recovering from rejection

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    i am a 21 year old boy, recently faced a rejection. let me 1st told u my story.
    i am a very reserved type of person having a very few number of friends(2-3). i am took admission in in 2010 after my 12th i usually keep stick to one one or two friends only. having less or no communication to any other classmate. i really feel bad why i am so but i did not enjoy company of persons near by, because they either talk some thing which i think is not good and this creates a bad image of them in my mind. how ever i was good in studies and having a good grasping power but always lacks hard work. in 1st year of we have combined classes of 3 branches(ece, eee, cse) a total of approx 50 students but after that we got separated in individual branches. i was also having problem in remembering face and name of all of them. how ever from 2nd year we were only 20 students and with time i learned the name of all of them and faces too.
    problem started in 3rd year when 2 girls (my classmate) became friend of me. usually i understand topics faster then them (i think that it was the reason to have me as friend). every thing was fine but then i started to talk from one of them (riya) on sms too. i was not first one to start. later on i started to spend my most of my time with her (not individual), we flirt over each other (i have to say i learned flirt due to her) she usually ask questions related to study and i make her clear. in exams of 5th semm condition was that we chat till 2-3 am in night i usually sleep while typing msg and complete it when i wake up in mid.
    she was knowing it very well that how much i like her. i became very sensitive to her. every action of her started effecting me. i want to remain with her every time. one day one of my friend and hostel mate told me “tushar, riya was just willing to change you.” this thing really effect me too and i can’t stop me asking her. and she just told me that we are just friends. every thing was ok. but i became sad. my sadness effects her. she took her as the resign. and stop talking over sms in the hope that i will became away. it make me more sad. the conditions were to bad that people around me start asking me “why i am loosing my health?”
    i start to leaving classes.
    after some time i came to know that one of my friend(ram) is involved with her and he got involved just in April 2013 and he left her. it trigger a cold war between me and him i stop talking him and force him for not leaving her how ever it effects me badly. for a sort period he and riya were again together because of my pressure. then comes summer vacations and this was the time i completely cut contact from riya. during this period i was taking internship so daily i have to travel long distance. during this time if i see a couple in the way then it give the felling of “why i lost her?”. it begin to come very destructive thoughts in my mind. i want to face an serious car accident or some thing simillar to that. thoughts of mass murder start to come in my mind. however i suppress such feeling with in 2 days.
    during this period i call one day to riya as i have b bad dream that he has gone some where on the day of wedding of ram.
    after 2 month when we have to go back to college and i was really feared how will i face all of them.
    i just ignored her for 2 days but can’t stop my self the day he got shick in class. after that she sms me on that day and asked, why i am ignoring her? after some time i became as i was towards her but she took more time then usual to reply and one day i come to know that she was saying in mid of her friends “even she use to reply late i still massage her” on that day i have a fight with her and stop talking to her. after a period of time she start talking me by asking for help in studies and other tasks. and once again we start talking.
    she keeps me tailing that she i having a friend to whom she likes and another friend she is now with.
    then after end of 7th semm she stop talking me(i reallies that she is not interested in talking so i too stop messaging).
    whatever current situation is that i and riya is taking final year internship in same company. we are friends, but i get angry very often and she is effecting me. she don’t tale me reason but she is not with that boy. however 2 day ago she told me that she now likes someone else and want to be in relation with him. after that nothing is normal for me.
    i am really unable to for gate her. and she does not want me in her life.
    due to this i think “why i am so?”.if i would not be so i must be having her with me.
    i am still the same.
    but totally unsatisfied with my thinking ,behavior and look.
    some time i begin to cry with out any strong reason. willingness to death also comes many times.
    i think i have gone mad… however no thought of mass destruction came… now i am much batter than few months back.
    but still why i am so???

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