This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Amit Amit 1 year, 10 months ago.

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  • #18511
    Profile photo of Madhavi_Latha
    Madhavi_Latha
    Participant

    Hi, I am Madhavi. Married around 1 and half year back. My husband has 3 younger married sisters having 2 children each. Unfortunately his second sister was expired due to an accident 1 year before our marriage. She has 2 kids aging 6 and 4 years. My husband’s mother was not taking care of those kids and she left home and was staying with her brother’s family till our marriage. Also those 2 kid’s father is very innocent and he cannot take care of the kids alone and his earnings are not enough to run his family alone. So My husband brought those two kids and their father (my husband’s brother in law) from down stairs (they were staying at downstairs of the same home) to his home and taking care of them and the last kid was very close to my husband more than his father and he sleeps, eats, plays together.
    My husband’s first sister was tortured by her husband and she was keep on coming and going home. So my husband frustrated about her issues and he told her to leave her husband and stay with here with her 2 kids. so now she and her 2 kids are also staying along with my husband now. My marriage is an arranged marriage. they didn’t say about this first sister issue and she said that she was with her husband only ..and second sister’s family is at downstairs separately. Also they said they are planning to go for second marriage to his second sister’s husband as well. But after my marriage we came to know that my husband is staying along with his first sister and second sister’s husband and 4 kids.
    My husband’s mother and father are kept at his home town since my mother in law doesn’t like her first daughter since she eloped in her early age and came back with kids and second daughter’s husband since he can’t effort to look after his own kids alone.My husband always says that she is a kind of immetured and she doesn’t like the girls like me and he says she always used to scold her daughter to do all house holding works, that’s why he kept them separate. I am a software employee and our family is very small and well educated and our family culture is too different than this. In my husbands family except my husband no one was educated and his father was like a contractor which supplies people to construct the buildings and now he is doing nothing. so now my husband was only the person who was taking care of his mother, father, first sister and her 2 kids , second sister’s husband and his 2 kids and a 19 years boy (who is the son of daughter of my father in law’s sister).
    Since My husband is a small employee and he couldn’t effort this big family he searched for a bride who is a job holder finally they found me and married. after my marriage by noticing this family i was totally shocked and my husband is asking me to take care of those kids and family. now Mine and My husband’s salaries are also not enough to maintain that family and we are adjusting without savings. and his sister doesn’t work since she has to take care those kids and do house work. Now my problem is how many day’s like this??
    I suggested my husband to make his first sister and second bro-in-law to marry and keep them separately with their four kids and give his entire salary so that they will know their responsibilities and manage their family. But he is not listening and telling they don’t interested in that and its a very big mistake, we should not do like that and saying he married me to take care of them and maintain this family only. and he doesn’t have interest to have own kids also since he is looking after those small kids. Actually i was having plans that i can work for few years and quit my job as i am totally tired. now we are keep on fighting about this family and we both are fed up. he was convincing me that they don’t bother you and you just go to job and give him the whole salary, no need to do any work at home. but I am not able to stay more days like that and again started arguing as i am not feeling this house is not my house and i don’t have privacy and freedom. If we wanted to go out like movies, picnics..he takes entire family. I am not liking this king of nature and telling at least we can go alone few times so that we can have some attachment together. But he keep saying that you should not look for privacy, now my family is your family, if you start liking it you will not ask for your own space and he was blaming me that not to separate him from his family by these unusual thoughts.and if i say something wrong about any of them he is thinking that intentionally am complaining on them to make them separate from him. i have never fight with them and developing good relation with those kids in home work shopping..etc..as per my limits. But that is not enough to my husband and telling me to chitchat with her sister and play with those kids..etc.. But how can i do forcefully.
    I am getting frustrated some times and trying to make myself busy in my job, other works, hobbies..etc.. but still when ever i am facing some issues in my job i always getting a thought of leaving the job and at the same time i remember the words that he doesn’t need me if i don’t work.
    Now He finally said his family is most important to him and gave me a choice that either stay with these people as it is or we can separate.now what to do? how many days i should adjust? i am not able to control my self crying about he doesn’t try to develop the affection on me and he married me only for his financial help and to take care of his family.
    please suggest..

    #18518
    Profile photo of Amit
    Amit
    Participant

    Forcing u to do a job or to be with his family is complete nonsense and it would be better if he changes his expectations to a level where u both are comfortable. He irrationally thinks that u are not worth it if u dont spend time with his family or earn a job. He almost forgets that u have ur own life and expectations. But arguing or fighting wont help . if he is acting stupidly then be a bigger person and try to make him umderstand what u think politely. I would suggest u not to leave ur job ….psychologically job may not make u tired but its ur own thinking about it. If he wants to stay with his family his choice and if u want to stay with his family but interact less its ur choice. There are many reasons to get married not only financial help etc. So be more mature , calm and strong and dont argue just solve the problem and look for alternatives.

    #18524
    Profile photo of Madhavi_Latha
    Madhavi_Latha
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply. Please suggest what could be the alternative..
    I am fed up of telling him slowly as much as i can and trying to make him understand my situation, but he is not even thinking of my concern. Always He says that his family is most important to him and giving me the choice of either stay with these people as it is or we can have divorce if i don’t follow his words..
    I am not getting any option other than staying with this family as it is which am not able to adjust..

    #18527
    Profile photo of Amit
    Amit
    Participant

    spend more time out of the house, go to job regularly, develop a friends circle go for regular outing, join a gym , take part in yoga…..look for an activity u find absorbing……..i want u to remain out of the house much of the time and divert ur mind in life outside the house …..beacuse ultimately life is always outside the house and now u have to move out more, When u are here inside the house tell ur husband i dont like to adjust with ur family still there are so many advantages of keeping a relationship with u (that u can think of) thats why i am with u and i want u to act in a loving way with him all the time. Crying or blaming or fighting wont help u. When u have to face his family try to find good points in them and there could be so many common topics that u can find. Even if u dont wannna talk to them u can ignore them buy saying u feel stressed out these days. Find a life outside the house there are so many other ways think about it. Now u can still continue to eat yourself up from inside about his irritating family or u can choose to take some productive actions and improve ur life.

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