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This topic contains 2 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Pari 2 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #18503

    rita
    Participant

    I have been married for 7 months now. I have had an arranged marriage and I totally love my husband. While we were courting he made it very clear that he would be living with his mother and although I have always wanted a nuclear family I agreed because my husband seemed to be a really great guy. Also he mentioned that his was a joint family and I asked him what he meant by that since it was just him and his mother living together. (His elder brother lives out of India and sister married) He said he has a brother and sister and I laughed it off saying that they were family and of course visit but at the end of the day it was just his mother & him.
    Just a month before our wedding we had a nasty argument because I realized his elder sister was always at their place and out of curiosity asked him if she lives with them. He was really upset and said no but even if she did how does it matter? I was taken aback and argued over the same and said that I was ok with just living with his mother. My sil is a divorcee with a child who remarried her current husband who also has a kid.They have some issues hence her daughter stays with my mil and also because my sil works & my mil takes care of her. He then told me my sil husbands recently switched jobs to another city so she stays with them most of the time and goes home when her husband is down. We had a huge fight but at the end of it I felt bad because of what he must be going through as a brother.(also they have had a very tough time earlier in life as their father had fallen very unwell & was bedridden). This has made my husband and his family really thick. I didn’t want to give up on this relation because my husband is a gem of a person and really loves & respects me. I now stay with my mil,sil & her daughter but i have started having constant arguments with my husband due to this. They don’t expect me to cook clean or do anything for them, they are really nice people but I guess my expectation from life is different and i regret agreeing to this.i have my own room but it doesn’t feel like my own house. I need my space and I am really trying hard but can’t adjust. I’m treated like a baby. If I do anything my mil will ask what etc. I don’t like talking all the time and we are really different personalities. When my sil comes home I have to talk to her as well and she talks a lot. I don’t have the kind of privacy as I would want with my husband. Feel very sad lately because mil has passed a comment on my husband when he praised my cooking saying that ask your wife only to do everything for you.(he took her aside and gave her a earful for the same).My husbands argument is that his niece needs her grandmom around as his sister is working, only till she goes to college and be independent(which should be in 2 yrs). He says he can’t leave his mother as she’s ageing and has done a lot for him. But promised me in 2 or 3 years we will move to our own home but with his mother.(he also said he’d do the same for my mom and sister if need be)
    I have been really sad lately and started crying a few days back because I knew I’m helpless and didn’t want to share this with my husband but he saw me asked my why I’m upset and I tried telling him that I can’t adjust which really irked him & he told me in anger that he will never leave his mother and that I should think through what I want to do. That statement is etched in my mind. We made up after the fight but I haven’t been the same and he is trying very hard but I think I need help. Am I being selfish? Need advice as I don’t want to involve any one from my family. Thanks

    #18504

    Amit
    Participant

    I understand u want more privacy with ur husband but here instead of wanting it u are demanding it irrationally. Its not good to ask him to leave his mother or sil but instead u change ur unrealistic expectations from ur husband. I believe ur mil and sil are quite supportive. I would suggest u instead of trying to control other try to control urself by getting involved in some productive actions like get absorbed in a hobby, do some physcial exercise everyday, go out and meet friends, join a job etc etc. This will help u divert ur mind from all the irrational and illogical thoughts u have made up in ur mind. The fact of the matter is u can still be very happy with ur sil and mil if u choose to be. When u dont want to talk to them dont talk. Just let them know politely u are stressed out and would want some free time alone. They wont perceive u as a bad person because of that. If u want u can still unrealistically blame ur husband, sil or mil for all the stress in ur life and create the room for more stress but i think u love urself and wont act in an unjust way with u .

    #18645

    Pari
    Participant

    Dear Rita,Everyone needs some personal space for himself. In the given situation I find you very understanding and same is your entire family.
    I strongly feel that this can be worked out. You may start keeping the door of your room closed. This will slowly make others understand that you need privacy. You come out whenever you want to chit chat else stay in your own comfort i.e. your room.
    You will start enjoying it slowly..

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