tied up

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    basically i have an emotionally abusive father. everything i do is wrong, everything i say is senseless.
    hes always been there for me. puts money in the bank, does a few things for me but will always make me feel forever indebted to him.
    we have constant fights in our house and if hes annoyed with anything, he takes it out on my mom and me.
    he’s always talking about ‘his’ money and if we dont do as he likes he creates a world war in the house with his tantrums, snide comments directed and my mom and me about my weight,my looks, how i dont come 1st in class. this has been going on for as long as i know.
    earlier i used to shut my room and quietly sit trying not to anger the beast but im in college now and need to stand up and stop this madness so i fight back which just ends up in him constantly wishing i wasnt born and how im the stupidest thing to walk this planet and how i should have just run away from home.
    i try understanding him and try putting myself in his shoes. maybe hes upset about something and taking it out on me, maybe he doesnt mean what he says but theres only a limit till i can understand and keep letting my self esteem down. due to this reason at home, i hate coming home which upsets my mother. i have gotten into all sorts of wrong habits and the only reason i pretend to be happy is because of my friends(which also he has a problem with. too much socializing, always on the phone). what he doesnt get is if i dont keep talking to these friends, i will definitely turn suicidal.
    i dont know how to deal with this anymore.[/align]

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