which way to head ???

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    I have completed my masters some 10 months ago and since then have tried everything all in vain. am confused about everything. Let me tell u from the beginning. when i was in school i was the centre of fun n comments only because i was overweight..however my teachers supported me and came out as a good student. But my grandmother’s death made me lonely we were a joint family with all the complexicities and a very unhealthy atmosphere..but still i managed to keep up with life as i was lucky to have sportive teachers. the real problem i faced was sexual abuse at the age of 8 or so.. which i realized quite later in my adolesence. jab mere sath wo sab hua mhje laga tha yeah bade logon k pyar krne ka tarika but somewhere i felt this is not right mjhe aisa pyar nahi chahiye..the culprit was my uncle..i fought with all this alone no one in my family knows about this..i isolated myself and khud ko padhai me puri tarah jhok diya maine..but i suppressed myself in enjoying life..whenever anyone looked at me i got concious..koi pyar se baat krta toh lgta iska bhi yehi mtlb hoga..i was longging for my parents care and attention especially my dad’s..but hr never cared..indirectly i tried to tell him about the incidence but he never listened..dad chose him over me although he dumped dad also..i was left rejected..fighting all the emotional mess i still kept studying and got selected in BDS entrance exam..but could not join it…mere admission k liye paise nahi the..i was shattered..but i was stupid i still believed ki sab thik ho jayega..log mjhe emotionally use krte rahe and mai hoti rahi just becuase i wanted some affection..chalo aise hi mil jaye..is saal admission nahi hua toh kya nxt year ho jayega n hopefully mai MBBS clear kar paun ye soch k i kept preparing..but i was wrong..in all the chaos i lost my dad too,being a bright student I wasted my four years being an emotional fool..because i had no one to speak to..no one to guide me..later in 2005 i met one of my cousin who out for his studies he guided me and motivated me..then finally after four years of drop i started my studies again..for a while i felt life has got its track..i joined NCC…passed my graduation with a gold medal although not a university one..got national entrance exam cleared and moved on to bhubaneswar for my masters..i was over all disappointments. I only wanted to study and be a scientist..everything was going well..when a sense of deprivation started occupying me..i started losing my interest in studies..my friends were left back..my batchmates weren,t compatible..why was i bothered about this i don’t know..tthe environment there was full of negativity.so very unhealthy competition..but still i kept going, I had to get my masters completed any how..the next blow was when I realized how skeptical this world was when i was linked to my cousin..whom i respected as my elder brother..everyone thought iam gone case when he lifted me morally..am doing nothing from last 8 months..just going throgh entrance exams without any preparation which definitely wont be cracked..i pfed up of suppressing my views and i really dont know what to do..my relatives keep telling i should get married but i want to focus on my carrer but i dont have any belief to get things right..mhje lgta hai mai kabhi kuch nahi kr paungi..i too want to enjoy life..fall in love..have someone special in my life who is just for me..but am not able to trust that darkness will ever go..everytime i believed things will turn up right..i find it messed up..i have taken out myself from the toughest times but these days am occupied with all sorts of negative thinga..i want to end up everything..sometimes the thought of killing myself haunts me so much that i dont want to remain alone..i dont want to get lost like this..am filled with anxiety and fear all the day and cant focus on what is really needed..i dont find any reason to live..please help me overcome this please help me open up to life..I dont want to end up like this..no one undestands what i have to say..i am person with all the qualities to be successful but i am so stressed out emotionally that am unable to look ahead..please help me find a solution..i just need someone to show me the path..[/font]

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