This topic contains 7 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Amit 2 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #18509

    Deepa
    Participant

    Mine was a arranged marriage in 2002.We have a 8 years old son.
    From the beginning I have always felt that he doesnt love me.Im not sure though.So sweet of him to mention that “Love is a life long commitment and I shall fulfil it”.I now feel Im only a commitment to him.I feel lonely and depressed.I longed for his calls or texts inbetween his routine.He never bothered to.He sticks to his routine and ignores me.I have come to a stage where I do not want to pick his call or text him back anymore.Few years back,he did call me on a daily basis and I somehow felt we didnt have anything to discuss.Then we stopped calling each other.My stress was due to waiting (as I had never been in his priority list).

    He complaints of mosquitoes and makes me sleep along with his mother.When we have visitors ,we sleep in the 2nd bedroom.Due to change of place frequently ,Ive lost my sleep completely.Though it was mentioned several times,he did not take it seriously.My MIL is too old and doesnt bother to ask why we sleep with her.Why should I sleep with him ? (it makes no sense)

    Few years back,I fought frequently trying to express my loneliness.I begged him to be with me and help me come out of this depression.Bottom line of the fights – “its always me who made mistakes!!” From then on I stopped fighting too.

    Every fight was compensated with a vacation(thats the only time he is available to me).He likes to for vacations.He likes to travel.When I dont join them,it doesnt bother him much.He goes with my son and his family.After the vacation,he is back to his routine and im nowhere in his thoughts.

    He has no complaints on me and I wonder Why? I stopped cooking and I never do any house work.I do stuffs only for my son.Still he has nothing to complaint about me and doesnt want to initiate the discussion.

    My mom stays with me and I do not have many relatives in this city.I do not have a home to go for a break.My mom feels helpless!!

    I would like to highlight my problem here.I have been ignored and there is no involvement from my spouse.He says Im the reason for that!

    Will any women like to sleep with her MIL for more than 2 months? I have done that for him.I do not know what more to give up.

    I cannot break up as I do not have sufficient finance to raise my kid as a single mother.

    Please help.

    #18519

    Amit
    Participant

    Though ur husband is not able to give u much time but Here i dont find much wrong with the behaviour of ur husband. U have made so many expectations on him that he is not able to fulfill not even a single one. And to make things worse your retaliating by not doing home work etc. given ur husband never intended to hurt u in the first place but its your own demands thats causing ur emotional turnmoil. The best part of ur husband is that he is mature enough to follow his routine irrespective of the fact how u behave with him. On the other hand u are acting in a moody irrational way and ur frozen by your own demands. Stop demanding his time and understand that being in his company is one way to be happy in life. There are so many other right ways to be happy like following a daily schedule, taking part in phy excersice, yoga, job, hobby, absorbing work etc. Once u concentrate in all these activities and plus respecting ur husband and start by being more loving …then u will automatically find ur husband being more towards u. i can show u a thousand couples that sleep with their MIL or children or family but still they are very happy. So not sleeping together does not cause ur loneliness but its your own crooked demanding though process that is the culprit. But u can change it and hence change ur feelings and ur life and could become more happy. Now u can still play the blame game with ur husband and can bring him to a point where he leaves u or u can choose to develop more self-control and live a fulfilling life.

    #18548

    Deepa
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply Amit.
    I had my control over 12 years now.Im only trying to probe and understand our relationship better.
    Devoting his time atleast little is what I expect.Is that wrong? Is that too many expectations on him?
    When my son was born,I eagerly wanted to see my husband.He never met me.He was happy holding the baby and showing him to others.I waited for 30 min.He never came.Then I requested the doctor to call him.Then he showed up.Even during pregnancy,he ever came along for check ups.Is that normal?
    With the little baby I had waited for long hours longing for him (not for doing house work,just to be with me and baby).He never came.He stuck to his routine and said this is how I am.so many times my son asked why father doesnt turn up home after office whereas all his friends Dads come home.I had managed all that.
    I understand that my emotional expectations hurt me more.He never has any reactions to it which is a warning sign.Last 12 years I had been with him to run the family smoothly.Is it not time for him to be with me atleast now? atleast once?
    Sleeping with my MIL is not a problem.But he does not want any privacy or sex for months together.Is it normal for any man?
    I dont deserve a secondary treatment especially when I have behaved well with his family members.
    He goes for vacations alone with his friends.He travels from Chennai to Pune or Cochin by flight to catch up with his friends.He goes out for dinner with them.I do not stop.I also do the same when I meet my friends.But does he not want to spend little time with me? I want.There is no “want” for him.Thats the problem.
    Even now,at this moment he is with his sister and family enjoying his vacation in Kerala,though he knows that im upset for the last few months and I refused to go.He still went on vacation.This clarifies that he moves on even without me.It doesnt bother him much.I did not stop him too.Let him enjoy.No problem.But spending time with others and ignoring me – Is that normal?
    I might be wrong.Im not justifying my act.
    For every action ,there should be a reaction.If there is no reaction,what do I do?How do I Understand him? I let him do whatever he wants.I do not demand for money,property or jewels.His time for me is not a demand,but a necessity factor for us to hang on.How long can I live alone like this? How long can I console myself ? There might not be a solution for this.Atleast expressing this here in this forum gives me a relief.
    Please advise.

