This topic contains 4 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of soumbdas soumbdas 2 years, 10 months ago.

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  • #13822
    Profile photo of soumbdas
    soumbdas
    Participant

    Dear Sir/Madam,
    A very good evening to you. First and foremost let me introduce myself. My name is Som, I am a 32 years old man, married on Feb 26, 2014. Financially I am a salaried person, working in an IT organization in Kolkata.

    Our marriage was an arranged marriage through Anandabazar Patrika. We talked with each other almost 9 months before our marriage just to understand each other before legally bonded as life partners. Now after our marriage, just exactly couple of days after my marriage, my wife started creating small small issues with me and my family. My family comprises of my mother, my old grandmother and my sister who got married recently with one of my friend and stays nearby. As we all know, if two person are staying together, there might be some ups and down in talkings, issues and we need to solve those by our own. That’s the agreement two people made in front of fire and that ritual is called Marriage.

    I love my wife very very much. But you know I love my parents, my mom and old grandmother as well very much. I can’t live apart from anyone. Now, my wife is taking every small issue into consideration and started discussing the same with her mother (My in-law) and her sister (Not own sister). And every time she complains about my mother and grandma saying that she told me that, she does not like me and she does not love me like your sister and so on. But believe me, my mom loves her very much as my grandma does the same. Only her behavior that she argues a lot with unnecessary things and she does not have ethics and her talks is rude and not polite. This things disturbed my mom and she sometimes might talk her a bit rudely. And she evrytime thinks of getting separated and tells me that she will give me divorce and she cannot cope up with me and my family whereas I believe there are no issues at all what she thinks. Everybody loves her a lot which she does not realize and does not want to know. She is very arrogant in nature and does not know to speak gently. Still I love her but she has complains on my and our everything. And her parents supports her a lot.

    Now I am afraid what should I do now. I am getting mentally depressed and need a good solution to come out of this depression. I am unsure in this kind of situation, should I go for a divorce or I don’t know. I am also afraid of getting divorce and there are two major reasons. 1. Indian laws are totally woman-centric when it comes for a divorce and few women misuse that law just to punish their husbands where he does not have any solid faults. 2. I still love her very very much. And what I want from her, I want her to spend peaceful life, with me or without me. She thinks she will live happily without me. And only thing I want is she should spend her life happily even without me if she thinks she is right.

    Now please advice what should I do now to get rid of this depression and situation.

    Many many thanks in advanced.

    Warm Regards

    Som

    #15532
    Profile photo of lindsey_sooze
    lindsey_sooze
    Participant

    Hi Som,

    Sorry for all the feeling you are facing. I am not sure but I think most of the married people are facing the problem in their life. So don’t take it too close to your heart. Most of the issues start with misunderstanding and due to lack of talk the gap increases.
    I think you and your wife should go for holiday. Away from your family. There you can spend time together and talk with each other. You should also convince her that you love her very much and try to understand her views also.
    Explain her that divorce is not a solution of any problem. This is problematic for you as well as for her also. In both cases you both will not be happy. Convince her that she is important for you. Try to explain your feelings for your parent to her.

    Be positive. You are a brave man. Don’t be depress. Every problem has a solution so try this and let us know your plan of action :D.

    #15533
    Profile photo of soumbdas
    soumbdas
    Participant
    lindsey_sooze wrote:
    Hi Som,

    Sorry for all the feeling you are facing. I am not sure but I think most of the married people are facing the problem in their life. So don’t take it too close to your heart. Most of the issues start with misunderstanding and due to lack of talk the gap increases.
    I think you and your wife should go for holiday. Away from your family. There you can spend time together and talk with each other. You should also convince her that you love her very much and try to understand her views also.
    Explain her that divorce is not a solution of any problem. This is problematic for you as well as for her also. In both cases you both will not be happy. Convince her that she is important for you. Try to explain your feelings for your parent to her.

    Be positive. You are a brave man. Don’t be depress. Every problem has a solution so try this and let us know your plan of action :D.

