May 21, 2014 at 8:03 am #13707
I’m married four and half years ago.
During my collage, I was in relation with one of my collage mates and we decided to marry and live together for the rest of the life. We were in relationship for more than 3 years. As we decided to marry, we went physical too.
After completion of my collage, My father somehow got doubt that I was in love with him and decided to get me married with a person of his choice and we fixed my marriage with someone.
I informed my boyfriend regarding the marriage and asked him to come and talk to my father. But he didn’t do that. Then I was left with no choice other than marrying the guy chosen by my father.
I somehow managed my thoughts and thought of making my father happy and married that guy. I stopped talking and contacting my boyfriend and was trying to remove my thoughts for him from my heart. But it was not so easy. Many times I controlled myself from calling him, but sometimes I was helpless to myself. I rarely called him to know how things were going on. We used to have, just a casual talk for few mins and end the call.
Coming to my relation with the new family, I tried my best to make my husband happy but neglected a little on in-laws. I never felt that my husband is happy with me. I heard a lot about the relationship in a newly wedded couple and expected the same in my life. But it never happened.
I know, everyone cannot be same, but still I was unhappy. There were no one in the family who understands me. I left my job after 3 months of marriage for some reasons. This made my condition even bad. There were no one who talks to me or whom I can talk with. I felt alone even though I was staying with a family of 5ppl.
This made me almost mad. I can’t share my feelings with anyone, neither my parents nor the new family members. Somehow I managed this situation till 3 years. After that I wanted to join a job. I joined some course which would help me in searching a job. During my course, I used to talk to my boy friend once in a while, just to make myself feel better.
Then, I joined a job and I felt better as I had lot of things in my plate to divert my feelings. One day I came to know that my boy friend met with an accident and was admitted in hospital. He had a head injury. I was so worried, but controlled myself from visiting him. Then I felt little relaxed when I came to know that he was discharged from hospital after 3 days. One day he called me and asked whether I can join him during doctors visit for dressing up his injury. He said, he had no one to accompany him. He inquired with other friends and they were all busy. He said, as the injury is on head, during dressing, he may fell unconscious and so he wanted some one to accompany him. Tears rolled on from my eyes and I accepted to go to hospital. It was our first meeting after three and half years. I went to hospital directly and he was there. There on, we started meeting each other and used to talk almost daily.
One day he asked me to meet me in his room and I rejected to meet as I remembered the old days. This conversation happened using mobile messaging. I don’t know how, but my husband saw the conversation. He then called my brother took both of us to a private place and asked me the below question
“With how many people did you have relationships, both physical and mental?”
My brother and I were shocked. I did not understood what to do. Then he asked me, “Did u loved anyone during ur collage?”. I didn’t wanted to hide. So, I said Yes. Then he took me to my parents and said all this to my parents. There after he started doubting me for my every action. He stared doubting me When I talk to my colleagues or other friends. He asked me to stop talking to all my friends. I even blocked my Facebook account. I blocked all the male contacts in my email.
Now he is behaving normal with me. But whenever there is any fight between us, he always raise the same thing and gets angry on me. He did not say this to his parents. He always says u made a very big mistake. I know, talking to my boyfriend after marriage is wrong. But never even had a thought of having any further relations as he thinks, I had.
My life became hell for me. I don’t want to stay in my marriage anymore. Even my parents said, we are on your side. But, I have younger siblings. 1 brother and 2 sisters, of whom, my brother and a sister are yet to get married. Also, he had a sister and a brother. His brother is yet to be married. Now, If I decide to separate from my husband, this can affect the reputation of both the families. Now, I stopped contacting my boyfriend completely. But, thoughts hunt me. I cannot forget him, but not even trying to contact.
Till now we didn’t had kids, but now, he want to have kids. I don’t want to stay with him. I want to live my life alone. I’m unable to take a proper decision now. Sometimes, I feel like separating at that moment and sometimes I feel like “let the life go in the way it is going now. Time can change everything.” By saying this, I calm down myself and continue with the daily routine.
During all the years of our marriage, he didn’t even earn the money necessary for our daily living. Apart from that, his mother was attacked by cancer and he had to pay all the medical bills. I don’t have any problem spending money for his mother. But the question is, where the money comes from? He gave all my gold and he opted for gold loan and payed the medical bills. His father is so irritating that inspite of paying for his wife, he didn’t even come to see her. He stays away from family to look after his properties. In the early days of our marriage, my husband wanted to start a business and asked his father for the initial investment. His father refused. So, I have the major part of my gold to take the loan and start his business. He took the loan and started the business but was not successful and all the investment ruined. Now, I have no ornaments as all of them are with bank, few for business investment and few for medical bills.
All this was unknown to my parents. After our fight, I informed it to my parents. They were worried and asked my father-in -law about this. He was very angry. He payed the whole amount and brought the gold back. But after giving my gold back, he was very rude to my parents. He was very angry on me & my parents as he had to pay all the amount.
Apart from all these, my husband is planning for kids with Zero amount in hand. I am unable to decide whether to separate or live with him. I feel like we both are different. Our families are different, thoughts are different. No one in my husband’s family likes me. No one talks to me properly. Even I do the same with them. I feel like ‘I cannot handle that family. I can never make them happy. I am not meant to handle a family’ and so I wanted to separate and live alone.
Sometimes, I feel like, when I give birth to children, things may change. My husband may love me. Good days may come back.
I want to take the decision soon. Because, if my decision is to separate, the it should happen as early as possible, so that he can get married again with a girl who is suitable for him and his family and bring back the happiness to him. If my decision is late, it can ruin even his life which I don’t want.
Please help me in talking a decision.June 12, 2014 at 7:43 pm #15445
Unless things become better with you and your husband dont have a baby. It will only affect the child and you will be stuck forever. going on a vacationmay have brought you closer to your husband. But your financial status does suggest scope for such expenditure. Try spending more time with your husband. Try to have a new start. Give it 6 months before you have a baby. If things dont change for the better then opt for a divorce. If there is a part of you that wants this marriage then hold on to it. I personally respect marriages. Its not a game that you can quit when you feel you are losing. Any husband would get angry looking at his wife talk to her ex. I suggest trying to make things better. Communicate. Thats what is important. Tell your husband what you want.
All the best!
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