September 23, 2013 at 7:31 am #13466
I am seeking guidance in a very serious issue I am facing.. I am a convent educated boy working in a PSU. Since childhood I have developed an inclination towards soft skills (though I am not possessing any qualifications in the subject). I am very much attached to my family members..so much that I even got my posting changed to a very small place near my hometown.
Post schooling, I did my graduation from Mumbai and then joined a Public Sector Unit. My job is cool, and the workload isn’t much but most of my time is spend in travelling to and from home. But I am not liking the people I work with because of age-gap and also I couldn’t adjust with the lethargic attitude and bad habits such as spitting, abusing etc. Because of this I am not very much happy in my office.My ‘cant say NO’ attitude also leaves me overburdened with other people’s work. But the recessionary environment and family pressure of safe and secure govt. Job and my proximity to my home are creating barriers in leaving the job.
For my marriage, I was shown many proposals from my family members but I didn’t feel Like meeting most of them. The ones I liked and wanted to move forward were turned down due to horoscope issues or my parents finding the girl too modern for them. Offlate my parents started getting desperate since I was not willing to meet the girls I didn’t like through photo/bio-data and they started believing that my age has started limiting my options.
Current Scenerio –
I am a 29 years old engaged to a 25 years old girl from a different state. The girl comes from a lower middle class family, hails from a very small town and have done her studies there only. She is an M.Phil in mathematics and preparing for Phd. I am a Hotel Management Graduate after which I moved on to do MBA and now working in a financial organization.
My engagement is a purely arranged setup starting with one of my aunt liking the girl in a marriage function. I met the girl ( a lecturer in a college)for the first time at my home only. After the first meeting( where we got to talk in isolation for almost an hour) I refused saying that I am not getting positive vibes and, am not impressed with the girl. After that there was some serious rounds of convincing from my family members that the girl is very homely, flexible with her career, hails from a joint family and stuff like that. Though not very excited, I said yes.
While going back, she took my number….she cried and hugged my family members. I found all this a bit too much but my parents were proud that they have found an emotional and loving girl. After that followed few rounds of late night chatting on phone (which I didn’t enjoyed much, since her pronunciations (hindi as well as English) are not proper, and her filmy style talks made me feel very burdened because of ‘’I am completely dependent on you’’ attitude. I realized that we do not share a similar sense of humor. Then there were incidents like she wanting me to confirm her on phone that I have taken my lunch and after that only she will have hers, which made things worse.
After a month or so, I spoke to her regarding the fact that I considered you to be a mature girl and I am not feeling any bonding towards you narrating the few things I didn’t liked about her like- even after a month she didn’t know which Job I am into. She was shocked but promised that she will change the way l like her to be. But in that month I was just too pissed off and didn’t want to continue it. I spoke to my parents, but for each incident I told them, they had a different outlook and they found something good in it. Like my mom said- See, she’s so simple and dedicated that she is even not bothered what job are u into. She’s going to be very adjusting and happy, and will not create unnecessary pressure on you. But such difference are not letting me be her friend and I do not feel like sharing day-happenings with her. I always dream of being with a smart(intellectually) girl from whom I would learn and enjoy being with (Profiles like creative designer/writers/analysists etc. appeal me) But my parents say that I am a simple person with a simple job and such girls will be very demanding and It would be very difficult for me to manage. Such discussions have made me start believing so to some extent.
In short all these discussions have created a lot of confusion for me. I want her to be smart and confident person who knows how to carry herself. But am afraid that In the process I will be destroying her innocence and ‘satisfied with life, happy in small things’ attitude. Sometimes I also feel whether I am imposing my own frustrations on her. Sometimes I feel what If the qualities on which my parents are counting, doesn’t come out that way. She has improved a little bit in these 9 months and we are scheduled to get married in coming 3-4 months, but I am still not feeling the bonding.
Though she is decent looking (not very beautiful though) I do not feel any physical attraction for her. Infact I am not comfortable in coming close to her since I do not like her pungent body odor( I have not discussed this with her as I do not want to break her confidence( I have already discussed many areas of improvement with her). Sometimes she tells me that I should say NO and should look for a better girl, but such things make me feel bad about her.
Saying No would break hearts as she really wants to be with me. We often discuss my confusion with her and with family members, but never get anything out of it. Some say- its too late to say no now. Some say- its your life, decide and move on. I am confused and now even in very high pressure, I just go blank and cant decide.
Moving ahead, and I will remain struggling with rounds of frustrations and Saying No makes me feel guilty as I took so long and being from a small place she might earn a bad name(she has told me this). Please Help me to come out of this mess.
To summarize – Engaged with a girl for over a year now. she is a simple girl from a simple family. She likes me very much, my family likes her very much. But I do not feel any attraction for her. I am sympathetic to her but not excited towards the relationship. Family says, she is an ideal girl who knows how to balance life. I have discussed my confusions with her, and she has left the final decision on me. All our meetings are focused on this discussion only. As of now, I am not excited for her but am afraid that if opt out of relation, what if my parents warnings come true. Please guide.September 24, 2013 at 10:36 am #15320
Hi. I am sorry you had to undergo this. Please donot mind with what I am going to write. These are solely my views. I understand your situation as I am very scared of facing one like this. But, like the parents say, you never know you can always help the girl to learn and grow up the way you would like to see her-smart and confident. Maybe you should try all the possible ways to help her from grooming (so that you avoid the odour)-both physical and mentally, your approach to life, discuss things with her, need not be your day or your work alone, something happening, be a good friend than her partner and then you can help her to learn. Donot ask for a change. Ask yourself end of the day whom would you like to be with? A simple woman waiting for you or a glamorous one? For any relationships to work and for you to feel the vibe, accept her first
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