I still remember vividly, it was November 2014 when I missed my period and took the home pregnancy test. It came out positive, I still didn’t trust. I went for another which was again positive. I searched on google if home pregnancy tests are definitive. Me and my husband were feeling lost, without much discussion we went to take the diagnostic test at the lab and waited anxiously for the result. Yes it was too positive.
We came back home without having any word in the car while driving back. There was complete silence at home, fear, anxiety, uncertainty were looming over in the air. I called up a friend in desperation who had a baby recently. The first thing she asked me with a straight face was if I wanted it or not?? It sounded little harsh to hear “wanted or not”!!! I was surprised at myself that suddenly there was a surge of nesting instinct that I felt. Though the voice was faint and wanted to be heard amidst all the confusion that was going around. I couldn’t deny the real emotions I and my husband were feeling.
Firstly being angry at each other as if its other person’s fault. Then, being angry at oneself, angry at life. Angry because all the plans that we made to ourselves in terms of career, and the plans we made together as a couple. All this was going on in our minds without speaking a word, waiting for the other person to break the silence. My husband’s anxiety was apparent, he said we will be doomed if we have a baby NOW, we haven’t travelled enough, partied enough, we love our carefree life. And above all we were struggling with our respective careers in city like Mumbai. We couldn’t have assumed this responsibility as it posed huge burden financially, and lifestyle restrictions. Until then we were living like 2 friends chasing our dreams in a small flat in Mumbai. We were happy the way life was and enjoying our struggles. Suddenly small things seemed to matter the most, like having friends over drinks every other night, impromptu road trips, sleeping leisurely till noon, binging on tv shows back to back whole day.
While we had been still trying to overcome this unexpected news, my husband was clear that we couldn’t afford a baby at this stage in life as it called for huge adjustments in life and getting defocused from our own personal plans. But that faint voice in my head started taking over all these reasons. The other argument in my head was I was 31, married for 2 years, a thyroid patient for past 4 years which means difficulty in natural conception for some and given our lifestyles these days I know friends who have been trying to conceive but are not able to and here I am blessed with a life already throbbing inside me. How could I deny its right to live, after all it has chosen to come through me in this world, shouldn’t I be feeling blessed?? Though there was no planning, no preparation but I felt like protecting this life amidst all the challenges. It seemed like any other risk in life which we cannot cover up for fully. We aren’t insured for every unseen circumstance in life, we just learn to deal with it and expand our human capacities when things happen unexpectedly, any crises gives us opportunity to deal with itself as well, thats the beauty of being human.
I thought to myself we weren’t prepared as a dating couple to get married even though we were in love madly; then we were not prepared to move to an alien city to try our luck though we dreamt of it. Likewise we will never be prepared for a baby, as things will never be perfect because things are never perfect and we will find excuses every time we will discuss it. After all who wants to take responsibility of a new life putting one’s own at the back burner for a few years. I gave my husband the rational reasons of my age, thyroid and how we will never be prepared for this. But he seemed to be lost and couldn’t get over the shock still.
Evening passed, we were quiet, dealing with our own devils. I was also trying to gauge if I needed to pay heed to that inner voice of mine or give in to the pragmatic reasons that were so evident. Hoping that next morning should bring in some clarity we slept that night rather restlessly. In the morning my husband told me “let’s do it!” we have 9 months to turn around our life!!! We will break our backs, work hard, make money and become responsible to take care of a new life which depends on us. Though this freaked me out a bit now but I was relieved to see him with much courage. And here we are now so far in our journey. I am nine months pregnant just few weeks to go. My husband is all excited and nervous now. He tells everyone that “we are pregnant” which I find vey adorable. I strongly believe it has deepened our relationship and we are more in love with each other now. He empathizes with me more, takes care of me and I support him with whatever I can with my encouraging words to carry on in his struggles for the 2 of us. I am not working during my pregnancy so I take care of all backend jobs for him. We have found this perfect balance, assumed our roles and happy for the future baby….I’m glad I listened to my inner wise man!!!