February 14, 2014 at 4:43 pm #13604
Hell, I am even terrified to write this thing, thinking how would people react or what will they think of me or how they’ll judge me. Yes, that’s my problem, I have severe communication problem when it comes to speaking, which affects my life. I am very comfortable when it comes to writing.
The main reason to write this is to express my panic attacks when I speak in public. Among friends I am good on the surface, but I can’t really express my true feelings, and when the moment passes, all those words come crashing my mind, leaving me to think if I could go in past and speak those words.
At first I thought, I have only problem speaking with girls, but later I realised it’s something which is deep in me.
My whole career is at stake here, I have faced numerous failures in interviews. Same thing happens, I get over paniced, to extent that I can’t even breath properly. Initially in interviews I suddenly get this adrenaline rush but eventually I panic even more. This forces me to wrongly answer, improperly answer or not having words to give answers. After interview same thing happens, all the answers and words come crashing in my mind and I wish if I could go in past and change it. This same thing happens everytime I have given an interview.
I usually don’t cry, probably because I drained my eyes out when my mother passed away in my childhood, but sometimes I want to cry but tears won’t come out.
Since my mother died, life was never the same. My family faced horrible times which I don’t want to discuss, but consider, that we never truly got happiness since. Sure we had laughs some days but problems and tension remained.
I have so many personas, almost like split personalities. When home, I am a different person, I can’t even talk properly with my siblings and Father. With friend I am a goofy person who throws funny one liners all the time. In years I have developed a good sense of humour and crack people up here and there. My friends think I am a spoiled boy who gets what he wants from family and has nothing to worry. They don’t have a clue what I really am. And when it comes to speak in public or interviews I am totally other person.
I dominate in any online discussion, as I said I am good when it comes to writing. In real those people can get me any time in oral discussion because I can’t speak properly due to panic attacks.
If you understand the problem I am facing, please respond. Maybe by someone’s opinion who knows what I really am can improve something in me. A single bit would be a success for expressing my feelings for the first time to anyone, virtual or real.
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