    #18551

    Amit
    Participant

    i understand its very unpleasent and frustrating to see ur husband not giving u the attention u want. We are still not sure why is he behaving that way could be he thinks his ignorance makes him great or he might be upset with ur behaviour or he might be bored of the relationship and wants to spend time out or could be many reasons. Without talking to him it wont be possible to come to a conclusion and the solution of ur problem has got nothing to do with whatever the reason may be. The thing i know whatever he is doing does not make him a bad person. I understand u strongly prefer him to be around but if he is not its his choice and he is not obliged to do what u want him to do.Everbody is different in this world and we cannot expect them to behave in a way thats most convinient to us. Apart from that if u think he is doing a bad behaviour then u are also doing the same by refusing to go on a vacation. The more u reciprocate like this the more ignorant he would become and then more repulsive u become and it would be a vicious cycle. BUt here u have to intervene, take control of ur life and break this vicious cycle into a delicious cycle. U have to show love for him. U have to urself be a part of all his happy moments, ask for sex urself without waiting for him, help him in his routine work etc. Follow this for a month and then see the changes in his behaviour. I am sure u will be amazed by the results. In the beginning he will be the same but soon he will start to change and u will succeed in making the relationship work again. But what i told u in previous post was getting the attention of ur husband is not just the only way to enjoy and feel happy. There are so many other ways to be happy. Apart from this i want u to get involved in activities outside home and not let ur mood dominate over your actions. U have to do right actions all the time with him irrspective of how angry, jeolous , ignored u feel, Only this way u would be able to help urself,….rest depends on u because its just u who can take productive actions for urself like a mature adult.

    #18557

    abhishek
    Participant

    Hi Deepa,
    For some reason i could relate to your post.
    My wife complains of same thing and it’s getting worse with every day. So much so that I do not like talking to her, and we strongly feel that our kid is getting very bad exposure due to our regular verbal fights and shouts!

    My profile: Married for last 3 years, having a year old son. In IT job for last 11 years. Believes in God.
    My Wife’s Profile: Working before marriage, left job due to change of city, could not clear competitive exam in last 2-3 attempts (our relationship definitely was not giving her positive environment, though I personally never wanted to be a hindrance to her study OR her career). Carriers regular 2 times Pooja.

    My Past: Lived in different towns, finally parents settled in Delhi when I reached highschool. Before marriage, worked in different cities across India, covered full length and breadth of India, and also stayed overseas for few years. Hard working and in IT.

    My wife’s past: She was lecturer in a good college, born and brought-up in small city (near a metropolis), with all her relatives nearby. So full 28 years spent in same town. On marriage, she left her job (not that we asked, it was her decision to take care of our new family), left her city, moved to this new city. Hard working and in ARTS.

    We married late in our age groups ( she was 28 and i was 32),it was arranged marriage.
    We live in different city then our parents OR inlaws.

    Anyways coming to the point:
    I feel I am reacting to my wife, similar to, how your husband is reacting to you. Now you both are anyways senior to us , may not be much in age but definitely as a family/unit.

    (may not be fully applicable because each individual is a different personality, also my responses below are summarily written after reading the details mentioned above)
    a. (being very straight) I found my wife attractive however I wanted things to move slow, while she as part of devotion wanted to give her completely to myself, my thoughts were not so pious on those close occasions, so I mostly reciprocated and not initiated.

    b. I wanted her to get herself busy in the new city, join some music class etc… , join me in morning walks, join me in evening TV watching , but due to POINT a, her sleeps were going bad, she use to rise late and so could not join me in my morning walks rather I had to wait for my breakfast and lunch preparation before I leave. Not that i wanted her to prepare everything but she wanted to do everything as an important household duty of newly married wife.
    Point here is: in professional world i need to reach on time in office, it raises my anxiety level if i reach late and after my subordinates and managers. I can only do so on occasions but not regularly.

    c. She wanted to clear some competitive exam, and was not interested in joining a similar job, what she was doing before marriage. Reason was same, better job will have better working hours, more salary , so it will be good for our unit (so her motto was good)
    Point is: for how long you will prepare to clear competitive exam! 1 year, 1.5 years?
    Point a and Point b, anyways were in action, which was effecting our lives. Also due to lack of social circle for her, point a and point b, were effecting her more.

