- February 23, 2014 at 6:53 pm #13613
since my early childhood thoughts get to my mind that i am great,you can achieve anything,etc.on seeing beautiful girls,my thoughts tell me that they are thinking about you,they are feeling that you are very smart,they love you,etc.just a small achievement brings thoughts of achievement out of proportion to it.others think big of me but not of my parents.i used to feel guilty to be shown along with my parents especially to beautiful girls who are above my social status.i even used to chide my parents because of the growing inner frustation in presence of the girls.with these thoughts,i grew up.except these,i was excellent in memory,studies,intelligence etc.i even used to top in the class.only these type thoughts were abnormal in me.but i never thought that everyother person thinks of me.only those who are superior to me.if a group were chitchatting,i never thought that they are discussing in open about me.these thoughts were not under my control.i couldnot control with the best of my effort.i grew to puberty.during preparation for one of the entrance test all of a sudden i observed that my intelligence is going subnormal and iam not able to memorize studies as previously.this lasted for a few months.i became normal.i came across a psychology test.from then onwards i came to know that the above mentioned thoughts were wrong.i began to control them.i was and am successful except the out of proportion thoughts on achieving.later on i joined a professional course.gradually i felt the behavior of my fellow students strange.i was atracted to a girl.i felt that students are divided over whom i should love.different groups of students were in support of different girls.i could not understand what was going on.the different groups of students used to make me inclined towards different girls.one entire religious community supported one girl.there were strong evidences,though awkward.if i speak any thing about these,i was called mad.my parents also got different to me.they also supported(by means which could be understood only by conscience) a girl whom i not liked.one day i got to know that any one can induce thoughts in me.i and my father were watching television.a advertisement displaying mamatha kulkarni actress was being shown.it was shown many times previously also.my father moved a chair while the ad was being shown.i was seeing the ad with the intention of masturbating with thoughts of mamatha kulkarni.later while masturbating when i wanted to recollect the actress,i could not get her image.intstead my mother’s image was coming.and also many times i observed that my father used to make sound of a door if i keep for a long time in bathroom.due to these ,i was not able to masturbate with full satisfaction and at times erections were also not proper.later i thought that there was some communication means between individuals other than formal language.later i got very strange thoughts about my loved girl due o which i behaved improperly.i noticed that i was referenced in news papers and media.my love story is being shown in movies.it became a constant thought in me from then onwards that other people are constantly observing me and communicated about my actions.my fellow students used to reveal me my own thoughts which except are not known to others.i realised that in someway my thoughts are being revealed to them.or that those thoghts were not mine and induced by them.later on i got thoughts through movies that i am being hinted to become primeminister and national leaders were keen to make me prime minister because of my qualities and intelligence.not only my thoughts even people began playing self ascribed roles of different leaders.i have to behave separately with persons imagining themselves as different leaders and different actors/actresses.they used to behave like them infront of me(by means of their dress and dress colour,pointing fingers,walking style,talking style etc).when i behaved wrongly not according to their imagined role,they noncooperated with me.gradually my every thought and action were shouted outside on the roads(they donot see what i am doing).my studies and intelligence declined below average and i could not even get single digit.my parents realised that there is something wrong with me (but they were also imagining themselves as others and behaving just like outside people)and wanted to take me to a psychiatrist.i refused.i told them that as all of you were behaving like this, i have become different.at last i obliged.i am taking treatment now also since 14 years.but still i feel that many of my thoughts are not mine(means that the thoughts are mine itself but i cannot act on them as they are being imagined by others as their own). i could not get rid of feeling that i am special.though i cannot become prime minister,i stll have a craving for it.i want to get rid of it.i donot want to think of this nation and suffering people.i just want to concentrate on myself and my family.still the people outside are shouting about my thoughts and actions.(its true,its not my hallucination. you can even record their voice.) i want to get rid of this.i want to just live a peaceful life with a range which just includes my family.i donot think modifying the psychiatric treatment or increasing dosage will solve my problem.there must be some solution.can other forms like homeopathy,hypnosis,CBT help me.those reading this thread,please show me a way.i know i am a psychiatric patient.but i donot think every thing i experienced is due to psychosis.help me
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