicken.

    Please provide help if my parents are wrong and am I wrong at my behavior?
    How should I impress him? Now we both live together just for the sake of our son. He is the only hope.

    #17561

    Swarup
    Participant

    Hi sister, it is not a dowry matter i think but ur husband needs more love and affection from u and ur family. I think ur husband is more talktive person as ur family don’t talk more he feels guity with their behaviour. And another reason may be with ur house maintainance and cooking. As he is cooking from a long time he feels bad for this. So u has to try to make brekfast and dinner , it is not difficult u can learn it frm many books and even frm internet. If u make house hold works instead of ur husband then he will be happy with u.

    #17563

    zulfia
    Participant

    Hi Harshita ,

    By what I can gather from your query is that there is a lot of influence of “others” between the two of you , parents , family , dowry , education , family’s behavior etc etc. Your husband seems to be a caring man , however , probably somewhere he feels that he is not wanted or loved in your family. Marriage is all about a bit of adjustment from BOTH people.

    You can have a dialogue with him about it , communicate with him and both of you’ll should be very transparent with each other as to where the differences lies and where both of you’ll can improve on it…if he feels you talk less, then make an effort to talk more. Instead of quarreling over about each other’s parents and family , TOGETHER work out on how to resolve the forthcoming problem, most families have their own traditions , first BOTH of you’ll decide on what will be your stand on it and accordingly speak to your own families about it. You’ll have to be each other’s support and not be against each other. Be together and do not let these things distance yourself from him.

    All the best

    #20459

    Harshitha_k
    Participant

    Hi HopeNetwork,
    Again I’m losing hope in my marriage because of recent activities. From the above replies , you people tried to convince me that my husband is not greedy and we have to work together to build up good understanding and relationship.

    But I still feel the greediness of money. My father got retired and in- laws and husband wanted money from his PF. Husband didn’t talk with my family for 1 year and didn’t attend the house warming function at my parent’s place. After lots of quarrels, my father gave a land worth 35 lacs. my father insisted the registration on my name because it is my father’s money . This didn’t make him happy as he wanted to register on his name. He keeps pestering me that the land is in my name. Now the new problem is we planned to build a house in the land. Unfortunately, some part of the land is occupied by the local land mafia and they are demanding 4 lacs to get it done. This is already told by my father to my in-laws and husband when discussed giving the land to me. Now my husband and in-laws wanted my father to give the money 4 lacs to that land mafia which is not fair. Since the land is in my name and we planned to construct the house , all the expenses on the land should be born by us. My father is already in huge debt and he cannot spend any more . I’m losing my temper and getting depressed thinking about it all day.
    How people be so greedy of money. My father gave all the money as they requested for dowry. Next, at retirement, he gave the land. And now he wants some more money. I don’t think there is an end to this. My mother also gets retired soon. They will surely ask money. Why should we pay them?? just because we got married to each other?? is this what marriage means???

    Now I hate marriage, I don’t want to be in this relationship. I’m not happy. I’m still living with him just because for my son. He needs a father. I feel like crying . I’m not having an interest in anything . Please help me how to come out from this problem

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