    d. While good point was, we were staying in different city then our parents / or / in laws … we were in rented accommodation.
    While I had lived in rented accommodation most of my 10 years life before marriage, she always had full big house at her disposal. So, I was of the belief to have limited things at home, so that when i have to move, it’s easy for me! She wanted to beautify the house… somehow I was always lacking that interest to put in more stuff in the rented accommodation.
    We changed 3 rented places in 3 years.

    e. Point d , keeping less comforts at home, i wanted to compensate by going out for dinners frequently , OR for long drives frequently! But difference came in … why only walks and drives, what’s wrong with being cosy inside doors … after all we are married
    Many times, my wife came close to me, holding my hand she caressed my hairs, made love with me … but then I could not reciprocate in same manner, for me going out for long drive singing soft sings, OR going for a morning walk together was easy.

    f. She talks a lot! and wanted to get into details of everything, more so on pyschology part! , this area I do not want to go into much details, but prefers to like the person as he or she is…
    I may not be a getting so personal with her, but then I am not demanding… this is what I was after living with roommates before marriage for 14-15 long years. However as she had lived always with family all through-out, there you mix up always, discusses more on your emotional side.

    g. She knows I am caring, and concern. But I do not love her the ways she feels love for me.
    She is an intense person. I am a regular guy who avoids extremes.
    She feels for a husband earning 11 Lac, an iphone of 30 K is ok to buy once, I look more from the point of usage of phone, features of phone, my upper limit is 15K.
    She feels a houseworking women ‘should not’ feel alone if she is married. I feel a job ‘will help’ her build a social circle.

    There are many other times when we had differences, OR somehow we had not the same frequency, she looked for more personal touch and felt rough when I did not reciprocated in that personal way (like by discussing that stuff before going to sleep, holding her hand, trying to explain her things … or walking hand in hand in a park), when she highlighted those things, I preferred not to get into arguments but I tried to keep it low thinking it should not be blown out of proportion, I was anyways dedicated.
    – This happened when we were planning for our first kid
    – This happened when she was pregnant and she asked me, how I will be feeling when our son will be in my arms.
    She could not find that excitement on my face, rather I was more more thoughtful, thinking how we both will manage things, my work-life balance in last 2 years was anyways not suiting US

    She always had some stuff for me , asking my response on some emotional question like how much you love me, how much you will love our son, how did you find me when i wore that red saree.
    I was always lacking in that emotional part, because it was tough to measure, tough to reason. I was more of planning things, either buying or not buying things. Checking the usage of things.

    #18559

    Deepa
    Participant

    Yes Amit
    Every individual is different.
    It’s just that my frustration reached its heights because they moved on even without me.In a way I’m happy that my son is with his cousins spending quality time with them
    My husband goes to office at 8.30 am.He comes back home at 9.40 pm.this is his usual timings.he goes to gym everyday after his office hours.he has dinner only by 9.45pm and then goes out again.I believe he goes to the terrace for walking.I do not have the stamina to join him after my office /home / studies. But if his mom is at home he doesn’t go to the terrace.he just lies down and reads newspaper. I agree.he is not a bad person.he does not have any bad habits. But he is in his own world.But we do not have eye contact or intimacy.this has not bothered him much.There are no conversation between us for long hours.tgis is the usual practise.but he expects me to spend time when he is vacation.i did .I was content that atleast during vacations he was with me. Once we r back he goes back to his routine.i have to wait for next vacation for him to be with me.there is no continuity in our relationship.its on and off.

    It’s just that I’m frustrated .I’m longing and I’m tired.As you advised ,I think I should be busy with my routine and activities.

    I have an awesome son.He keeps me busy.Without him I’m empty.

    #18566

    Amit
    Participant

    Tell me where in the universe it is writtern that a husband should devote time to his wife…? its just that u want him to spend time with u and not he should or he must or he has to. Read this line and try to understand it its a fact. The day u come to terms with facts and give up your self made philosophy or rules u will be happy. Its completely his choice the way he acts and it nowhere means that u are unlovable or he is bad or he is cheating on u or if u try what u want u will fail. So without being demanding just do and try to set up things the way u want and i have told u how to go about it in the last post. Now if u want u can keep on complaining and writing all his bad attitudes or u can choose to take an action to solve it.

    #18567

    Amit
    Participant

    Abhishek u seem to be a very practical person. Thats very good you are always looking logically and resonably then to be emotional. But abhishek there is something called positive emotions like love, like, remorse, sadness, frustration etc. When we have such kind of emotions we take the right action and it adds life to the chores and could be more satisfying. Though i find nothing wrong in ur thought process. Its just that sometimes showing emotions with ur wife will strenthen the bond that u share and u could feel more comfortable.

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