This topic contains 3 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  Sameer 1 year, 5 months ago.

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  • #19327

    Anonym
    Participant

    HI All,

    I never thought i would bring it up on a public forum so soon. But now i think i need help. Do not know how many of you have been through the same, or is it a common thing. Whatever it is, i need your valuable suggestions to improve the things going on in my marriage.
    It is not even 2 years since i got married to this girl, my parents selected. She is a very good, loyal and honest girl. A very good daughter in law and actually does everything to keep my parents happy. My mom can actually talk to her very conveniently and so does my dad. A very homely and down to earth girl.
    But the issue is mainly different. I am unable to connect with her. Its not i have not tried. I did, since the day I got married I did try everything. I would not say she is at fault, atleast not 100%. She is completely different from what I wanted & needed in my wife. We did talk about each other’s expectations before marriage too but now nothing seems to be in place and taking shape. I had millions of expectation at the beginning, but it has come down to 10% now. Earlier I even used to express my expectations and desires verbally, but I have stopped doing that entirely. For example, taking a very small thing – English communication skills. Before marriage when we talked or chatted, it seemed descent. I liked the proficiency in English so I asked if she reads novels and books so she said, she does. And it will improve soon. I also believed and proposed that I will work with her improving her skills. But it never happened, even after me trying to improve her skills. And I was shocked to see very recently that she even surfs websites in Hindi (our native language). For many of the readers, this may not seem to be a problem, but as personal choice, it is. My entire group of friends are English speaking (non-hindi speaking). So she does not find or avoid being in their company. So she avoids talking to them or interacting with them. Another similar thing is about physical appearance. I am more of a classy fashionable kind of person and appreciate fashion and latest trends. I believe the women are beautiful internally as well as physically than men irrespective of color and shape. And I believe if god has given the beauty to one, she or he should not hide it. One needs to be presentable. One needs to dress up like an elegant person and must know to carry the self with confidence no matter what he or she is wearing. Coming back to my personal choice, I like my girl to dress up in trendy fashion, carry herself with confidence, be upfront and confident. But she avoids doing any of the above. Initially I thought she is being shy but that is not the case I guess. She avoids experimenting with anything (anything means anything under the sun, be it food, dress, language, thoughts, even sex). Initially I used to bring the latest fashion dresses for her irrespective of their cost. I even brought her dresses from designers from Thailand and Singapore. I do not know how many of you will believe that none of the dresses I have ever purchased, she wore till date. Many of them are even lost (as she says, she can’t find them). I am a fitness freak too, and always wanted to hit the gym together with her, I got her entry in to the cities best gyms, spent thousands of INR to get her registered, but she just stopped going to gym within a week, everytime.
    Now many of the readers would be thinking, I just did the above assuming she will do. Agree! But I a a very calculative person, and so everything I did had her consent. Not once, twice but everytime. I never asked her to do the above all by herself. Infact, I first did things she wanted me to do (I still do), be it the dress she wants me to wear, hairstyle she wants me to cut, shoes she wants me to wear, food she wants me to eat and everything. Initially I gave the above things to her on special occasions, and if there was no occasion, I created the occasions and then gifted her. But till date she has not done anything to fulfil my expectations. Yes, she loves me a lot and it shows in her words. But when it comes to my expectations and desires, she just ignores it. I even told her lately, in the end that more than the body, the dresses turn me on. Regarding the fitness, I told her that weight gain among women is my one of the biggest turn offs. Regarding sexual life, I told her if we do not experiment, it will become difficult to maintain the sexual attraction. Regarding food, I have asked her that if u give me so and so things to eat, I will rather sleep hungry. Infact she has seen me as well getting ill when I eat late or things which I should not be eating. Also almost everytime, if I ask something, she does not even nod or reply back, unless I ask minimum 3 times. If I am unwell, or having pain in my legs or hands or wherever, she does not even offer me the help, and if I ask her to massage (which I ask for seldom), she nods and just ignores later or many times, she just listens and ignores it then and there. (have I given her massages, when and ever she needed? Everyday, she asks me massage her hands, which I do without even questioning).
    For many of the readers these things may seem very small things to bother, but for me these small things are the entries to my heart. These are very small things to which I give importance in my life. To put in simpler terms these are those small doorways to my heart. I even do not wish to have kids with her. I feel sadden whenever I think about all these. And due to all this, I am losing my interest. I do not know how and what will be the future. How her treatment towards me will change in future. And what else can I do so that it gets in her head. Just to mention, in last 1 and half year I have tried each and everything, repeatedly.
    Any help or suggestion or comments from anyone?

    #19330

    Swarup
    Participant

    Hi, its ok u want that ur wife has to live as ur wish. But the thing is everyone will not be having same kind of nature that can be easily changed. You are the kind of person who wants to be trendy and fashionable but may be she is not wanted to be like that. You has to clarify all this things before marrige only and suddenly nobody will going to change their attitude. She may come from the traditional family where she has not learnt all this trendy things that u want. You are having the main problem with her dress sence and physical personality. One thing is good thing that u want that ur wife has to physically fit but the u told about is little bit unfair. Do u think that outer beauty should be exposed to everyone ? Its a wrong thing. U r just comparing ur wife with others who are exposing their body. One thing u should know is real beauty is inner beauty , not what we hav outer in the body. For ur kind many married people r struggling with their wife’s having this kind of character what u r wishing for. And she may fell shy to speak with others so she does not wanted to talk with others. I’m not saying that u r having wrong mind but u should tell all this things to her before marriage only..

    #19340

    khushi singh
    Participant

    Hi,I agree with Swarup to an extent but I too understand what u want out of ur wife. I think u should sit and talk to her clearly regarding ur expectations as its a long journey and without spark it will end up with frustration. Discussing with her will let u know also about why is she hesitant about these things and may be u can help her with that. Try this and let us know what happens

    #19552

    Sameer
    Participant

    Dear friend,

    The gravity of your situation is undeniable. I do see this taking severe turns in the long run.

    The way you have explained your problem, actually is more than enough for me, to answer all questions I thought I would ask you for more details. The way you have gone in details, does describes the pain of helplessness , you are going through.

    Here is my take.

      Please DO NOT any point of time consider this as a casual statement

    , made by an anonymous member, who is virtually not liable for anything.

    I have seen many such cases before, and in 9 out of 10 such cases (lack of interest, commitment and ‘engagement in relationship’), are the result of purely non commitment.

    The reason ? Is usually see only one. Hold your breath – since this is an arranged marriage, very highly likely she has relationships from past, and they continue till now. It is very disheartening and fearful to even read this, but go on, find the truth first. Your is a very simple case, where you have done anything and everything in terms of pampering her. The only reason she could still behave like non commited and non engaged in a relatinship is her commitments and promises somewhere else. Although on her part too, this is impractical and bring her a lot of pain in years to come, but my friend, for you this can go on for years.

    What is the way out ? The more complicated the problem, the simpler the solution. Do not talk or ask her about what I have typed above, dont even give her clue about the considerations you are going to make about her past relationships. Just dig deep – pull her all phone records, find if she has other sim cards, find her email addresses, do everything to track number of calls / sms made to particular number which is not know to you, dont rely on any info she gives u about such numbers.

    While this effort above can be very discouraging, given the heart and soul you have given to sustain this relationship. but trust me my friend, the sooner you find this out, less the pain.

    My humble request to you again, to not take thi lightly. I have in personal life seen many such cases, and the outcome was shock and disbelief.

    I do personally wish you a happy life. I am right here if you do feel like talking more about it

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