This topic contains 9 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Stasha Stasha 2 years, 3 months ago.

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  • #15030
    Profile photo of Stasha
    Stasha
    Participant

    Hi,
    I am 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been in a long distance relationship from past two years. We both love each other. We are from the same religion same caste. Our parents know each other as they are family friends.. not very close but they know each other . My parents want me to get married and I don’t want to marry anyone else other than my guy. I used to reject the proposals. One fine day we decided to tell our parents that we like each other and would like to spend the rest of our lives together. So I told My parents that I love him and they readily agreed for him But they said they would like to meet him and his parents and decide. On the other hand My boyfriend spoke to his parents they were not very happy About the idea of love marriage even though we were of the same cast because they wanted their son to have an arranged marriage. But later somehow my boyfriend convinced his parents and his sister. Sister is already married and she s my friend still she doesnt support him much for our marriage.
    my boyfriend had some terms and conditions :
    1) we have common friends ,none of them know about us , he doesn’t want them to know about us now because he thinks it’s not the right time
    2) even if our parents meet and fix our marriage relatives n friends should not know about this right now it’s only when we are going to get engaged they should know about it Because he s too young for marriage and he has a elder cousin brother who is yet to marry. his family members will feel bad If he gets married before him.
    3) He cannot marry now so he wants time like one and half years and then we can tell everyone about our relationship.

    Please note the above terms and conditions were put by him last year August . And then I told my parents about this they totally disagreed about the not to tell part to the family . They were not ready to wait for one and half years still I convinced them somehow and they are ready to waiT jus for my happiness even when they are not happy about the idea of hiding our relationship publicly. They say if he loves you he should accep. U in front of everyone.
    But now my boyfriend says he needs more time he needs 3 years since he wants to do postgrads then job and some of his ppl r telling him he should not marry now its very early… so I was confused ki whats going on dude
    I convinced my parents n now if I tell them three years what will they think about him so he says dont tell them three years tell them jus one n half n later they vil understand on their own.
    I am seriously confused wat shud I do wat m I doing with my life. M I with the right guy… I don’t knw wat to do . I feel like I m in d middle of nowhere. I jus know that I love him truly and that’s why I hv been doing this for him.

    #15892

    Swarup
    Participant

    Hi sister its good that u love him so much, but do u also think that he loves u in same manner? It is ok that he wants some time to get marry but u should ask him why he needs to hide this frm all relatives and frds?

    #15893
    Profile photo of Stasha
    Stasha
    Participant

    Thanks. Yea hd askd him dat. He says if he tells everyone, ppl might judge him wrong since he has this good boy image . And it’s very early for him. That’s the only answer I get from him.

    #15894

    Swarup
    Participant

    It is not like that sister by only loving a girl will not get any bad image. 27 is best age to marry for a boy. He is not so small, as he thinks. So tell him about this to him that You wants to marry him after that 1 and half year so then ur parents will also agree with this.

    #15895
    Profile photo of Stasha
    Stasha
    Participant

    Yea hope he understands

    #15896
    Profile photo of aspeedesai
    aspeedesai
    Participant

    What if people know? This is one thing two partners who are in love and planning to marry should NOT be worried about. I do not see any reason to hide such a committed relationship from others. I think taking your parents into confidence was a good move from your side. Also you seem pretty clear about your expectations and are you clearly committed and love the man. I think you have done all you could to shape your relationship.

    I am not sure if you are willing to wait after having waited so far for a period of 3 more years. There also seems a lack of clarity on your boyfriend’s part about the time-frame within which he should announce the relationship and convince his parents. At this point, you might want to clearly discuss his plans about your relationship face-to-face and understand his position. He maybe having plans that you might want to find out.

    If such an interaction can take place, you might have a bit more clarity, once you have your doubts cleared with your loved one. Your confusion is obvious in the current situation. Once you have had such a discussion, it could be easier for your to decide the path forward, in my opinion. I hope all goes well for you.

    Best luck!
    Desai

    #15897
    Profile photo of Stasha
    Stasha
    Participant

    Hi
    Thanks for writing. You are absolutely right.
    It’s not that I haven’t discussed about this with him . We have discussed about this several times but then everytime he is trying to convince me that after three years we will marry that’s for sure .. He will b done with post grads and a good job. things wil be fine then. It’s not that ki he s not in a good job right now.. in fact it’s a very nice package but still he wants to do more. He told the same last year when the plans for marriage was after one and half year. What if I tell my parents and they agree for three years and then again he changes his mind for some more time. It’s not at all easy for me to convince them once again for three years but for him I feel like doing every possible thing which I caN. Is that right on my part… ?? I Dont get this thing…

    #15898

    Swarup
    Participant

    Its good for your boy frd but not good for ur parents. Can u realise how much faith they have in u, whatever the dream they have about u? When he has everything then why he is just post poning ur marriage, and hiding relationship that he really had?. First of all take a certain action which should take considering both boy frd and parents but give more value for ur parents words because they know what is good for u better then yourself k?

    #15899
    Profile photo of aspeedesai
    aspeedesai
    Participant

    I’ve read elsewhere that, “A bird is hand is worth two is the bush.” If the current circumstances are not particularly unfavorable, there are apparently no reasons to wait for some future time (after 3 years), when the situation can’t be necessarily predicted. However, any sort of making haste may be a bit too pushy while your partner is clearly not ready for marriage immediately.

    If currently there is no pressing need to get married, a bit of waiting could make sense. A few weeks of not being too worried about whats coming in future should allow you some space and time. You can always go back to the problem with a fresh outlook and see how to take things forward from there. Good luck!

    #15901
    Profile photo of Stasha
    Stasha
    Participant

    Yea I think you are right… Your proverb explains it all . I haven’t forced him for anything till nw n I don’t want to force him further also. I will be more happy if he comes and proposes me someday, on his own . I don’t want to be blamed by him tomorrow when something goes wrong. I don’t want him to tell me anytime that I had forced him for this marriage . That Will break me completely. I was worried about this because my parents are getting other proposals for me and they want me to get married. They feel i am Ignoring all good proposals for him and if tomorrow he doesn’t marry me il b in a soup.
    I totally understand on my parent’s side. Whatever they are worried about is 100% right. May b someday when I become a parent il understand them even better. I am the only child and my happiness Is above all for them. That’s y from d beginning of this relationship I never wanted to hide it from them and always wanted to take them along with me. I don’t want to hurt them for my happiness that’s why i am not ready to lie them about three years. I’l have that guilt all the time. But I think I should leave it on time now..
    Thanks.

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