July 24, 2013 at 3:17 pm #13418
My Sister is going through turbulent times in her marital relationship with her husband. Its been 2 yrs now and she has a baby of 1 yr. Its basically her mother-in-law who is creating trouble in their relationship. She does not stay with them but whenever she visits them, problems arise. Conditions are such that now my sister’s husband is asking her to leave his place and come back to us. He doesn’t want her nor their son to stay with him. His Mom and dad are planning to shift to his place and stay wid him. His dad is not a trouble at all. My Sister’s husband hardly takes care of her and their son. At times of illness even he doesnt takes them to a doctor. Both of my sister and brother-in-law are highly educated and he is placed at a top position in a firm. My sister is a house wife. Now that her in laws are there with their son at his place, my sister has come back to her parents. She says that her husband does not have any affection or love neither for her nor for their 1 yr old son. My sister is not able to decide as in what to do. She has got frustrated over the continuous irrational behavior of her husband and her mother-in-law. We are a well-to-do family and we can well take care of my sister and her son but we do not want her marital life to end in such a disaster. I am unable to console my sister as in what to do next and how to go about the things.
I hope you help us out in taking some decisions because I really dont want the little child to suffer amidst all these.
Thanks.September 22, 2013 at 11:14 am #15314
Hey Ragi, I am also going through a similar kind of situation. And few months ago I just came to my parents house. I was under constant mental stress and thought things will be fine with time. I wanted to save my marriage and asked my family to talk with my in laws. My family and other relatives tried a lot but matters worsened and my inlaws didn’t let me come back. All my stuff is lying with them till date. We later realised that my in laws were intentionally creating problems for me so that I leave from there and i did the same. My advise to u is if ur sister is still in confusion and not really wanting separation, then she should stay with her husband only. But she needs to be alert, if possible try to take some legal help also. she doesn’t need to be scared of her in laws or anybody else. That’s her house as well and she has full right to stay, if anybody does any physical harm to her, she can call the police. What I mean to say is whenever she moves out of that house, she should know that she is ending all and should pack her bags, should be prepared, be it legal preparedness, mental preparedness or future plan preparedness. She should not leave her stuff behind. She should know her rights and should understand that no one has any right to harm her or throw her out. She should stay and get prepared.September 26, 2013 at 4:43 pm #15324
Thanks Ayesha! Actually things have gone a bit worse since then. My sister ‘s father-in-law has developed a mild prostrate cancer and is under treatment. Docs hope him to be absolutely fine by another a month or so. But now my sister’s mother-in-law has started blaming her for such situations. Though this is insane, still few of my family members are in constant touch with my sister’s in-laws. Her husband is neither responding to her calls nor attempting to call her. We are thinking of taking legal actions but we plan to wait until her father-in-law gets fine. We understand her rights, but as you mentioned, we cant measure the emotional stress that she has gone through so we don’t want to send her back amidst these tensions. We hope everything to get fine but in case its not, then we need to be geared up for the worse.
