July 18, 2015 at 4:26 pm #18253
I am a happily married woman. I have a male best friend who I am now in a long distance friendship with. Its purely and only platonic, and even my husband knows about our friendship very well. The problem is that now my friend has got a new female friend in his life, whom he texts all the time and she seems to be a girl he would be interested in, but he hasnt spoken to me about it. Infact he hides his level of friendship with her from me, because he knows I wont handle it well. When i spoke to him about it he told me i should give him space (which is absoluteky correct) This is making me extremely angry and insecure and possessive. Its not that he and I have changed, or that he does not tell me things or viceversa, but just the thought of her in his life is driving me insane. I have started checking social medi to know whether they are online at the same time etc and this is so not me. I dont know how to deal with this problem and its creating havoc in my mind and iv started having panic attacks when I see them online together etc. Background-I am currently u employed after a long period of working so have nothing to do all day. I know what I feel and what I do is wrong, I need to know how to overcome the obsessive social stalking and making myself miserable about it. Please help.July 19, 2015 at 4:53 pm #18261
Stop demanding that he should give u all his time and attention because thats practically not possible. Even if he is developing feelings for that girl that doesnt prove that he considers u less or ignoring you. He has a power of choice and free will that everybody has and dont expect him to feel exactly the same way for u as u feel for him beacuse everbody has a different thought process and so feelings towards the same situation. Interacting with him is one way to feel happy and satisfied. There are so many other options for feeling reasonably happy like try to find more friends like him, pursue any kind of activity that u find absorbing, regular exercise , yoga, meet ur exsiting friends, etcetra etcetra. Psychologically Its not his hiding things thats making u insecure and angry but its ur own demand about it thats causing ur disturbance. Keep ur demand to a preference and respect his right to hide things without damning him.July 19, 2015 at 10:35 pm #18263SwarupParticipant
Hi , first of all u told that u both are good frds then there will no such a big problem for u with his gf. Ya it would be difficult feeling alone without frd but being jealous is not good for u. Try to talk with him as usually u do. If u think that he is ignoring u then its good for u to make ur mind with ur family. Because he may also have many things to talk with gf know that he can’t tell u now. Be the as same as u are now because change of any other person will not effect u in ur family life.July 20, 2015 at 6:31 pm #18271
Thank you so much swarup and amit.. you are both very very right. This is my issue and I need to tackle it head-on. Cannot rationalise it by deflecting the responsibility on him. Thanks a lot.July 20, 2015 at 8:47 pm #18273Azad JoshiParticipant
Hi, I am have reviewed both the comments from Amit and Swarup and I am expressing my views which may be correct or incorrect as per you or others, As you have told that you are married and your husband also knows about your friendship,
If you are distracted due to less communication between you both and It is noticeable then it can affect your married life which should not be happened. As your friend has got a new GF which his personal matters and you should give him some time or privacy so that he should not mind to talk with you because your possessive behavior.
First of all you should identify the what is your primary concerns in your life, is it your friendship or your married life and how your distracted behavior is affecting this.
Many thing in life we have to let it go like when you married then quantum of love to your family is reduced and some part has diverted to new family at that time your family have allowed this because it was necessary, same will happen when your child will marry, like this now your friend has found a GF and you don’t know the extent of their friendship and you need to give him some space so he can understand the priorities of his life.July 21, 2015 at 6:59 am #18279
Azad you are right.. the problem is that my possessiveness and irrational clinging on to something I am used to. There is no explanation as to why but that has always been a part of my relationships n friendships since I was little. I think now would be a good time to grow up. Its just the feeling of being replaced, or not being needed as much as before, which makes me go haywire. Its ridiculous I know, I realise it while im typing it..I need to condition my thoughts to get out of this vicious cycle of thoughts. Thank u so much for ur suggestions.July 21, 2015 at 2:47 pm #18281
If u talk about the fact its not the lack of attention thats causing ur emotional disturbance but its Your own self-downing about it. So take full responsibility of ur emotions without daming yourself and ur friend and find practical ways to solve this problem like i have already told u. If u dont get ur friends attention then understand it doesnt make u a less of a person. Your own thoughts make u feel low and neglected.July 21, 2015 at 4:38 pm #18282
Its true. The problem lies in my thinking process. The possessiveness has actually been a part of me since childhood..My toys My things etc.. somehow I havent been able to get past it, but now looking at the number of loved ones I have managed to drive away because of this behaviour, it scares me. I have many friends, but I tend to fixate to a few at any given point. And then give my everything to those friends, share evrytn, and then wrongly expect to behave the same way as I do. Which normal people dont. Its the balance which I find difficult to maintain. Which I need to work on. Im glad I can talk about this with you all.July 21, 2015 at 5:16 pm #18283
Yes here i can see a cognitive distortion in your thinking that u can change it and hence change your disturbed feelings. u can get in touch with me at [email protected] for any help.July 22, 2015 at 12:15 am #18294SwarupParticipant
Why do u think that u have lost all that past thing. They are just changed for u. You don’t need any best frd other than ur husband. People will going to change sister according to their situations and time so nobody will going to be with u always other then ur husband and ur family. You are lucky to have such husband and family so give ur time for them then wasting it on other people. Its your life u don’t need to give ur precious time to such people who really don’t care about u. So be happy , take any decision after thinking thrice, everything will happens good for good people.July 22, 2015 at 3:56 pm #18295
Thank u.. for giving me a new perspective about things which are truely important in life. I needed a reality check. Its going to be tough but not impossible to brush off negative thoughts but I know I will get there if I try hard. Thank you so much.
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