February 1, 2013 at 3:00 am #13295
I am writing in this forum, to acknowledge that I may need help in near coming future months.
I am an Indian lived in US for almost 5 years, before I came to US i had failed to complete my undergrad degree as my mother pushed me to take the subjects which I had no interest in and I obviously zoned out altogether. I decided I should just move away from my parents and finish under graduation. I got a scholarship coz of my 12std grades and currently studying in US.
Coz of the lack of time i had wasted in India without completion of my under grad and according to my mother that i am worthless and aging too fast.My mother who is the most controlling person pressured me and my American boyfriend to get married few years ago. Well the marriage was a failure and I was depressed and i had been seeing therapist in US for a year and half. For almost first six months in therapy, it was about understanding the divorce, the reason cause and stuff and I am sort of over the divorce right now. I am currently even seeing a guy who I have great chemistry.
I am very close in completing my degree and I have 1 semester left and my mum havent had the best relationship after the divorce. The therapist made me understand that she has been controlling and manipulating my life every inch and I am so helpless that when she says jump i just blindly jump. I cant stop it and I have no idea why i do that. After the divorce my mum started to push me to meet other men, which I strongly resisted and the only thing she talked about how old i am getting and I should be married.. Because we both are not on the same page, I just stopped calling her.
Over past month I am in the last semester in my final semester to finish my graduation, I ask her help to cover my tuition fee and she blankly refused to do so. She gives me point black answer that she doesnt have to or not willing to. Anyways… I am going to India, which she practically forced me to choose and quotes Steve Jobs and says no one needs a degree.. i am flipping every inch. One of my essay was selected to be presented in a symposium, which itself is a great honor and I am leaving my whole of 5 years behind and my freedom and going back home, which itself scares me.
I am writing this because, in past few months my therapist and I have worked so hard in understanding my childhood which was very neglected and crappy as I had working parents and a very frustrated mother.
The more I probed into my childhood I realized that I was not meant to be born or rather an unexpected child who took away my parents dream life, indirectly leading them to neglect me as much as possible. I am warm hearted person, and a leo. I love attention and crave for love, and my mother never hugs me or says that she loves me, compares me with any person, makes me feel worthless, never has anything positive to say about me or my idea or anything to me. As a child being deprived of all the emotions as child with a mild ADHD and my mother takes on the role of ‘think for me’ or create a situation that she very well knows I would have no choice but to take her way.
In the past few months my therapist and I are talking about my childhood and I get angry on my mum, like violent rage anger and I have thought about suicide whenever I think about my mother. I dont know why but it just feels like I can never escape from her claws. She doesnt understand me, she thinks I lie to her or FALSEIFY the information, she compares me to everyone and anyone and she lacks empathy, refuses to acknowledge that apart from her stress level I could be going through something worse.
and now I am going back and living under the same roof freaks me out. I have worked with my therapist and made a list that would stick to when I am with my family. However, the more I think about it now, as its like few days to leave, I am having the violent rage again… I keep talking to myself as though she is in front of me and I have this image in my head of stabbing myself and shouting at my mum to die.
The things I am worried about encountering with my mother is her negativity, manipulation, her lack of empathy, her pressures to get me agreed to a marriage, her focus level on money and how great her problems are and how she is being the atlas of the family, her nagging.
I am going to dealing with re trigger of cultural shock, my present life which I gave up because of my mothers absolute impulsivity, my regret of missing out on the opportunity to participate in symposium which would have helped me in getting admittance to phd program, delaying in my graduation and I dont know what else I might encounter…
I am scared to go home, I am sure I am going to die or never be able to come back to US to finish my studies.
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