October 18, 2014 at 12:54 pm #13865
Okay so here goes.
Im 21.. Have also always been bubbly and childish. Yes very much pampered. Had always wanted a boyfriend and had crazy sexual fantasies. Then there was the time when my sister was planning to get married. Seeing the chaos and the poor probability for suitable grooms and certain statements made by people which shook me completely i decided i wanted to go for love marriage and not risk going into arranged as i considered chances of getting a nice guy in my caste really slim.
In my crazy desperation to find the right guy before its too late, i ended up accepting one of my friend’s proposal(call him X) but made it clear to him that im not sure how long it will proceed because it was a long distance.
Meanwhile another friend of mine(call him Y) who also really liked me proposed. With him it was a like dislike feeling and i did not consider him to match my personality and status. So i just rejected him.
I also used to talk on phone to someone from college i had a huge crush on but he was way too arrogant to ever approach me(call him Z).
After accepting X’s proposal we had our rosy days but i soon realised it was just some normal attraction. I did not really love him. There were times where our communication decreased and he felt bad about it but i felt i wasn’t being given much importance so i decided to break up with him.
Then Z came in and took me out for just a chat about some career options. I had always liked Z. It started with physical attraction but later progressed and otherwise apart from his arrogance he was perfect. After meeting him i couldn’t control the urge to be with him. We kissed and i broke it of with X. It happened all too soon and Z said he was sure about me. I told him all about my confusions and past relations and he thought it was just me being immature(maybe it was). He asked me if i wanted to take it slow. But he said he was sure to get married to me and wanted me to meet his mother. So we told each other’s families about this(not my sister though- i feel she’ll get upset that her love din’t work out and she was forced into arranged and she has been recently married so i din’t want this acceptance by my parents to affect her).
Then he had to pursue further education and we had to seperate for a long distance relationship after just 2 months together. I always have this feeling that im not good enough for Z. I changed a lot and felt like i couldn’t be myself in front of Z. Normally very dominant in nature, with Z i was always submissive. I always had a fear that he would leave me and i’d be left alone. He seemed to have really high expectations out of me. Academically and otherwise.
Then it so happened that for a project me and Y got together. His feelings had never changed. I told him about Z to keep him at bay. But we ended up liking each other a bit too much and staying with each other for the project. In the end we kissed. Not once but on inumerable occasions. We both accepted our love for each other but just avoided the fact that this all constitutes to cheating. I have had regular episodes of feeling guilty for what i have been doing but the lack of strong communication and contact with Z and the extreme love, care and support i have been showered with by Y helped me make excuses for this.
Now i have suddenly realised that the fear of not finding a suitable groom and keeping myself open to relationships which i had never really done earlier, messed my life up in just 6 months. Also to add to this my relationship with Y affected my friendship with close friends to a great extent. All this keeps playing on my mind to the extent that i have literally stopped studying and focussing on my career because i just cannot conecntrate enough. The concentration problems have started ever since i have joined college and gotten exposed to the testosterone filled environment.
Presently im trying to stay away from Y and keep things normal with Z because i don’t know if should tell him and hurt him.
Now i feel like a 2 faced, using, scheming girl who has no control over self, not suitable to be anyone’s mate. I have stopped going out with friends. Stopped socializing. I just stay at home, sleep, watch tv to get distracted and sit for hours thinking about how i ruined my life so easily in 6 months.
My parents have been worried about my academics and more so my behaviour because i no longer bring cheer to the family where once upon a time i could make everyone happy. I just sit gloomily and think about what i have done.
I just pray that the future generation children are counselled about such urges, confusions, etc well before they face them straight off.
I am unable to confide all this in my mom who im sure will be willing to listen considering she has accepted my relationship with Z. I just cant bear to see her dissappointment at what i have become into in this short span of time. I want to better myself but i see no eay oit which is why i decided on just escaping all this by committing suicide. But the thought of what my parents (and everyone who cares about me even after what all i have done) scared me so i then decided against it.
I need to get this out of my system. I want to be back to normal. I want to stop being a confused girl!
Its just me venting out my feelings for lack of any other platform. Feel free to criticize my actions but just don’t judge me by them because before one month of guilt and self pity and 5 months of fickleness i was a normal girl.October 20, 2014 at 5:09 pm #15604
I would really appreciate if any of you could let me know if you have faced such a situation in life and how did you get out of it? Please i need some response from someone! Maybe the admin. Please Prachi help me. What should i do to get out of this and prevent further such issues?November 22, 2014 at 3:18 pm #15655
You really are in a tough spot aren’t you? And I can totally imagine how confused and exasperated you might be feeling. But you know what the good news is? After reading your story I realized that there is actually no irreversible damage. I think you still have a chance to turn things around. All it would take is some re-organizing of thoughts and a lot of self-discipline. But I do think we can make it work. I know I’m a little late in responding but if you still want my help I would really like to talk to you at length. Just drop me a mail at [email protected] and we’ll figure something out.
PrachiNovember 23, 2014 at 10:16 am #15656
Hi you are not the only one who done this still many are they doing the same thing. It’s gud that you understand quickly so live the life once again like a new born…December 2, 2014 at 9:38 am #15661
Make things clear in your mind it will help everyone. Actually things messed by us in every relationship, if I am clear about what I want to do with appropriate viewpoint. Than situation won’t get messed or any confusion.
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