February 13, 2013 at 6:45 am #13302
I am 24 soon going to be 25 female. I had love cum arrange engagement, which I broke off. As my ex fiance had strange behavior. He loved me but along with that he had his crush on his mind. He used to talk her that and she was still his friend. I could not bare this and broke my engagement 1 and 1/2 year ago. He stays in UK. I went there to study before break up and we had been happy for 6 months. Then I returned India and things got worse and I broke up. I spent money to study just because I had future with him.
Now, after break up I have problem with my mood. I can not be happy for long. I am angry and most of the time cannot explain my self to other. I have developed this mentality that noone understands me. I am not in contact with my more friends and dont go out much. I think that everything reminds me of him and by the time I return home my heart is so heavy I end up crying. Thats the reason I guess I dont go out much. Even on phones I dont talk to friends much as I have only one topic to talk and that is my ex fiance. I have not left that hope that he is not going to be husband. I still think that someday we will marry. We were family friends I had talk to him regarding rethinking, he says that we have trust issues and now family relation is messed up. We had different opinions even while we were engaged.
After break up I have gain weight and in 1 and 1/2 year from normal weight have became obese. I eat more, as in anger, I feel I am subsitizing my anger by eating food. I had become home seek so I had returned India 1 year ago and doing my studies externally. But I dont have move on to the fact that I am not marrying to this guy.
I have issues with my family as well. I think they dont even try to understand me. I had face domestic violence from my dad to my mom in my childhood and till now. This thing had great impact on my thinking about relations. I wonder why they are not divorced. during my break up my parents just informed our communnity and not at all talked or scold my in-laws or my ex fiance regarding the metter. Today it seems like they didnt want to give chance to my relation and they didnt take my side when I needed most. No doubt they broke engagement for me but they even know I was so angry and disappointed that time. I asked them to call my mother-in law to tell the whole issue and that I am not interested in carry this forward. But they directly called communnity and broke. While my dad still talks with my ex father in law. He just didnt want spoil his relation because of me. i feel it is mean because my mother was related to that family not my father. Now me and my mother donot talk to them but my father does.
moreover, I had some bitter past that my boss had tried to force hisself on me. That even had impact on the way I thought. Just like I didnt want to job which are even 1% unsafe in UK while my ex fiance had always forced me to do some, as he and his that friend had done so. He wanted me to become like her in someway.
Now, after studying really good degree I am nowhere. I am so confused most of the time. I dont enjoy anything and just want be in my room and nowhere else. Academically my professors have hinted me many times that I am anxious and I have difficulty in academic writting( as I cant explain my self with words)
Where should I start with?
Is it binge eating, depression, anxiety? I would really be thankful if you can diagnose my condition so that I can work on it. I am paramedic my self. I want to add that it is been hard and harder to sleep. Many times it is scary. I keep thinking. I dont find any reason to live. Tried ending up life but those didnt go well. I get offended if people call me lazy or selfish or most of the time LIER. Which I am not. I dont like people judging me any more. I have vitamin b12 deficiency from long. I take pill prescribed by my family doctor. But sometimes I forget for few day, like while my break up and I started believing that it had changed things for me. Like if I had been regular with my pill I would not have been so depressed to take such decision. I blame myself for this whole mess in life. I myself engaged to this guy and then myself broke up. Really hard to accept and believe. I asked my parents to meet psychologist once, they were not at all supportive.
I have tried to keep diary and write problem But they never end. I tried to even get married. But if I say my mom that yes I am ready now. After 2 days i will be suicidal and so angry have to say that I am not ready at all.
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