    Hi Lindsey,
    Thanks for your encouraging comments. You know I and we (Our family) have tried our level best to explain her the drawbacks getting separated from each other, but at last our complete efforts turn in vain when she used to stand where she was and she used to take every small matters to extreme and reacts extremely. Her this kind of madness and stubborn attitudes are supported fully by her mother who always thinks whatever her daughter complains about us, is true and we should always cope up with her and explain her everytime. But she is beyond explaining everytime and we all love her very much but in face she does not. If she does, she would never reacts on small small issues in our daily life. What I think, she does not love anyone apart from herself. Please explain how to overcome and change her and take her away from her mother mentally who always supports her on everything , does not matter whether it is right or wrong.

    Thanks.

    Warm Regards
    Som.

    #15536
    Profile photo of lindsey_sooze
    lindsey_sooze
    Participant

    Your wife behavior shows immaturity. Is your wife really don’t want to understand or you think like that. In most of the cases we forget to think about our behavior. First of all rewind all the incidents which happened and think neutrally. Keep yourself in her place and think. Everything has different aspect. In most cases we think that we are right and other person is wrong. This exercise will help you to identify the wrong thing which is happening from your side.

    If you feel that you are right and your wife is wrong then you need to talk to her father and mother. Explained them clearly that these activities are not going to help their daughter and going to spoil her life. Ask your father-in law also that his wife is misleading his daughter. Divorce, separation and breaking relationship are the terms which are easy to pronounce but hard to follow. I have seen lot many people who has spoiled their life.

    My Suggestions:
    1) Do Introspection first and try to understand your wife’s point of view.
    2) Do corrective steps if you are wrong.
    3) Be bold and strong and talk directly to your in-laws.
    4) Warn your mother-in law for interfering your personal life.
    5) Explain them that all these activities are not going to help their daughter’s life.

    Let me know you views of my suggestions.

    Regards
    Lindsey.

    #15537
    Profile photo of soumbdas
    soumbdas
    Participant
    lindsey_sooze wrote:
    Your wife behavior shows immaturity. Is your wife really don’t want to understand or you think like that. In most of the cases we forget to think about our behavior. First of all rewind all the incidents which happened and think neutrally. Keep yourself in her place and think. Everything has different aspect. In most cases we think that we are right and other person is wrong. This exercise will help you to identify the wrong thing which is happening from your side.

    If you feel that you are right and your wife is wrong then you need to talk to her father and mother. Explained them clearly that these activities are not going to help their daughter and going to spoil her life. Ask your father-in law also that his wife is misleading his daughter. Divorce, separation and breaking relationship are the terms which are easy to pronounce but hard to follow. I have seen lot many people who has spoiled their life.

    My Suggestions:
    1) Do Introspection first and try to understand your wife’s point of view.
    2) Do corrective steps if you are wrong.
    3) Be bold and strong and talk directly to your in-laws.
    4) Warn your mother-in law for interfering your personal life.
    5) Explain them that all these activities are not going to help their daughter’s life.

    Let me know you views of my suggestions.

    Regards
    Lindsey.

    Hi Lindsey,
    Thanks again for your suggestion and comments. Yeah, I know separation is a very big term to pronounce and it’s very hard to follow. But you know, you are right that she is not matured enough to understand from my point of view. Only thing which is interfering is her tremendous anger and pointless argument. And everything she used to discuss with her mother which is not good to build one relationship I believe. To come out of it, yes, she will have my support all the way, but she has to stop discussing everything with her mother. They think that their daughter is getting demoralized and being in this century, she should stand up and she is no longer a weak girl who will listen everything the other party says. This behavior is spoiling her personal life. That’s what my understanding and observation is. Now, please suggest how would I stop her to discuss with her mother and elder sister all the things ? I can surely explain her the disadvantages, but I am sure she will do it secretly when I will be in office. She has to understand by herself what’s right and what’s wrong. Nobody can judge ourselves other than us. Her mother and sister will look into this thing from their point of view, not from her point of view.

    You know one thing, this war is affecting my relationship with my parents you know. I can understand my parents are not happy with her behavior at all. And about her father, her father has nothing to say over her mother. Rather frankly speaking, her mother is the boss in their family. So, discussing with her father in this aspect I believe it’s pointless.

    Please suggest what should I do to minimize her anger so that she can start thinking what’s wrong and what’s right by herself without discussing with her mother and sister. I love my mom and grandmom as I do to her. So, I can never think of losing anyone for this stupid reason. But if this war continues, then unfortunately I will be prone to select one side which is very tough for me and finally definitely I will stand with my parents. Please suggest.

    Thanks.

    Regards
    Som

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