Need advice (n love with an older man)

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    I am 24years old. In my graduation years i fell in love with a person who is much much elder to me (he is 40) and was already married. Everything was going great and we had probably the most special and pure relationship until I went to another city for an internship and he started doubting me.. i kept trying to explain myself but i never succeeded and all the conversations ended up with an ugly argument. At somepoint i actually cheated on him with another guy i met at a friend’s wedding. I didnt really fall in love with this other person but i felt attracted towards him. A few month later my boyfriend figured that something is wrong and i mentioned the other guy. I tried but i could never confess the whole truth to him because i feared that he would leave me. In turn my bf dug up a few things and kept forcing me to tell him all the details. He was also mentally unwell that whole time. He was getting anxiety attacks and he would hit himself and cry for hours. He would not sleep nor eat and drink/ smoke heavily. His state used to frighten me more and more each time i tried to tell him everything while he begged for the whole truth. I ended up stretching it and told him everything after 1.5 years later. My fear of loosing him and not telling him everything at once, killed something inside him he says. he says he loves me immensely, but he refuses to come back to me. He has been telling me for a long time that i screwd it all up. That he was planning to leave his wife and come for me but now he doesnt feel the same. But he loves me. This whole phase of trying to reach out to him and get back together and failing each time (2 years) has left me with a feeling of guilt that i ruined everything and i cant seem to forgive myself for it. I have completely stopped being social for i think that was one of the reasons why i drifted away from him. I dont have any friends and even my bf refuses to speak to me about my problems now. I feel frustrated and sometimes get very suicidal thoughts.

    I also still hope that he would come back and i keep waiting for him even when he tells me he is not sure if he would come. He says if he starts feeling like his old self he would surely come. Also few of my close friends think that he was still with his wife all the while he was dating me(3 years) and he is still with her. I refuse to believe them but times i wonder why is he still with his wife and not alone.. I cant seem to be able to move on with my life or do anything that ever interested me. I am extremely heartbroken and have given up on life and i dont know what to do. I keep trying to get him back because i still see some hope. And because i screwd it all up, i dont want to regret years later for not waiting or trying enough. I knwo i wont be able to be this close to anyone else. And i feel angry towards him for not trying to build back. I really love him more than anyone. I keep crying all night.. always wake up tired and sad. Sometimes behave abnormally also.
    Please advice me what i must do.

    mail me at: [email protected]



    Hi Oonacharlie

    It seems to me that you have been as usual “swept off your feet” as this guy seemed all nice and mature and trust me girls do fall in love who is that old.
    But after reading your query it seems that the guy was temporarily bored of his marriage and wanted something fun in his life so he started dating you and may be even fell in love with you for a short while, BUT you are too young for him and for some moments of fun he will not leave his well settled family and start over with you, this you have to accept no matter what.

    Trust me when I say this a guy who really loves you will never blame you for anything that happens in the relationship for him it will be ajoint effort not the mistake of one person and also a person who loves you will not doubt you at all even if you stab in the back that is what love is.
    This man seems to me as someone who is bored of his normal life and finds his outlet in smoking and drinking and may be you for a while.

    And think about this would it have been practical for someone so young as you who has so many things to do explore and grow in her life to marry a guy who cant even be loyal to his wife and family.

    If he really loved you he would have come by now

    You might have heard this a lot BUT its time to move on, accept this fact consciously that he is not going to come back and remember you have done nothing wrong here even when you cheated on him with another guy, if he really loved you he would have never doubted you in the first place.
    Dont blame yourself for whatever he got into like smoking drinking, YOU ARE NOT AT FAULT.

    I would advice you please visit a shrink or a psychologist to help you move on dont think they are only for mad people therapists are for anyone who gets into something they find dfclt to get out of.

    Please move on and do something to improve your life may be even join some spiritual yoga or something for peace of mind but move on and let him go out of your life and mind

    best of luck

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