And you still can send someone from your family or you can go back to collect your stuffs citing usage reasons. There is no one who can stop you from getting back your things. I hope everything gets fine in your life.December 26, 2013 at 9:12 am #15359
I am just too confused about life … I am a 28 yr old married female (married for 2.5 yrs) with my boyfriend whom I dated for a decade before marriage .. an engg + MBA .. have a job & stable income …
Just that all the problems that I am having is from in laws end + somewhere my husband too
2.5 yrs ago when I got married to my husband his family wanted us to wait long coz my husband & his family were financially unstable – so my family got me married and they obviously just got basics like a light mangalsutra etc.. and got us married … I always knew that my husband had to pay off huge debts 10L ( 7 L his edu loan + 3 L loan from other relatives ) …
When ever I visited my in laws post marriage I always bought things and gave them lot of gifts …
Since I come from a background where I have seen high self respect I poured in all money that I received in marriage gifts – about 50K and gave it to my husband to retun to his relatives while the loan EMI was on …. After about 2 months I got to save another 50K and again handed it over so that the relatives loan could be paid (1L in total) . At that time my husbands EMI shot up from 5k to 15k and we could not afford the difference , when we asked my in-laws for help they said they weren’t in a position to spare any , so my parents cleared my husbands educational loan – On visit to a relatives place I realized that the 1 L that was supposed to be returned to a relative was never returned . that’s where the first jolt of my life came in … I fought with my husband and got it cleared that his parents had never paid the money and I asked for it back (which they returned) post which I was still in talking terms with my in-laws , though not very positive . In last festive season I went to there home and was not treated with enough respect which made me feel low – but I did not say anything to them since I always indented to be with them …
Post I got to know about that 1L , I & my husband have always been fighting over small things …. Basically leading a disrupted life …
In the mean while we saved some money and bought a tiny flat , My in-laws didn’t like and did not attend the pooja for the flat… with great effort we were making out two ends meet without asking for help from anyone and obviously – there were professional turmoils too … which are a part of life !! Yet I was in taking terms with them…
This march my father in law called and yelled at me basically telling us that we haven’t sent them any money which is supposed to be our responsibility – so we started sending them 5k per month as a reward of having a son (felt like killing myself bec of the gender I was born in ) . Post which I told my husband that I will never want to talk to them or see them , which he agreed . We led a peaceful life till the time my husband admitted that he was also involved in the 1L that was not given to the relatives – I was shocked and shattered – My parents are aware of all the incidents and have always advised me to ignore , adjust and understand (I never understood why ???) Post this my parents made me understand that he has accepted things himself so I must forgive him (Wow !!) . Had no option had to move on … so I did forgive him …
My mother in law was always working anf my father in law also got a good job in june both together make about 60k a month + 5k reward of having a son … my husbands younger sis is studying – doing law and gets in touch with us only when she needs money .But they have never asked us to stop sending them money
This festive season as decided we did not go and my mother in law called my mother and lied that they didn’t know why I wasn’t talking to them and my husband has suggested that she talks to my mom … my mom did not reply her and just told me this happened , when I told my husband and he checked with my mother in law she said it but did not say that her son asked to check tell my mom … another huge fight between us …
Later when all that settled (when we stopped talking about it) we were happy again … No one from my in-laws side felt guilty or were persuading my husband that they want to make things right … basically
Now my husband has moved to a town where many of his relatives are there and my sis-in-law is also here … though this location is much better than any other location (professionally) I am feeling scared to live here , my sis-in-law has already stayed with us for a day and my in-laws now intend to makes things ok with me … Obviously my husband also wants things to be less heated so he also supporting them …
I honestly feel scared and was expecting this coz now I am in a tow which they come regularly and my sis-in-law is also here so they would obvious want this to patch us … in all this my husbands and my fights have restarted and I yelled on my mom … she being very egoistic has said that she will have minimal communication with my in-laws and talks rudely to me …
I feel stuck – my parents have never shown that I am right and I need to stand up for my self , and now my mom has also started behaving rudely – so I have no home …
My husband intends to patch up with his family despite all injustice that was done to me and all selfishness that they have exhibited – so I don’t trust him
What do I do … I know I have chosen a wrong person … whats the way ahead … he will not divorce me …. I can run away to an unknown place and not get in touch with anyone I know or die …. But I want to live … I am so confused …December 27, 2013 at 12:50 pm #15360
Just like you, even my sister was facing the same issues from her husband and in-laws. She came back to our place past 6 months from now.
Until the last month, she was determined to file a divorce and get things done asap. But as time passed by, she now feels to give her husband and in-laws a second chance.
Issues in marriages are bound to happen. There has never been a married couple on this earth, who wouldn’t be having differences. Be it be a love or arranged marriage, issues crop up once you start staying together and getting know each other more practically.
Everyone deserves a second chance. I am sure you would be feeling as if things are falling too apart at your end. But if you give this thing a bit of time, you will realize that this might not be that worse as you are felling it right now. Time heals ! and Things Change ! Nothing is constant.
Even if my sister was staying alone with her husband, her mom-in-law had utmost influence in their lives which caused too much of disturbances at their end. My bro-in-law even supported his mom without caring for my sister and their 1 yr old baby. To add onto this, her father-in-law fell ill, to which my sister was blamed…which was too much for her to leave her husband’s place and come back to us.
