Marriage and sex

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    I have been married for fifteen years and have a kid of nine years. We both were professionally qualified and well placed individuals. Even though we had ups and downs in our carreers , we never was in financial strain or having any shadows in our future. We could achieve our personal milestones in the first five years itself.

    But we had serious issues regarding the sex from the very beginning. She does not like it, some times keep a guilt complex and express as if sexual thought is some sort of shameful. Right from beginning she won the point that my sexual desire is unreasonable. Except couple of days in the first two weeks, we never had physical intimacy more than once in day. Very rarely (four five times )we had it in consecutive days not even once in a week. three/four years after the marriage, when my kid was born, she stopped it for two years. Considering the pregnancy period it will be three years.

    This created a big issue to me. I could not focus on my work. I lost my sleep. I could not sleep even at 3.00 am in the morning. I suffered serious set backs in career. Since I remained loyal to her, I got into lot of fictitious satisfactions online and wasted lot of my time. She was smarter to find me in bad situation online and used it to reiterate her view that I am bad in this aspect. I pushed her for counseling many times and she refused. I involved her mother and few others , she never yielded.

    Then with compulsion and counselling some times she tried to have it but never cared to carry forward. She was hesitant most of the cases. Rarely she started shows interest in the middle for her satisfaction and cut off immediately. These was the period of around two years after the three years break. During this period she insisted that the correct calender for sex is once in a month . She claimed most of her female friends are like that only.

    To be frank , by that time I had lost interested in physical with her totally. Because most of the time I was kind of a loser. I had to propose and tempt her for many days, after refusing it several days one day (may be once in two months) she shows interest but never reciprocate what ever caring I gave, she enjoys passively until her satisfaction. Many occasions she stopped it abruptly, which I could not understand what turns her down. Some caress which works well one-day will not work well next time (always after several weeks). I am an intimate individual I like to caress atleast thirty minutes , never rushed things faster.

    Later it has become a practise that it will be painful for her continuously and it ended up in a stage that we avoid penetration and she got satisfied orally. which I never wanted her to reciprocate as she hates so. Later she decided to stop that , as she had an inferiority complex that she is receiving some thing which she cannot reciprocate. I had no issue with it. Because I never had a complex that I was doing dirty thing by pleasuring her orally, because she is my wife.

    The strains brought me into a stage that I decided to divorce, but wanted to try counseling once more, This time she took seriously and made some efforts . There was a reason for that. By that time I got into an affair which she came to know. I will explain it later.

    This time we tried to do sevral times in a months. Surprisingly we concluded that the pain issue cannot be solved even after nine eight trials in a month. All trails were half way for me, as i have to stop mid way and both sides were unhappy. I concluded that there is some physical or mental issue.

    I do not think that she has an affair and she want to break up. She is bold enough to carry though in that case. Also she knows that I would be glad by a break up if it is initiated by her. Therefore I believe there is some hormone /clinical/physiolical reasons for her lack of sex drive. This might have been there from the begining and mighta have agrevated after pregnancy.

    Fifteen years have gone. I am now mid fourties . most of my life is over.
    The only years I feel happy as a man was during my affair – the girl who saved my life and convinced me that I am a man of virtue and worth physically and mentally. She told me “I never felt any pain in mind or body when i am with you” Most of our meetings were so intimate and we stayed in bed for three/ four hours. Had to stop just because it is time to pack off.She never cursed my wife and was sympathetic only.Insisted me to go to a lady doctor and discuss.

    Now she is married again and we gracefully ended it. She wanted a life with me , but never expressed it because it was impossible.

    Two years passed now . I am back to square one. The feeling that I am “”worthless man” is growing. I never had any physical experience. The first women I touch was my wife. Though because of my desperation I tried paid sex some times, they were horrible and failure. Couple of occasions it was good also. I have a feeling that buying love is a shame and worthless.

    I am not a womanizer , I dont think it is a a good society where people try to look for sex opportunity is every discourses. The institution of marriage is definitely for that , or you can have girl friend. (for me both are same.)

    I cannot divorce and marry again. Divorce means death for me. Our marriage happened in special circumstance. It is an inter-religion marriage and I faced lot of challenges and curses for it. many people stood with us firmly and I cannot let them all down.

    Meanwhile a boy with a mind of women trapped me in chat pretending as a woman. He revealed it later and surprisingly I did not curse him. But respected him.

    I wanted to stop online fantacy world. looks like my world is almost ended.

    I am shameful to comment this. It is really shameful . i cant stop thinking of sex. The desire the more I suppress it raises. Some times it is weird. I had regain all i lost in my carrer during the period of the affair. I am sure will loose everything in couple of years.

    I cant divorce as it is death for me.
    I cant die as I cannot make my son an orphan.

    What do I do.?


    rahul kumar

    Dear Kannandevan;
    I understand what you must be going through. You had patience to be with her for all these years despite too less sex and even after being unsatisfied sexually with her. Even though its common for women sex drive to reduce little bit after having baby but major reduction in sex is found after only 40-45 years for female. I dont understand why she is having pain in sex even after baby. Is your dick exceptionally larger or her vagina is too small? or may be she lacks sexual interest which make sex in-comfortable to her. I think your wife is having some harmonal problems. Kindly visit a Harmon therapy doctor who can check if her estrogen levels are below normal and suggest why is she having this problem. He can also advice some medicines and guide you both to have better sex.

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