relationship help

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  • #13224
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    Dear Prachi,

    I am a married girl, (since 4 years), love marriage. I have known my husband since 9 years now (5 yrs before marriage). I had been in an affair (sexual relation) with my colleague from the time of my marriage (for 1.5 years). He was also married. His wife got to know there was something between us, and she complained to my husband. Both , his wife and my husband only knew there was possibly something, but we convinced them there was nothing (atleast I convinced my husband, though he dint still like the fact that I was close to that guy). I have moved on since then. Now, recently my husband has grown close to his colleague and spends a lot of time alone with her. I have started spying on him and checking his mails, messages etc., which he deletes as soon as he sends! When I asked him about her, he says he gets along with her and she is just a friend. But I have seen him texting her at 5 in the morning, 1 in the night!
    I feel very helpless, and he gets very irritated when I tell him anything about this. He tells me to trust him (as he is sure he can never do anything that is wrong morally), and not say much as I have also done something wrong sometime, and he says he is not doing anything like that, but I feel mentally frustrated. I have started relating things, and I feel what goes around comes around, infact I even apopligised to that girl (text her)! I dont think I can tell my husband the entire truth about my relationship (because I will surely loose him), but I am suffering evry minute and repent a lot for my doings. I cant undo what I have done, but I am not being able to cope with the fact that my husbands goes for work at 12.00 in the night and meets her!! He meets her the whole day, then comes back home and texts her. I dont know how to take all this. I cannot tell him that I know he texts her, because he deletes the messages (I have seen his reports and send items list is deleted). I even went to the extent of spying on him by secretly seeing what he is upto in the bathroom , and he caught me. He said I need psychological help. I do believe him that there is possibly no affair between them, but I dont like the fact that he is not open to me about her. When I told him to tell me everything he does with her, or talks to her about, he says I should give him space, and trust him, that he wont do anything wrong. I am going mad. Please help

    #15142
    Prachi
    Moderator
    Dear Prachi,

    I am a married girl, (since 4 years), love marriage. I have known my husband since 9 years now (5 yrs before marriage). I had been in an affair (sexual relation) with my colleague from the time of my marriage (for 1.5 years). He was also married….

    Dear Ritz,

    Well this is a tricky situation you’ve gotten into! There are two possibilities here the way I see it:
    1. He really is innocent and is just friends with his colleague but your past guilt is making you see things that are not there. Due to this you may be reading too much between the lines and only seeing evidence all around that supports your doubt. Because you know first hand that it IS possible to have an affair with a colleague, you suspect your husband of the same.
    2. He may actually be having an affair and is trying to cover it up the way you did with him. In this case he also has the leverage of using your guilt conscience to make you back off.

    In either case we cannot go ahead with a plan of action until we really know the truth. Your spying and confrontations haven’t revealed anything so how about we try something new? I would suggest you have a heart-to-heart with him one day (let him know that its a totally non-threatening conversation) and tell him that you love him so much that it would break your heart if he got involved with someone else. Promise him that you would trust him and give him his space from now on but also make HIM promise that IF ever there is something between him and someone else, he wouldn’t sneak behind your back. He should come and tell you. Moreover, if ever he feels that there is something lacking in your marriage as a couple, he should feel free to share it and that you woul be willing to work on it with him.

    I think this should make things a little better. I know it would be very difficult for you to keep away from his activities but trust me it would be good for you too. Find a new hobby to take your mind off it. Join a dance class or meditation/zumba or something. Doing something new would give you a new perspective in life too. At the same time, be prepared in case your husband does come up to confess something. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

    I would also suggest that you two explore the possibility of seeing a couples’ therapist together. Believe me it would do you a world of good. If you can tell me the city you live in, I can try and find someone good for you.

    All the best for everything!
    You can always come back to us if you something more to share!

    #15147
    [email protected]
    Participant

    Dear Prachi,

    Thanks for your reply. I have actually spoken to him several times (not confronting him), but it always lands up in a fight, him saying that I should trust him. He says he would never do what I did (he doesnt even know what I did completely), and he is sure he is not doing wrong! But at the same time he hides his messages, why? I have told him if there is nothing then why should he hide? He says he needs space, and keeps assuring there is nothing. This conversation leads us to nowhere. I have seen his email chats (song links including miss you numbers when she is not in town!!) I cant tell him I have seen them, because he doesnt know I have his password, and if he gets to know, he will change it again! He messages her at 6.00 am in the morning, at 11:00 pm in the night!! I cant understand what friendship this is. Even if I were to believe him that there is no affair, I cant take all this and not even talk to him about the chat messages. When I ask him why he has to message at odd times, he says he doesnt (he lies) Why is he lying and doing? What must that girl be thinking about me? That I dont care? Or that my husband is bored of me and he doesnt care? I dont know how to react to all this. I just keep going crazy, as I dont have anything that I can do to solve this. I am already engaged in outdoor activities (i go to gymn) but nothing seems to give me peace.

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