I understand that your Mom is not supporting you. It might be that she was not fine with your idea of getting married to that guy. But now that, you are already married so you need to make a stand and place for yourself. Its very rare, where you find guys supporting their wives instead of their parents. No matter how worse their parents might be, but parents are always parents.
Keeping aside all turmoils and anguishes, You need to first understand that whether you love your husband or not? Whether you want to stay with him or not? Will you be happy getting old with him or not? If the answer is ‘Yes’ then you have your way ahead. Getting to an unknown place is not a solution rather it will increase complications. Of course your husband might get worried for you, but your in-laws would get another opportunity to blame you, complain about it to ur husband and your parents. This will again loosen the trust they have on you.
What you can do is, try to stay away from your in-laws place and any of your relatives. But do maintain phone communications with them at least in front of your husband, so that he gets assured that you don’t hate them any way. Do not ever ever complain about your in-laws to your husband. This will cause too much of disturbances in ur marital life and your husband would not listen to you either. Whatever complains griefs, you have, do not keep it to urself, definitely tell all that but to a trusted friend of yours. You will have peace of mind. Talking your heart out to a friend makes you moving forward. Regarding the finances, now stop financing your in-laws and relatives from your and your parents pocket. Let your husband do that it needs to. You have done your part and you can do more by saving on your spouse’s money. Rest as of now, don’t take the pain of deciding where the finances should go. tell your husband that you’are fine with his decisions as in where he wants to spend money but at least he should give you the household monthly expenses. If you are well qualified for a job, then as of now the best thing is to take up a job. First it would give help you in building confidence over your finance independence. Second you wouldn’t have much time to worry about all these and you might get a good friends circle away from all these tensions. Third, as you would be working outside, your relatives and in-laws can hardly meet you then in weekdays except on weeknds and on Weeknds, you can plan out some outings with your husband. Hence, handle the current situation patiently. Remember tough times do not last long. Later on you can tell about all the situations to your parents and when they see you solely handling things at your end, they will definitely support you and your later decisions.
As of now, talk to your husband about that you feel, without being in complaining mode about your in-laws. You said you have been in a relationship with him past a decade, hence in that case he knows you and will understand. In case not, then take the wagon in your hands. After all its your family and relationships. Do whatever you can to sustain it and be patient. Best wishes.January 13, 2014 at 8:26 pm #15364
This is prateek . It’s 3 yr of my marriage and is going through hell in last 2 months . This is love marriage .( Background ) my wife and me were friends in the same company where we nice buddies and cared for each other . I was in US and came back where she proposed me to get married as I was looking for girls at my end . I always felt protective for her as she doesn’t have mother who had passed away 5 yrs back . She told that her mother was the only one whom she use to speak emotionally or anything . We dated for 8 months and after her proposal I also start feeling for her as we were good friends and got married where I always knew she is strong headed and private person ,looks for class of people and ambitious . I told her once that I don’t think it should be right time to get married but she said today or never . Just in being loosing her we got married . But we faced couple of instances where we fought terribly .
Current situation: we live with my parents and she always complained abt her privacy and space, where use to have arguments on it . She has a good big house wheas it not with me bt we had mixed times . Last two months we fought over the future of our lives . Ideally we were planning for a kid this year which was her plan too . We fought in last month very spontaneously over her disobedience , lack of care, where she got low and drained and told me things are not working well .
After that I told her and assured her that will take of the things which has gone wrong , bt she lied to me once and things were broken out in the family now . On my repetitive attempts to convince her for better future and life she dreamt of she is unwilling to settle with me . I love her bt she says she is out of love with me , no attractions and drained out of fights . We used arguments bt she is constantly accusing me and not agreeing on her part faults at all . Sometimes she connects and smiles doing my regular , smetime cook and arrange things , even jog .She evn kept kissing me to show her affection but one day I asked her to tell how we can make it good for ourselves in marriage where at least lemme knw if she thinks of being a mother after sometime or next yr
I dont knw wat happen she surprisingly said she needs split .My parents are equally helping us to get together by love . She is either emotionally drained or practically fooling me by not forcing herself for family and wanted to shift . I love her very much and don’t wanna loose her . She looks angry sometime cool and vn I talk she again get very angry . I can’t loose her . Tell me wat can be done to prevent a divorce
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